Judith and Jim's Blog

Recently, I have begun focusing on death and dying. The more I think about it, life is just a wait for death. I don't think I'm depressed, just being realistic and looking at life from a more negative perspective. Other than having this bleak outlook, I am functional and am able to go through my day. My family and friends are concerned. Should I be too?

JUDITH: First of all, death is a reality. It is not healthy to ignore the fact that we will all die one day. The fact that you are thinking about death and dying is not, in itself, a sign of trouble. In fact, it sounds like you are beginning the process of examining what it means to be alive, what the purpose is for you to be here.

It may not feel like that right now, as you sound like you've just begun the process of paying attention to your life. But, unless there is more going on than you're saying, what you describe is often the beginning of a new phase of adult consciousness. Looking at death as the endpoint most often leads people to experience a major breakthrough taking them into wholly different ways of experiencing themselves and their relationships with other people, what they do in their careers, etc.

After all, anyone who doesn't seriously consider the reality of death can't be serious about life. I am assuming, from the way you write, that you must be quite sensitive and bright. Sometimes, that makes it more difficult to embrace the fullness of what it means to be human, to be alive. If that is part of what you are going through, then, indeed, you are just beginning what some people call a "spiritual emergency" and you are to be congratulated.

Finally, I want to commend you for talking with your family and friends about these serious issues. Even if they are only able to express their concern, and unable to understand what bothers you, you are reaching out and allowing your inner circle to see your struggle.

Continue your consideration of what death means to you and begin examining what holds value and meaning for you while you are still alive. Carlos Castenada wrote that keeping death alway on one's left shoulder made life far more intense, far richer and more vivid.

JIM: Life must be quite frustrating and dissatisying for you to be so focused on getting to the end of it. And certainly everyone encounters the absurd, the bizarre and the hopeless stupidity that can sometimes punctuate our experiences. But you are seemingly overwhelmed by the madness that is part of this life.

What is going on for you that you have so completely surrendered your identity to dying? This recent focus on death is in response to something. What is it?

When you discuss your thoughts about death and dying with your friends and family, what do you want them to know about you? What are you asking of them? What are you hoping will happen?

That you are having these conversations is quite positive since you seem to have no need to hide or pretend that everything is okay. You are being serious about life and death, and sharing yourself with those who should care most about you. Do they understand this?

You do not mention suicide so I am assuming that you are not thinking about taking your own life, and that is not the issue here. If I am correct in this, then there isn't reason for concern at that level. The real issue is what are you trying to learn about life, and, specifically, your life, by looking to the endpoint to guide you? You see, we never do things without it expressing our priorities, our values, our needs—even if on the surface it doesn't appear that way.

My guess is that you have been living way beneath your capability so that what you are doing holds little or no meaning for you. Is that true? If so, what would challenge you? What would expand your spiritual connection to all that is? Where might you want to go to school if money were no object? What would you like to study? Where would you travel if a friend offered to take you anywhere in the world? What can you change today that would give you pleasure?

Thank you for trusting us with such a sensitive topic.

I’ve been seeing my current boyfriend for three years now. He is a wonderful man, says he loves me and treats me very well. We spend a lot of time together and look out for each other. I am interested in taking the relationship to another level, however, and making a commitment to getting married. When I bring up the topic of marriage, though, he freaks outs. Part of me says to give it time, but part of me feels that he may never be ready. I don’t want to end the relationship over this matter, but would like to know how to get him to start thinking about this possibility.

JUDITH’S ANSWER
Three years is a long time to date a person. Certainly, it’s long enough to know if you want to make a further commitment to the relationship. You’ve decided that you do want to move toward marriage, yet I’m puzzled that you would feel this way when this man “freaks out” at the mere prospect of redefining the relationship to include matrimony. Somehow, you’ve been content to spend your time with a man who is not available for what you want—marriage. Why would you do that? You see, there is nothing you can do “to get him to start thinking about this possibility” if he doesn’t want to. And since you don’t say anything about insisting that he explain his “freaking out,” I can only assume that you feel pretty powerless with him—at least around the subject of marriage.

Here’s the bottom line. You have to decide if you are willing to stay with him—on his terms—or not. If so, then you can “give it time” as you say. But if you do that, you’ll have to accept that the relationship will be defined by your boyfriend.

On the other hand, if you are serious about wanting this relationship to go forward with mutual commitment to marriage, then I urge you to tell your man that either the two of you get into couples’ counseling to work this out or you’ll have to break it off so you can be available to meet someone who is interested in marrying you.

Ultimately, it’s not about marriage. It’s about what you decide about your personal power and how you want to use it. Please, use it wisely.

JIM’S ANSWER
For your own comfort, I strongly suggest that you demand an answer to what the problem is. For all you know, he may very well be married to someone in another state. He may have children that you don’t know about. Or he may have a terrible fear of marriage because of his parents’ relationship. In fact, do you know anything much about his past at all?

I want you to insist on a long conversation about his reaction to you suggesting that your relationship move into marriage. During this conversation, not only do you need to ask what causes him to “freak out,” but you need to ask him about his past, his family background, his finances and if that’s part of the problem with getting married.

You need to insist that you both become more emotionally naked to each other so that you both know what’s actually going on. If he refuses to have this level of discussion, then you can be sure that he’s not willing to deepen the relationship. He’s not willing to share this level of intimacy and that’s what a good marriage requires.

If he refuses to have this discussion, then you will know that his fear of secrecy is more important than you are, and you’ll need to make your decision about how to go forward based on that knowledge. And, please, take good care of yourself—very good care—because you will be deciding not only about your current life but also your future.

Q: I have been married for 10 years and just recently found out that my husband has been calling and sending text messages to a female coworker at his office. I have asked him what the nature of his relationship is with this woman, but he insists that it is just an office friendship. Even though I told him that this really bothers me, however, he has continued calling and sending messages. At this point, I don’t know whether or not I should continue discussing this or simply take him at his word and leave the matter alone. What do you think?

JUDITH’S ANSWER
I’m most puzzled by the main thing that leaps out of your letter. You say, “I just recently found out that my husband has been calling and sending text messages to a female coworker at his office”, but you don’t indicate how you found out. Did a friend in his office tell you? Are you peeking into his text messages? How did this come up? And how is it that you know that it’s still going on even after you objected?
Not having that information, let’s look at the next point you make. You say, “I have asked him what the nature of his relationship is with this woman, but he insists it’s just an office friendship.” If that’s the case, I suggest you invite the woman and her date or mate over for dinner some weekend soon so that you too can become friends with her. You’ll have the opportunity to see your husband’s reaction to the idea. If he objects or acts reluctant, make sure you insist. That way, when you meet her and see them together you’ll get a better sense of what the story is. This way, you take yourself out of the passive victim role and put yourself into the leading lady role, which will feel lots better than the suffering you’re going through right now.
As you can see, I’m taking a very strong stand that you not leave this matter alone. If you do, you’re setting yourself up for a lifetime of doubt, suspicion, jealousy and a marriage in name only. A true marriage is never built on snooping or avoidance. A true marriage is made on honest exploration of the issues, as painful or uncomfortable as they might be. Step up to this challenge and find out the truth. The truth will truly set you free—one way or the other.

JIM’S ANSWER
You say that “I don’t know whether or not I should continue discussing this or simply take him at his word and leave the matter alone.” But the fact is that the two of you haven’t been “discussing” it. You’ve been stopped from discussing it by your husband who insists that you believe that it’s only an “office friendship”.
If you were discussing it, your husband would be supplying you with details about the nature of the friendship. Maybe they hate the boss they share and support each other behind the boss’s back. Or maybe they’re bored and they both like stories about the day’s news. Or maybe they are attracted to each other, but don’t want to take it any further.
In a real marriage, even the last example I gave would be part of an open conversation so that the issues underpinning the vulnerability to the “attraction” could be explored.
You see, when someone is cheating sexually, they’ve first experienced a lack of connection in the marriage that’s driving them to look elsewhere. In our experienced, we’ve never seen a couple where both people weren’t emotionally cheating long before the sexual dalliance took place.
I ask you to examine your own cheating. Did you learn about the calls and text messages in some way that was behind your husband’s back? And why would you settle for leaving “the matter alone” without a thorough examination of the issues, especially including the fact that you’ve told him you don’t like what he’s doing—and he continues to do it?
While I understand your discomfort with what your husband is doing, I’m more concerned with the two of you not being able to talk this through. By all means, insist that further examination of the issues take place—regularly—until the two of you have drilled into his disrespect for your feelings and your willingness to just let it go. Hopefully then you’ll have a marriage worth saving.

Q: I’ve been seeing a man for the past eight months and he acts like he doesn’t want me to meet his family and friends. Now, I’m wondering what the reason for this could be or if I just rushed this relationship along too quickly. What exactly is the “correct” amount of time before someone you’re routinely seeing brings you to the attention of his circle of family and friends?
JUDITH SAYS
You say that you’re concerned that you may have “rushed this relationship along too quickly,” but I don’t know what you could mean, unless you are trying to get this man to marry you and it’s not happening. Otherwise, eight months is hardly a long time to be seeing someone. You also say that he “acts like he doesn’t want me to meet his family and friends” so I’m curious as to what he’s actually told you about them. Do you know if his parents live nearby? Does he see them without you? Do you know if they’re even alive? What do you actually know? All these questions also apply to his friends as well. It’s possible he may be embarrassed about his family—and the same goes for his friends. Perhaps, they’re alcoholics or total slobs. Maybe someone is emotionally unbalanced or in prison. You never know. If he’s not close to his family—for whatever reasons—introducing you would not even strike him as something he should do or would want to do. Before you can resolve your concern, you first have to find out more. After eight months, my primary concern is that you know so little about this man and his family and friends. I wonder even more about how he treats you. Since you don’t say anything about the quality of your relationship, I can’t tell if there’s a problem in how he treats you—other than him not wanting to introduce you to his family and friends or your puzzlement by his reluctance to bring you closer into his group. Here is the key question for you: Why don’t you know him better? I assure you, when you can answer that question, without blaming anything on him, then you’ll know how to proceed with the family and friends “problem.” This seems to be a smokescreen you’re hiding behind rather than facing some larger, deeper issue that’s troubling you about this relationship.

JIM SAYS
While there’s no “correct” time before someone you’re regularly seeing might be expected to introduce you to his friends and family, it strikes me that you may be wondering if this man you’ve seeing—for eight months—isn’t actually available. You’ve not said this, of course, but if that weren’t the case, why wouldn’t you just ask him yourself? It would be easy enough—if you have a good relationship with him. But, instead of finding out directly, you’ve written to us. Of course, that really won’t solve the mystery because we can only guess as to what the real issue is with your man. What I can tell you, however, is that your reluctance or unwillingness to actually “test” this new relationship and examine the facts on your own sets you up to be treated like you’re invisible. Why? Because you’re making yourself invisible. You’re hiding out. If you want to have a truly meaningful and trustworthy relationship, you have to take action. You must ask to meet his friends and his parents. And you have to mean it. That way, if he gives you the runaround, you’ll stand your ground and insist on an explanation. What if your man is already married? Wouldn’t it be better to find out? Yes, it would hurt, but, then, at least, you’ll be aware of the truth. Whatever the situation is, as long as you ask him to explain, you cannot lose by knowing the truth. Really, that’s what you need far more than knowing what the “correct” amount of time is before someone should introduce you to their group.