Jeff Carroll's Blog

The Top Five Children's stories that shaped our dating values.

In an effort to continue my out of the box thinking I am proud to write this blog. I have never accepted the belief that our behaviors when it comes to the people we choose to date are natural and organic. Wanting a man with money and a beautiful woman are not natural to the human species. Pimping and prostitution are not the oldest human professions like people like to say. I have always understood that if these values were humanly natural then they would be found equally throughout time and the cultures of the world. Since they are not I have tried to answer the question of where do they come from. I have seen the roots of these desires in many different places. Women offering their sex in exchange for advancement in life and men objectifying women are beliefs I can trace back to the books we read as children.
While volunteering at my son's elementary school for a book fair I found myself giving out books that spread these shallow dating values. It was then that I decided to write this blog and share my thoughts on these influential stories. In my Stop the GAME college tour I use Sleeping Beauty and the concept of a Knight in Shining Armor as references but there are more than just these stories that has affected our thinking.
Children's stories or Fairy Tales all started around the same time and have a few writers. The main authors are Danish author Hans Christian Andersen, the brothers from Germany , The Brothers Grimm and French author Charles Perrault who was the first of the great fairy tale authors. Charles Perrault was writing in France in the 18th Century and he wrote such stories as Red Riding Hood, Cinderella, Puss in Boots, Sleeping Beauty, and Beauty and the Beast. All of these stories were in a book he published in 1697 which was titled Tales and Stories of the Past with Morals with the subtitle Tales of Mother Goose. Just in the title of his book you can see the intention of these stories to influence our morals and behavior. When I mention Sleeping Beauty sometimes people laugh but I don't think you will laugh after to read my thoughts on these stories.
Cinderella or "Cinderella and The Little Glass Slipper" (French: Cendrillon ou La petite Pantoufle de Verre, German: Aschenputtel) is a story about the power of physical appearance to conquer class separation and oppression. In the story Cinderella discovers the power of looks. Given a high powered make over by her fairy godmother she is cleaned up for a royal party. Cinderella once HOT just has to smile and be friendly and she will be able to become a Princess and raise up from the lower class. It wasn't her going off to college or even being the best housekeeper it was her magically given looks that was the key ingredient. Cinderella was in a house full of other women who want to snag the rich prince it only reinforces the power of looks when she snags the prince. Remember this was one the stories published in 1697 by Charles Perrault.
Impact. This story is basically about a gold digger. Granted she was on her first day of gold digging but never the less she succeeded. This story inspires little girls to look better than they normally would to catch a man who is so rich he can upgrade their lifestyle.

Sleeping Beauty. (French: La Belle au bois dormant, "The Beauty in the sleeping wood") by Charles Perrault. Sleeping Beauty and the very similar story Little Briar Rose (German: Dornröschen) by the Brothers Grimm are classic fairytales involving a beautiful princess, some form of magic and a handsome prince. In this story you have a beautiful girl who is sleeping and when she is found by a rich prince wearing shining armor she is whisked away to live happily ever after in his kingdom. The prince knows nothing about this sleeping woman he only sees her physical appearance. However that is all it takes for him to wed her and make her the mother of his children. Sleeping Beauty was first published by Charles Perrault in 1697.
Impact. This story is about the stupidest of these children stories of the all. I blame this story for single handedly messing up the American dating process by lowering the selection criteria. The biggest problem we have in the world of dating is people select people to date based on shallow values and don't consider the character of the person they like. The Sleeping Beauty story has no dating process. He finds her and marries her. She wakes up and because he is rich she marries him. It is because these simple values that makes the movie Shrek so funny. Shrek throws a monkey wrench into the story by making the prince and ogre and the sleeping princess an ogre as well.

The Ugly Duckling. (Danish: Den grimme ælling) is a children's story by Danish poet and author Hans Christian Andersen. This story is about brown bird born into a community of ducks who is deemed unattractive and excluded from their activities because of his appearance (this would be considered bullying now-a-days). Labeled the Ugly Duck he become depressed and feels worthless. The story ends when the "ugly duckling" goes through a puberty type phase and turns white. After this process he realizes he is not a duck but another bird called a swan. Swans are considered the most beautiful birds of all. "The Ugly Duckling" was first published in November of 1843 with three other tales by Andersen in Copenhagen, Denmark. The story was well received right from the beginning.
Impact. This story speaks to the enormous value we place on physical appearance. The Ugly Ducking speaks to so many issues. I use it to illustrate racial confusion of African Americans but it is has been used to illustrate the pressures of gender confusion. In all of its uses The Ugly Duckling speaks to self esteem and self worth two qualities for healthy dating. A strong sense of self worth is so important to the formation of a healthy relationship that I do not advice people to date without one. I even consider the word ugly to be one of the most dangerous words and concepts to people. I have stopped using the word after I stopped learning how bad it affected people. Thinking you are unattractive makes people more likely to be in an abusive or unfulfilling relationship. On the flip side when the bird realizes that he is a Swan and beautiful he becomes happy as opposed to asking what is beauty anyway? In the real world its easy to see that beauty comes in a variety of different ways. There are so many variations of human appearance its safer to say not attractive to me instead of saying ugly.

The Frog Prince or, Iron Henry" (German: Der Froschkönig oder der eiserne Heinrich, literally "The Frog King or the Iron Heinrich") is a children's story that there are a lot of versions of however the Brothers Grimm have the most recognized version. The story tells of a spoiled princess who befriends a frog (possibly meeting him after dropping a gold ball into his pond). After befriending the frog it turns into a handsome prince. Now in the modern versions the transformation is triggered by the princess kissing the frog. In the original Grimm version of the story the frog's spell was broken when the princess threw it against a wall in disgust. A popular phrase related to this story is, "You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your handsome prince."

Impact. This story also places a lot on emphases on appearance because the frog is looked at as undesirable and ugly. If the frog was just an animal then the story wouldn't work because they could remain friends and they help each other find mates. This story reinforces physical appearance in the dating selection because even after the princess liked the frog he was not good enough until he looked good.

Beauty and the Beast (French: La Belle et la Bête) is a children's story which has a few similar versions. The first version was published by Gabrielle-Suzanne Barbot de Villeneuve in La jeune américaine, et les contes marins in 1740. While the best-known written version was in an abridgement of her work published in 1756 by Jeanne-Marie Le Prince de Beaumont, in Magasin des enfants, ou dialogues entre une sage gouvernante et plusieurs de ses élèves. Both versions were in French and a year later an English translation appeared in 1757. This is a long story so I will try to be as brief as I can. In this story a girl is told about a prince who wishes to meet her by her father. When she goes to live with him she only finds an ugly man, the Beast. The Beast waits on her hand a foot and asks her to marry him. She thinks that he is holding the prince captive and refuses to marry him. After living with him at the palace for a few weeks she leaves to go home and when she learns the Beast is dying she returns and admits she loves him and doesn't want him to die. The Beast turns into a handsome prince and tells her he was punished by a witch to be ugly. Impact. This story pulls from all of the other children's stories themes. This story has gold digging values, priority on appearance and a materialistic reward. First the father does not tell her that the man who helped him was not attractive because he knows his daughter is hung up on appearance. Then the daughter only goes to the palace because the man is rich and nice, mostly because he's rich. When she gets to the palace she refuses to marry the Beast only because of his appearance. She waits for weeks to meet this prince. Finally, the Beast who is just an unattractive person has so little self worth that he feels he has to trick a woman into marring him. I know people think this is a happy story but to me it is very sad.

In the writers defense I don't think they meant to create gold diggers, players and pick up artists. What I think happened is as times and society changed the message in these stories were viewed differently. I know there are many different ways children can interpret these stories in fact public school lesson plans reinforce the wholesome message of these stories. The messages I have taken from these stories is really a subliminal or indirect message. No matter whether the messages are subliminal or not they can still be interpreted the way I have interpreted it and that makes them part of our dating problems. These stories are innocent but Dating Predators find their inspiration from them. Dating Predators are like most people, they want the prize the easiest way they can get it. In the real world there is no magic making people unattractive and people don't turn into another species of humans that is beautiful. In the real world people who don't build self esteem natural compensate with cosmetic surgery and cars they can't afford. If the Beast were a real person even after the daughter realized she liked him he still didn't like himself and would need to a nose job or something. In the real world gold diggers learn how to seduce rich men instead of being lucky like Cinderella. In the real world Pick up Artists don't go out like the Beast they improve themselves. And when the clean themselves up into a handsome stud they seek revenge on all of the beautiful women who diss them in high school. In the real world players who achieve financial success believe they have buy a woman. This grows into the belief that they can have as many women as they can buy gifts for. This is the same way they feel about any of their other material possessions like cars and houses. In the real world the percentage of women who get breast enlargements because of the loss of one breast or another medical reason is minute compared to the percentage of women who get bigger bobs to improve their looks they aren't waiting for a magical fairy god mother.
Why do we feel our women have to look like some standard collection of body parts to find a man? Why do we feel our men have to have a lot of money to have an attractive woman? And why is physical appearance so important? I don't know for sure but I am sure children's stories are part of the reason.

Thanks for reading Yo Jeff out. Comments please post and question please email coachyojeff@gmail.com

Knowing how to take rejection and deal with break ups is not easy. Some people take rejection very hard. The mythical broken heart is the term that refers to the pain some people feel after being broken up with. Even though people can't really break their hearts the pain can be severe. I remember when I had what I consider to be my first broken heart. I was 29 years old. The break up was actually mutual because both agreed to end the relationship. Needless to say it was the closest I've ever come to suicide in my life. I felt horrible. I couldn't understand why I was feeling so bad. Yes I missed the girl and including the sex but the pain was more than that. It was only years later that I realized that it was embarrassment and that I didn't know how to take a break up. When I told my friends I learned that I was not alone. Girls are more organized to deal with rejection than men are. Women have break up care packages like ice cream nights but it is different for guys. One guy told me he was balled up in his bed crying for a week after a girl left him.

Well like it or not breaking up and being broken up on is a part of the American dating process. In fact, ending a bad relationship is sometimes the best thing for the people in the relationship. So here are my tips on how to deal with being dissed.

1. Think about the divinity of the events of the World. I know this seems way out there but I like to say it this way instead of just saying take it to Jesus or pray but this is really what I mean. I conceder meditation or thinking to yourself to be the same as prayer. You can put a lot in order if you separate yourself from your immediate problems and think about the larger picture. When you do this you will put your experience into perspective and realize that you are not alone and others have gone through what you are going through now and survived.

2. Understand you don't need to be mad at somebody. Sometimes nobody is to blame. I a lot of people think you are suppose to go Rambo and start screaming and displaying your anger. I disagree with this belief. I don't think getting mad and hating the people that break up with you is smart. Most times it's the best thing for you to not waste your time dating someone who does not like you as much as you like them. There are many other people to date and marry in the world, your goal is to find someone who likes you as much as you like them. If anything you can get upset with HOW the person broke up with you and not that they don't want to date you anymore.

3. Ask yourself what will getting mad do to your situation. Since getting mad is such a common response to getting dissed I felt it was important for me to reiterate how foolish it is to get mad. Some people get mad when they get rejected from something as simple as getting the wrong phone number. When a person gives you the wring phone number after you've talked to them you feel rejected. Here is a person whom you've talked to for a few minutes and felt a connection. But when you make a move to advance the relationship they don't have the decency to tell you that the feeling isn't mutual. Yes it's F'd up but what will getting mad about it solve. I say just move on. Take notes, see if there was something you could have done different and move on to the next person.

4. Try not to let your actions change for the negative. Some people get so bitter after a long relationship ends because they've invested a lot of time and energy into it. I'll leave money out of this because that's a whole other conversation. When a long relationship ends it can hurt. Many times you have grown accustomed to having the person around and not having them is a big change. When this happens its important to monitor your actions and make sure you don't allow yourself to become bitter and change for the negative. You don't want to start over eating or harboring baggage that you bring into your future relationships.

5. Take a break from doing anything and think about solutions to your problem. There is no clear rule on avoiding a rebound relationship however I think one of the best things you can do after a break up is to take a break. I'm not suggesting that you take years off from dating. I think taking a month or two away from the dating scene is good. Some people already have future dates lined up before the end a relationship. I don't think that is a good idea. I don't care how much you are desired by other people taking a break to get back into yourself is important.

As always your feedback is welcomed. I try to think of topics to blog about that you won't find anywhere else. If you have a comment please post it and if you have questions or topic suggestions please email me at coachyojeff@gmail.com

In my workshop I ask people "what is their Love Muscle?" And they give me a variety of answers. Most people say their heart. Others say their reproductive organs. Neither of these answers are correct. While the heart is the symbol of love for Valentine's Day in reality it's role to the body is only to circulate blood and oxygen. It doesn't pump chocolate. Reproductive organs are just that, organs for reproduction. Now they do transmit feelings interpreted as love they are not love muscles. Now, what I call the Love muscle is the brain. The brain is where all of the decisions are made. The brain is where the pituitary gland is located. The Pituitary gland secretes hormones called Endorphins. Endorphins help people feel pleasure and pain. The Endorphins operate through your nervous system. There are large amounts of these nerves in both the male and female reproductive organs.

It is important for single people to understand the roles different body parts play in the dating and mating process. I have listed the top 5 most important body parts for people who are dating.

Mouth is the speaking and communication muscle. This muscle should be used to inspire, motivate and encourage. It should not be used to destroy and demise people.

Ears are the listening muscle. This muscle should be used to learn from the person I'm dating so they can combine with their date's knowledge to achieve a greater level of intelligence as a couple.

Heart is the muscle that pumps blood. The heart should not be confused as some sort of a love determination device or something that should be used to find a life partner.

Reproductive organs are reproductive muscles. These muscles should be used as a way to make partners feel better. It should not be used to hurt people or find love or withhold love. Reproductive muscles should also be respected as a way to bring in the next generation of people.

Brain is the LOVE MUSCLE. The brain is what God gave people to think and make intelligent decisions regarding the people I date.

As always your feedback is welcomed. I try to think of topics to blog about that you won't find anywhere else. If you have a comment please post it and if you have questions or topic suggestions please email me at coachyojeff@gmail.com

Everybody likes to do resolutions at the beginning of the year like if they can't do them anytime but who am I to hate. I still have resolutions from my high school years that I am still working on. Anyway, since people are in the mood to do things they haven't done before I wanted to help them with my own list of good dating resolutions for singles.

1. Get a Dating partner or group date with people younger than you who date a lot. This is a good idea I got from going out with some of my young clients. The concepts don't change but there are new ways of doing things. Case and point when I was single there was no such thing as a smart phone. Make sure the people you go out with have had dating a few people and less long term relationship experience.

2. Read a new book on dating. Books are just collections of people's ideas and experiences. So until my dating book comes out my favorite book is The Game by Neil Strauss. It was written for men but it's good for women too.

3. Go to dating events. Speed Datings are not a waste of time. Sure they've been around since the late 90s most people still haven't gone to a speed dating event. There are all kinds of speed dating events and if you go to a speed dating by a dating professional chances you'll meet someone who is seriously looking for a date are better. I do caution you from going to a speed dating at a club or bar they are magnets for amateur pick up artists.

4. Go see a relationship counselor or dating coach. I don't just suggest this because I'm a dating coach but because as a dating professional I see how many people need help. Nobody was taught how to date so we all learn from each other. Professional dating instructors actually do help people.

5. Do a relationship evaluation. Find out where you are emotionally, what you want from a person and what you have to offer them. Check your baggage. Get critiqued from people who know you.

Dating is a basic process, however the world changes and so should people. For people who are coming out of long relationships opening up to changes may be easier than people who have been single for a while. These resolutions can be used anytime throughout the year.

As I always going to the movies is my most enjoyable form of entertainment. Even my love for bowling comes second. That being said my favorite dating activity is going to the movies. My wife and son go to the movie at least twice a month and in good months when there are a lot of good movies coming out we go every week. In addition to being a dating coach I am an award winning filmmaker. It is these characteristics that makes me feel qualified to share with you my list of top moves of 2011.
My list of the best movies of 2011.

1. Rise of the Planet of the Apes. I give this move the props of an original story an not that of a remake. Before I saw this movie I prepared myself by watching the original Planet of the Ape series. I loved the original Planet of the Apes movies "It's a mad house" sorry I digress. But the movie that this was based on was the worst of the original series. Now they turned this story around and made it damn near better than all of the other movies. They made the story a animal rights story and not an analogy for racism like the first. It was entertaining and had a message in the same way as James Camron's Avatar.

2. Sucker Punch. Now please let me first say before all my female readers attack me. The next four movies I liked almost equally. Sucker Punch was different. It was imaginative and the story didn't drag. It wasn't crazy entertaining like some of the other movies from 2010. It was just that the movies of 2011 weren't as good as 2010 or even 2009.

3. Real Steal. This movie was fun and emotional. I was rooting for the robot to win. I wished the robot fights scenes were longer. Some people want movies to have unpredictable endings. This movie was very predictable but it was fun. After the Departed I realized I don't like movies that have confusing endings. Matter of fact my life requires so much thought I don't want to have to much calculation in the movies.

4. Captain America. This movie could have easily been my number one movie. I really enjoyed myself in the theater when I saw this picture. For them to take a super hero I didn't care much for and make a movie I would like I have to give them props. I still didn't make me pick up a Captain America comic book. After Wolverine Origins I thought super hero movies were a wrap but Captain America made believe again.

5. Sherlock Holmes. I enjoyed the first movie so much I am still watching it on cable. I wasn't scared the sequel to this movie was going to be good. The only thing I was scared of was that there wouldn't be a sequel. I am still waiting for the sequel to Cloverfield. In this economy sequels are not guaranteed and when they do make a sequel it may not have the first one's budget, like Quarantine, Aliens vs Predators and Starship Troopers.

6. Fast Five. This was a high energy over the top movie just the way I like it. Why can't there be a movie like this every week? Some movies this year came so close but messed it up with some corny scene or a story that doesn't make sense.

7. X Men First Class. This was a very good prequel and the product of good character development and back story. This movie renewed my love of the franchise. They even gave the black characters good lines.

8. Priest. I should have seen this movie in 3D. This was one of the movies I was really looking forward to seeing from the trailer. This movie could have been my number two movie but the story got wack at the end. Such a good movie that went downhill.

9. The girl with the Dragon Tattoo. What I was surprised about with this movie was the subject matter. That fact that so many people are reading the books and no one talking about the abuse of women is crazy. Even with the movie being out people rather talk about the acting rather than rape and rape victims. Maybe we really need a girl with a dragon tattoo if we want someone to stop these sick people. In comparison to Lisbeth I still think Precious (of the movie Precious) handled her abuse better. But hold off on a full opinion until I watch the third movie of the trilogy.

10. Thor. This was another movie that made me like a super hero that I didn't like before. I would actually like to see another Thor movie. I hope the Avengers movie is good. Thor is so cocky he made the movie on his lines alone. I would love to see Thor fight better villains maybe one with a mouth like his. If Superman had a mouth on him I would like him better.

I started writing this list before I saw the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo I had already put ten movies together . So, when the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo made my top ten it pushed Contagion out but I still wanted to share my thoughts.
11. Contagion. This was one of the best virus global threat scenarios I've seen in a movie. It reminded me of the book World War Z. I hope the writers for the sequel to Rise of the Planet of the Apes watched this movie.

That was my top ten and here are the rest of the movies I liked from 2011. Not in any particular order.
Drive
Season of the witch
Pirates of the Caribbean.
Battle LA
Cars 2
Kung Fu Panda 2
Cowboys and Aliens
Hanna
Columbiana
Killer Elite
Transformers.

I apologize to Tyler Perry, Brandon T Jackson and Eddie Murphy for not seeing their movies this year. I just couldn't get to see them. I think they may have come out the same week as another movie I really wanted to see. I know that was the case with Bank Heist. However I saw some corny movies this year but what was worse was there were stretches where there weren't any good movies out. Even more frustrating is that I have Fandango on my phone and I get to see ever movie coming out each week and I have to deal with the fact that some movies aren't released in my city. Two of the movies I would have loved to see that I am going to see on DVD are Shaolin and Attack the Block.

As I always do in preparation to writing this blog I review my selection with my wife and son. This year they wanted to share their top movies.
First up my son's top ten is.
Kung Fu Panda
Cars 2
Battle LA
Real Steal
Priest
Immortals
Transformers
Pirate of Caribbean
Captain America
Planet of the Apes

My wife's top movies were.
Planet of the Apes
Captain America
Fast Five
X Men First Class
Real Steal
Drive

Here are our list I loved to hear yours. coachyojeff@gmail.com Yo Jeff

The holidays are the time for company parties and meeting new people. After these meetings and love connections blossom the highly anticipated first date is scheduled. The first date is an important meeting no matter how long the conversation is you have when you first meet the first date is a chance to improve on the impression you make and learn more about the person you are interested in. Men sometimes think that the way you meet someone limits the potential of the relationship. I disagree with that. Since most people at bars and night clubs where there is either a lot of drinking or a lot of grinding so hormones are raised and senses are distorted. No matter what you do short of having sex when you first meet as long as contact information is exchanged you have a chance to correct or improve on whatever impression you made.
The first date like any date is a place for learning about the person you are dating. You want to have a free flowing conversation. You don't just want to have a job interview. Remember if this was reality TV show you would be on their dating show and they would be on your show. You want to gain information but you also want to vibe. You want to have a verbal dance which is the best type of conversation. Learning how to talk to each other is important as it is to have sex with each other. When it comes to divorce poor communication is the leading cause.
Now, it does matter what you talk about. Talking all night about movies and music may be fun but you need to gather more information than learning what you date likes about Mary J Blige. So, to help you maximize your conversation I have list a few good questions you might not think about asking on your first date. Some are funny while are deeper. Mix them up when you ask them and reherse your answers before you go on the date. Please don't think you need to ask all of the questions on the first date. Don't ruin the vibe trying to ask a question. These questions can be spread across the first few date. Lastly, remember to have fun.
1. Why are you single?
2. Why/how did your last relationship end?
3. What was the longest relationship you've been in?
4. How many relationships have you been in?
5. What is the most fun you've ever had on a date?
6. What are the top 5 songs in your mp3?
7. What's your favorite restaurant?
8. What was the last good movie, play, concert or book you saw, attended or read?
9. Do you take a dump with the door open or closed?
10. Have you ever been married?
11. Do you have any children?
12. Do you take regular AIDS test?
13. What do you do with family? How often do you visit your family?
14. Do you have any siblings?
15. Have you completed your educational aspirations?
16. Have you ever been in love before?
17. What is your favorite drink? Alcoholic and non-alcoholic?
18. What is your political affiliation?
19. What do you like to do on weekends?
20. What is your favorite sport to play and watch?
21. Have you ever been in dept?
22. Have you ever been in the hospital?
23. Have you ever stolen anything?
24. What is your family heritage?
25. Have you ever gotten a ticket?
26. What do you think of the President?
27. Do you go to church?
28. Where did you grow up?

You might notice that the title of this blog is 20 Questions for a first date and I have 28 questions listed. What had happen was when I started thinking of questions I kept thinking of more questions. Since I always like to hear your comments please add to anything you want to ask me which questions you think are the best. With your help I can get my list down to 20. coachyojeff@gmail.com

The reality is that all men don't cheat. I know this because I am a man who doesn't cheat and I know many other men who don't cheat. I am writing this so women can understand the effects of believing that all men cheat has on them and how to address that distorted view of men. First I will address why men don't cheat. Most people like to talk about why men cheat. The true is the opportunity is there for all men to cheat. My concern isn't why men cheat just like I don't think worrying about why people steal will solve stealing. I think what will help better is if women learn why the men who don't cheat avoid the temptation, and then the better they will be able to identify them and date them. Here is a list of things I believe are characteristics of men who don't cheat.

To them it is STUPID because of the risks. They may have had a friend or family member who had been harmed physically by a bad love triangle experience. Now, these men may not tell the women they are with voluntarily but if you ask them they may tell you. These men may not have had a lot of girlfriends and may have married early.

It is disrespectful to the person they are dating and to themselves. These men are very moral and mature. They may be deeply religious or socially conscious and or committed to a cause. While so men may say this as a simple line to cross the men who feel this way will not have problems with sharing their daily activities and friendship circles.

They don't know how to do it without it being disrespectful or getting caught. Even though this is a sad excuse some men just don't know how to be sneaky. Just like stealing there are people who know how to steal something and people who don't but would if they could figure out how. There are those who just don't steal because they know they will get caught. This is a weak reason but it is still a reason. In reality some men cheat on their girlfriends and wives because they can get away with it. More than likely cheating is not the only thing they can do without people knowing it.

They are in a relationship, which is nurturing and respectful. Happiness is a real reason to not cheat. Men and women who are unhappy in their relationship are more likely to cheat than people who are in happy relationships.

They are mature and experienced with women and don't feel they are missing anything in other women. This is a sentiment I hear a lot of older men share. I often hear older men advice younger men that they are not missing out on anything by being with one woman. So, it's safe to say that this belief is something they have had throughout their married life. This is one of the issues I take with these grown playboys and philandering bachelors. They claim to be so smart and educated but yet they can't commit to a woman. To me they aren't mature men they are little boys with no discipline. I am willing to say that these men who lack this type of maturity lack it in other parts of their character.

They have made a conscious decision to be with the woman they are with. Men who have this feeling are able to make other firm decisions. When these people make these types of decisions they are very clear about them. They either hold the commitment of marriage very dear to them or they seriously value having a wife. They are very clear on why they love the woman they are with. Clear about why they choose the woman they chose. They may not have dated a lot of other women. They should be able to explain what was wrong with each of their past girlfriends. They might not have dated a lot of women and therefore they feel lucky to have found the one they married.
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It is against their beliefs and they knew what they where getting into when they entered into a relationship. This is a feeling of many men. For men who believe cheating is wrong they have no problem telling people. These are the strong men of the family and community. The live their lives like a model, like an example for others. These men will tell anyone about marriage and commitment without even being asked.

They had a healthy dating experience and found a person they could spend their life with. This is a feeling that men have when they are head over their heels in love. Men don't cheat when they feel like this. Not every person feels this way but some do. These are special people. We should all have dating experiences, which are fruitful like this.

They aren't presented with the opportunity to cheat. This is sad but true. Some men just don't go anywhere were they think they can get away with an act of infidelity. They don't travel for business or anywhere by themselves. They don't have women they can cheat with. They don't have women around them who want to be with them. Now this doesn't mean that all men who travel cheat. Hell no. Nor does it mean that men who have a lot of women who want to be with them will cheat. It just means that some men don't cheat because they don't have an opportunity to cheat.

They think about the outcome of physical intimacy. Some men value their lives and are comfortable to be where they are. They have worked hard to be where they are and don't want to mess it up. Maybe they pay child support already and don't want to pay more. Maybe they are scared of catching a disease. Men can even be scared of attracting a fatal attraction. They may have had a bad experience or witnessed a women go Carrie Underwood or Jazime Sullivan.

As always I love to hear your comments hit me up coachyojeff@gmail.com

This summer I attended a screening of Michael Baisden's relationship documentary "Do Women Know What They Want?". Billed as a survey of Black male and female relations it was more like a promotional video for open marriages. After the screening there was a question and answer session. During the session Michael asked is there any guy in the audience who doesn't understand the motivation for an open marriage or thinks it's a bad idea. Well I had to keep it real so I raised my hand. Once I said I was a happily married man Michael started referring to me as "Married Man." He then proceeded to turn around and ask me a question. He asked me why don't I see open marriage as a solution to the dilemma Black women are faced with. He had said earlier that since there was more single women than there are available Black men that open marriages or man sharing is a viable solution. I responded by telling him I believed that using open marriages as a solution would ruin both the institution of marriage and single black women. To me open marriage is a bootleg form of polygamy.
The exchange got me to thinking and I realized that there were a lot of practices which should be brought into the conversation. So, before I explain my position fully I felt it was important to list the different practices which are a part of the open marriage conversation.
Marriage (or wedlock) is a social union or legal contract between people. Marriage is the social institution in which intimate personal and sexual relationships are conducted in a variety of ways, depending on the culture or subculture. Marriages or matrimony begin with a series of activities and rituals geared to strengthen the couple's bond called a wedding ceremony.

People marry for many reasons, including one or more of the following: legal, social, sexual, emotional, economic, spiritual, and religious. People also get married for other reasons like arranged marriages (which was to merge cultures or tribes), family obligations, the legal establishment of a nuclear family unit, the legal protection of children and public declaration of a commitment. The act of marriage usually creates legal obligations between the individuals involved. In some societies these obligations also extend to certain family members of the married persons. Some cultures allow the dissolution of marriage through divorce or annulment.

Open marriage is a marriage in which the partners agree that each may engage in extramarital sexual relationships, without it being considered cheating or infidelity. Reasoning is since the sexual activity is requested and granted permission then it will not hurt the relationship like doing it behind the back of the partner.

Polygamy (means "often married" in Greek) it is a marriage which includes more than two partners. Polygamy is when a man is married to more than one woman at a time. In polygamist marriages there is no bond between the wives. When a woman is married to more than one man at a time, it is called polyandry, and there is no marriage bond between the husbands. If a marriage includes multiple husbands and wives, it is called group marriage.

Swinging is a non-monogamous activity, in which both partners of a committed relationship engage in sexual activities with other married couples. Swinging can take place informal social gathering of friends or planned or regular social gatherings of swinging couples. There are swingers' clubs and also internet-based services. The wife swapping activity is a predecessor to swinging. Wife swapping does not accurately describing the full range of sexual activities in which couples may take part. Wife swapping is old school. Now-a-day's men can engage with other men and women can engage with other women.

Here is a brief list of the related philosophical terms.
Monogamy is the practice or condition of having a single sexual partner during a period of time. It is also the practice or condition of being married to only one person at a time. Some monogamist believe it is the practice of marrying only once in a lifetime.

Polyamory (from Greek word poly which means many or several)] and Latin word amor which means [love]) is the practice, desire, or acceptance of having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved. Polyamory, often abbreviated as poly, is often described as consensual, ethical, or responsible non-monogamy. The word is sometimes used in a broader sense to refer to sexual or romantic relationships that are not sexually exclusive, though there is disagreement on how broadly it applies; an emphasis on ethics, honesty, and transparency all around is widely regarded as the crucial defining characteristic. The term "polyamorous" can refer to the nature of a relationship at some point in time or to a philosophy or relationship orientation (much like gender or sexual orientation). It is sometimes used as an umbrella term that covers various forms of multiple relationships; polyamorous arrangements are varied, reflecting the choices and philosophies of the individuals involved.

Monogamistic marriage is a marriage consisting of only two parties.

Now that I have reviewed the variety of practices and beliefs I will share my own. I feel open marriages are emotionally motivated and are only physically motivated. In the open marriage structure the way it is practiced is that one (usually the man) meets someone they are interested in and asks their partner for permission to have sex with this person they've met. The person their married to grants them permission thus opening the marriage. My problem is there is no commitment made between the married person and the person they got permission to sleep with. For the third person the activity is a purely sexual encounter.

In polygamist marriages the person in the marriage has to not only get permission to have sex with third person but they have to get permission from their spouses to go on a date with the third person. In order for open marriages to be able to address the surplus of Black women they would have to have a long term relationship or else going by the way it is structured how the third person never gets married and when the sexual relationship ends they are back to being alone. That's why open marriages are just an excuse or hustle for people (mostly men) to continue to sleep with different people. People who promote open marriages also believe that men are free roaming animals and monogamy is not natural. What I say to these people is human beings are intelligent animals and our intelligence allows us to control and rationalize the things which our animalistic urges direct us to do. Therefore, any person who cannot be monogamist is not a fully matured human being.

My last problem with this open marriage hustle and its BS ability to assist in the dilemma facing the black community and greater American society is this. The single people who open married couples invite into their activities are not single people who are victimized by the inability to find a date. The single people they hook up with are people who are attractive and find dates and just don't find someone they want to date. Not being able to find someone good enough for you to date is different than not being able to find a date at all. Even if every marriage was open the people who can't meet a date won't be affected. The main reason why women who don't get approached by men won't be affected by open marriages is because people select people superficially. The people who want to swing are looking for sexual encounters not another quality relationship. If women just want to have sex with different people they can have that without the drama of an open marriage. Oh and don't think there isn't drama in open marriages. According to an article in the November 2011 Ebony magazine Kenya Stevens a promoter of open marriages says "Without coaching couples will encounter emotional storms that can make them unstable." Now that doesn't sound like a sensible lifestyle for people so let's forget about this perverted fueled nonsense and grow up. We need to learn how to date. Our nice guys need to step up and play out these players. Our women need to stay on their grind and add the ability to meet men to their skill packages. Finally, we all need to learn how to control our sexual urges so we can enjoy the benefits of monogamy.

Hit me up with your comments. This conversation is not just an issue for married people it is important for our single community and our children also. I want to hear from you. I have been wanting to write this blog since July. I wanted to call it "I know why your freakyass wants an Open Marriage" but my wife liked the Open letter title better. Sex is a big factor in our bonding so look out for one of my future blogs on how to control our perverted sexual urg

I was watching the news and they were talking about the new voter reform laws. One of the sides was arguing that the laws making voters show Ids to vote was unnecessary because the old system caught every fraudulent voter. Their argument reminded me how I argue the power of a good dating process. Let me explain. According to Top Dating dot com the #1 cause of for relationships to end is cheating. That stat on its own is fine but when you compare that to the causes for divorce it gets confusing. According to the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers infidelity is the fifth cause of divorce. They sighted Poor communication as the number one cause of divorce. Now why is there a difference? Do people learn how to be monogamist or do the vows and the seriousness of marriage make the people step up their behavior. Or do people who just don't know how to commit are just not able find someone to marry?
I think cheating ends so many relationships because dating infidelity is something people look for. People structure their dating activities to check for their dates to cheat more than they are for them to communicate well. Many people expect marriage and living together to improve their communication, but some couples don't even examine how well they communicate. Then these couple go on and get married to people they don't know how to talk to. Dating, like the current voting system works if you use it. People check to see if their dates are loyal and committable because they're biggest fear is being cheated on. They don't make sure the person they are dating listens to their problems or shares their own problems while their dating because they don't think their poor communication will cause the end of their relationship.

Here is the top five causes of divorce listed by the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers:
1. Poor communication
2. Financial problems
3. A lack of commitment to the marriage
4. A dramatic change in priorities
5. Infidelity

If you want to make sure your relationship has marriage ready communication here are 3 things you can do.
One. Treat your relationship like it's a marriage. Act like your married and monitor how you talk to your partner. Pretend you are business partners with your date.
Two. Make a regular time to talk during your day.
Three. Share your story or information first. This is the show by example technique. You can even say "I'll go first."

Things you can talk about.
How your day was.
How your drive to work was.
How your siblings are doing.
Is there anybody at your job talking to you about anything?
What you thought about during your day or the night before while you slept.
What you want to watch on TV or do during the upcoming weekend.
What you had for lunch.
What you would like to have for lunch.
Talk about updates on future plans, vacations and the sort. Be careful not to talk about household chores all the time, maybe once a month.

If you have trouble talking about any of these suggestions then you may have a communication problem.

This is what I was thinking about today what do you think? What do you talk to your partners or the people you're dating about?

This is a tribute blog to one of my favorite Hip Hop artists Heavy D. The world lost a good guy yesterday when Dwight Myers passed away. I was not only a fan of the heavy man I actually got to meet him a few times. I saw Heavy a few times when I worked a CBS records and had to make trips up to Uptown records. I also worked at the Apollo when he performed at concerts and appeared on Showtime at the Apollo. However, I got the opportunity of a lifetime to be there for him after the City College tragic celebrity basketball game stampede. I've told this story a thousand times of how a friend of mine name Beast who does security asked me to drive Heavy D home after the accident. It was about 30 minutes from Harlem to Mount Vernon. I got a chance to be there for Heavy. My friend Marc and I tried to talk Hip Hop and keep his mind off of what had happened. I think we may have done a good job. He was very sad and we tried to point out that it really wasn't his fault. I blame Puffy more than Heavy. Puffy was a promoter and as promoter it is your responsibility to organize your event so it is safe for all of your patrons. Heavy was just a celebrity who put his name on the event. Heavy was cool and very open. It was years ago in 1991. I still have the flyer. RIP to those fans who lost their lives at that event. Now back to Heavy. All I remember from the ride is that he was cool. I think I dropped him at his mother's house. I saw her walk up the driveway to meet him. This was before cell phones so we were uninterrupted.
What I like about Heavy D is that he was unapologetically happy and fun. He was not a thug or a gangster but he was as Hip Hop as the most hardcore artist. Today I think of the Black Eye Peas and how people try to say they are not Hip Hop because their songs are fun and danceable. Well Heavy's main beat producer was Teddy Riley a member of the R&B group Guy. Teddy pioneered through artist like Heavy D a sound he called the New Jack Swing. Teddy is the father of producers like Timblerland and Pharrell just to name a few. I always say that Hip Hop was balanced from the beginning. There were positive lyrics before there were gangster tough guy raps. Heavy D was a shining example of that and I am glad we had an artist like him. This blog in no way does his legacy justice I know there is far more to him than the few words I am saying about him here.
He was very honest in his songs. What I like about Hip Hop is that the artists write their own lyrics and because they do their songs give you a window into their lives. One of my favorite songs by Heavy D is Somebody for Me. In this song he shares his pain of finding a wife. Even though at the end of the song he doesn't feel he will find love it is still an important song. Many women think they are the only people who have problems finding a husband. There are people who debate me saying that the problem is men don't want to settle down and get married. Well here is a hit song that represents another view.
In closing this is a tough loss for me because Heavy was only 2 weeks older than me and a fellow Gemini. I will remember him forever because I am somebody who loves Heavy D.
Here's a link to Heavy D's "Somebody for me" one of the best Hip Hop relationships songs. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I2fS9XtWemY

Here's his bio courtesy of Wikipedia
Dwight Arrington Myers (May 24, 1967 - November 8, 2011), better known as Heavy D, was a Jamaican-born American actor, rapper, record producer, singer and former leader of Heavy D & the Boyz, a hip hop group which included G-Whiz (Glen Parrish), "Trouble" T. Roy (Troy Dixon), and Eddie F (born Edward Ferrell). The group maintained a sizable audience in the United States through most of the 1990s.
Myers was born on May 24, 1967 in Mandeville, Jamaica, the son of Eulahlee Lee, a nurse, and Clifford Vincent Myers, a machine technician. His family moved to Mount Vernon, New York, when he was a young child, where he was raised.
Heavy D & the Boyz were the first group signed to Uptown Records; their debut, Living Large, was released in 1987. The album was a commercial success, though Big Tyme was a breakthrough that included four hits. Trouble T. Roy died at age 22 in a fall on July 15, 1990, in Indianapolis. Dixon's death led to a tribute on the follow-up platinum album, Peaceful Journey. Pete Rock & CL Smooth created a tribute to Trouble T. Roy called "They Reminisce Over You (T.R.O.Y.)" which is regarded as a hip-hop classic.
Heavy D & the Boyz gained even more fame by singing the theme song for the television program In Living Color and also MADtv, and Heavy D performed the rap on Michael Jackson's hit single "Jam" as well as sister Janet Jackson's hit single "Alright". Heavy D then began focusing on his acting, appearing in the television shows before returning the music charts with Nuttin' But Love. After appearing in the off-Broadway play Riff Raff at Circle Repertory Company, Heavy D returned to recording with the hit Waterbed Hev. In 1997, Heavy D collaborated with B.B. King on his duets album Deuces Wild rapping in the song "Keep It Coming." Heavy D was referred to in the song "Juicy" by the Notorious B.I.G., and appears in his music video for "One More Chance".

Now just so the words hit you. Here are the lyrics to Heavy D and the boy's song Somebody for me.
Love somebody

Love somebody who love me for me
Happy happy where I wanna be
Love somebody who love me for me
Happy happy where I wanna be

I'll search low and I'll search high
Trying to find myself a cutie pie
My destination leads me to a dead end
Over and over and over again

They told me to wait so I waited
Anticipated debating and delayed it
But still came up with the same ol' thing
Nothing

It seems as if every time I find the right girl
She turns out to be the very wrong girl
Tell me y'all when will this madness stop?
I want somebody to love me for me
Not because I'm MC Heavy D
I'm looking for a love that's as solid as a rock

Love somebody who love me for me
Happy happy where I wanna be
Love somebody who love me for me
Happy happy where I wanna be
Now maybe I'll take a trip around the world
And find myself a beautiful gorgeous girl
They say when you look one never find
They also say that love is blind

It ain't that blind that I can't see
Somebody out there who's perfect for me
Somebody who's gonna love me for me

(I know you want love)
Love that's what I'm talkin' about
A relationship a commitment
Something to live for

(Maybe if you take your time)
Time has been taken and time has been spent
Now it's time for the lover to score

Love somebody who love me for me
Happy happy where I wanna be
Love somebody who love me for me
Happy happy where I wanna be

Love somebody who love me for me
Happy happy where I wanna be
Love somebody who love me for me
Happy happy where I wanna be

Yo Eddie F. break it down

Yeah aight here we go
So that's the storyline of my life
No cutie pie no future wife
Just relationships that bounce back like rubber

I guess I'll call it a day and throw my towel in
'Cause it seems that I can't win
So I'll just carry on being an Overweight Lover

Love somebody who love me for me
Happy happy where I wanna be
Love somebody who love me for me
Happy happy where I wanna be

Love somebody who love me for me
Love somebody who love me for me
Love somebody who love me for me

Lyrics provided by http://www.kovideo.net/
Source - http://www.kovideo.net/somebody-for-me-lyrics-heavy-d-and-the-boyz-391754.html