Kate Ferguson's Blog

How much trust should you give a person at the beginning of a relationship, especially since you can be misled?

I used to think that when I entered a relationship, the way to handle trust was to give it until the person did something that proved to me he or she couldn't be trusted. So I'd keep getting burned all the time. I'd trust the person, thinking this was the way not to bring previous baggage into the relationship, but that person wouldn't have done anything to prove he was worthy of me placing my trust in him. In hindsight, the process now seems backward.

Also linked to trust, honesty is a huge issue in relationships. Just how honest should we be? And how much honesty is too much in a relationship?

Unlike trust, honesty is an issue which calls for us to make critical judments based on the nature of a specific set of circumstances and variables. Trust has more to do with absorbing and relying on a certain set of beliefs which we take on faith. It is based on an inner certainty and outer predictability, two factors basic to trust which a respected psychologist named Erik Erikson proposed was how infants learned to first establish this feeling.

His example was universal. Trust is a child's first social achievement, when he or she is unable to see its mother yet remains unperturbed. The child trusts because it is certain of its mother's presence—the outer predictability. Without this certainty, says Erikson, the feeling of trust cannot exist. It is the same dynamic in a love relationship.

But back to honesty. More subjective, due to a certain set of circumstances, being honest is often a value judgment that we make. To be honest means preparing for certain consequences. When we are either honest or dishonest, other people are often affected by what we choose to disclose—or not. the rightness or wrongness of our choice, however, may be excused or explained. Sometimes, it is a matter of diplomacy. We may choose to lie to spare someone pain.

If you think about it, we can trust someone who we know has been dishonest. Why? Because we trust that they are not always liars. And, when they do lie, we feel they must have a very good reason. Our basic ability to trust them, then, is not affected.

Honesty is not a state of being. Really, it is an act which may be selfless or selfish. We may wish to disclose certain facts to a partner or wish to have him disclose certain facts to us for many reasons. These facts may or may not be relevant to our relationship with that person. Our desire for honesty may simply be motivated by selfishness; we simply want the satisfaction of knowing the truth.

If we are the ones who disclose because we say we want to be honest, there are reasons for that which may not be totally altruistic. Maybe we're trying to lay a guilt trip on someone or simply dumping emotional baggage from a previous relationship on the new person who came into our life.
Before being honest in this way, however, ask yourself these questions: What is it that I need to be honest about and why?

As a concept, what is it that makes love so special? Most often thought of in romantic terms, the love between two people isn't confined to the kind of gender-driven feelings experienced by men and women. There is love between family and friends, even the abstract love people can feel for humanity, for people they've never met or seen. Whatever its representation, however, the fact is that love is a strong force, a mover of mountains, its power enough to motivate and maintain life.

At its very highest level, love is unconditional, such as the love a parent may have for a child. It is an awesome force this thing called love, which we've tried–without success–to define, to control, and to direct. Tasted in its purest form, it provides the taster with a warm sense of security and well-being, a feeling unlike any other in the world.

Love, indeed, is a many-splendored thing, a force which gives us the strength to go on in the face of adversity, provides us with the comfort and healing we need for our ravaged spirits, and gives us a reason to exist when all other answers fail us. Its power is such that it can overcome fear, ignorance and hatred, prompting us to put others before ourselves, and their needs and safety before our won.

But there is also love of self, a truly special love which allows us to love another person fully and without reservation. By supporting our positive self-image, love of self ensures that we are able to share this part of ourselves with others. Love energizes the mind, refreshes and renews the spirit, and soothes the soul.

As a force for good, perhaps nothing has the ability like love to make all things seem possible. Like a bridge, it connects individuals divided by age and gender as well as race and culture as it spans time and defies logic. To date, no one has been able to accurately capture love's elusive essence, its special chemistry and subtle nuances; and, perhaps, no one should really try. Instead, let's be grateful for our ability to love and be loved. To be sure, there is nothing that compares with it in all the world.

What is love to you?

Recently, I had a conversation with a colleague who, upon learning that I was now working at a health magazine which features HIV/AIDS news and information, started a discussion about the unrealistic idea that women could simply ask their partner to use a condom. Married for over 25 years, my colleague said even in her long-lived relationship she could not ask her husband to use a condom. Furthermore, she said, the first thing a man wants to know when a woman asks him to use a condom is, "Why, are you f***king someone else?" On the extreme side, she said, depending on the man involved, a woman puts herself at risk for a beatdown with this kind of question. "I mean, is a cop gonna be there to enforce the man using a condom?" she asked. After thinking about it for a minute, I had to admit that she had something there. At the very least, HIV/AIDS educators need to be sensitive to the realities facing women who have been socialized to always put themselves last in their relationships with others. Found a really great website which is like a one-stop center with information on HIV and real-life stories from women who are living with the disease. If you don't know anything about HIV...or even if you do, check out this site . It's informative, educational and, most of all, inspiring. Would love to get other people's opinions...