In response to the changing world of dating I offer some tips to women that would have been controversial in the 90s but are needed now. Due to the advancements and accomplishments of women, more women find themselves taking on the role of the shot callers in relationships and more able to support themselves without the help of a man. This new group of women often find themselves single in their 30s and 40s. Contrary to popular belief these women are not single because there are more men than women because statistics now show that there have always been more men than women. These women are single because their increased independence has changed the men they are attracted to. Its as simple as this, if you are driving a Mercedes someone driving a Honda is not that impressive. So not to fight with women over the qualities which attract them to men (which I did in another blog check Shallownesses) I will help these women learn to do what accomplished men have to do which meet people. Accomplished people often pass through their 20s without finding a partner mostly because they are focused on achieving their goals. I get it, I wouldn't advice it but I get it. I think the best time to find a life partner is in your 20s or early 30s. Anyway, single women in their 30s and 40s complain a lot about the quality of men they meet and how few men actually approach them. They usually get approached by married men who just want sex or an unemployed guy. If they meet anyone it is usually a young guy in his 20s and they find that he is not at the stage in life they are so its not a match. The solution to this problem is simple, they have to start approaching the men they are attracted to. So, to make it easier I have 5 tips to assist women in this process. These are tips for meeting people in person but they can also be used for social media connections.
1. Think about WHERE the man is before you approach him. In my book The Hip Hop Dating Guide I have a concept called "The Venue Menu." This concept calls people's attention to the fact that people go to places based on what is going on at the place. Using the Venue Menu concept as a guide. If you like doing things outside you should look for a man at outdoor events. When you are going to approach someone you can get an idea of what they like and what kind of person they are by where they are when you approach them. Also, you can do yourself a favor and improve you connection ratio by using this Venue Menu concept by going to places which have the values of things you like to do. That will improve the chances you have of meeting someone who likes what you like and have common interests. I caution women (as I do men) from going to a club or a bar no matter how much they like dancing or drinking to look for someone to date. There are filled with raging hormones or drug distorted behaviors.
2. Think about what you want to say to him. It's okay to buy a man a drink. Ladies as much as bad pick-up lines turn you off, chances you were picked up using a good pick up line are very high. I don't call the things you first say to people pick up lines I call them openers. Opening lines are good when they lead to a conversation and something substantive. I know you are used to men buying you a drink as a way to meet you and you might feel that if you do it you may lose your power as a woman or something. I disagree with that belief. Just because you buy a man a drink or invite him out for dinner where you pay for it does not mean you will have to pay for everything in the relationship and the man won't still wine and dine you. In fact on the contraire you might just be upping the quality of the courting. I think it is an excellent idea for women to buy a man they are interested in a drink. One thing to be cautious of is the sexual energy and vibes you give across when you do approach a man you like.
3. Chivalry isn't dead. Most men still like to lead the way and at least would like to share in the relationship decisions. Paying for dates and deciding on the activities of the dates are things you will have to share earlier in the dating period than if the man had approached you. Women approaching men can be an imbalance of power so to shift the power brings it back to center the woman has to make a noticeable effort to share the decisions. That means saying things like "So, what do you have in mind for us this weekend?" Whatever you say there may still be some awkwardness because men are used to initiating the dating activities.
4. Easy on the sex. Many and maybe most of a woman's male friends might be interested in having sex with them so they have to make sure that all their dates don't end with sex. As with all dates but especially men whom the woman were friends with prior the woman has to figure out if the man likes them more than just a sexual partner. When women are the initiators of a relationship with serious intent they have to give the man a chance to respond to their more than just sex proposal. They have to coordinate dating activities which allow for their deep more substantive characteristics to showcase. Avoid romantic evenings early on not matter how strong the sexual attraction is.
5. Use it ALL. Lastly, every other dating tip and piece of advice given to single people using dating to find their partner still applies. Just because the woman is approaching the man it doesn't mean the man may not be a player or another dating predator. I use three tools of my own to help people. The Hip Hop dating Codes are the basics of good dating. It mentions things like balancing your attractions and not placing too much emphasis on physical appearance. My Playa Hata list protects daters from people who seek to take advantage of well-intentioned singles. The Playa Hater list has things like making sure the person you are dating tells people about your relationship. Dating on the down low is a risky practice for people. And last but not least the Dating Contract. I created the Dating Contract to highlight the good tenants of a relationship. Communication, respect and pride are the elements of what are emphasized in my Dating Contract. All of these lists are found in my book The Hip Hop Dating Guide available on Amazon.
I encourage every women to empower themselves with learning the ability to meet and approach the men they like. I hope my list of tips helps that process.