Jeff Carroll's Blog

I am often asked when I am going to write a relationship book of my own. Now, I have a finished book which I think is hot and fits in the market place very well. In my book, The Hip Hop Dating Guide, I tried to answer relationship questions and make comments not found in other books as I do with my blog. However some subjects are so important, they become the focus of entire books. One of the subjects is change. One of the things I find I have to do with just about every client of mine is to explain to him or her that it is easier to change themselves than it is to change the world around them.
I cannot count the amount of people I hear complaining about the behavior of men or women. They say things like, "It's hard to find a good woman because they have screwed up expectations or they have been scorned by messed up men. A lot of women have issues― serious issues." Or, "Jeff, I'm just tired because all the men want is sex and all of them have commitment problems. I don't have high expectations; I just want a man who is like me. If I can go to college, then I want a man who has gone to college. I have a good job working for a corporation, so I don't want a man who works at some small-minded job. I want to be able to talk about more than just sports and entertainment."
To all of these people, I say it is not the world or the selection of single people (at least not yet) that is the problem but it is they who are the problem. There are people connecting every day, according to the CDC (Centers for Disease Control), there were over two million people married in 2011.
While reading the various books out in the relationship market, one book says everything I like to say just in the title: Get Over Yourself: How to Get Real, Get Serious, and Get Ready to Find True Love written by Patti Novak, star of the A&E series Confessions of a Matchmaker and Laura Zigman. Patti says that finding true love is not about having the right shoes or a flat stomach; it is about being ready. In her book, she breaks down how to get yourself ready to date by first understanding and fixing your own problems. She explains how to identify your problem behaviors while dating, and figure out if it is your tough girl attitude turning men off or your controlling behavior turning women off. Novak says identifying annoying and problematic behaviors is a very important step and dating trouble is not the problem; it is a symptom of other problems (Zigman and Novak, 2008). I totally agree.

To build on her premise, here are some of my suggestions for people to improve upon before their next date:

1. Accept the reality of the game. Face it, there are dishonest people who do not give mutually in relationships and have selfish agendas. Chances are, you will run across a dating predator throughout your dating years. Do not let a few knuckleheads distort your perception of other available singles. Make note of how you met them and how they behaved.

2. Learn how to communicate. No one can tell what you are feeling better than you. You must be able to express yourself and be able to critique without being offensive. High school age people's level of knowledge is regulated through tests and grade levels. Their experiences are a more comparable to each other; while the experiences and knowledge gap is much broader for older singles. Often times, older people find themselves explaining what they know or experienced so much during dates they feel like they are teaching a class. Communication is a combination of talking and listening. It is like a dance. If I could put as many people as I desire into communication classes, I would fill classes up in every state.

3. Conquer your flaws. Perfection is an achievement. Humans learn and grow their entire lives. We are not dogs we can be taught new tricks after we get old. I was 21 years-old before I went on a roller coaster. I did not learn to enjoy reading fiction novels until I was in my 30s. Living in Miami, I had to learn how to explain African-American history and behavior with more patience than I ever thought. Now, I can talk to people everywhere without getting frustrated over their limited understanding of my people's experiences. Sometimes, people who are single for long periods of time become so good at the small amount of things they do by themselves, the variety of things they know how to do is very limited. The world is very broad and unless you have been to every state and country there are still things you can learn to do and experience if you want to.

4. Bury your baggage. Learn how to use past relationships as historical lessons and do not allow them to become prejudices. I may blog about this on a separate entry. I am reminded of Beyonce's song, Irreplaceable, where one of the lines is, "I can find another you in a minute." I think that is not only stupid, but very common. Many people do just that; they break up with someone with problems and go out and find somebody else like the person they broke up with. People think of baggage as an acquired prejudice, but baggage can also be a change in your dating behavior. A break-up can cause people to change their racial preference. It can also cause people to react hesitantly and not exercise as much caution as they use to.

5. Improve your health and wellness. Your body is your temple, and the better you treat it, the more others will too. Let us be honest, eating chocolates after a break-up is not an urban folktale. A lot of people let their single status break them down and allow them to get out of shape. I say take any excuse you can to improve your health. Why not sort out your frustrations on the treadmill or doing a cleanse? It is your choice what you choose to do with your stress.

It's something that President Barack Obama has. Call it swagger. Samuel Jackson oozes it. Call it Idris Elbaness because he has tons of confidence. It's more than a walk. Bradley Cooper has it. It comes through in just his smile. You may think that Denzel Washington's confidence comes from his good looks but you don't have to look good to have it. Steve Harvey is an average looking person but his has so much confidence its borderline conceit.
Confidence is not only a male thing, it makes women attractive also. Kerry Washington is beautiful but what makes her attractive is her confidence. Some people mistake it for self-esteem but confidence is more than having a strong self-esteem. Taraji P Henson talks about how she didn't always believe in herself but once she started to other people did and she started to succeed. That's not only having a good self-esteem confidence is a look. Confidence is also an attitude. A good example is the men in the TV show Mad Men but it's not exclusive to men. A confident attitude works for women too. Oprah Winfrey has it. Wendy Williams talks about how her breast gave her confidence because it made her like herself more. Sure a lot of women get their confidence from their physical appearance. This is because of the high value society places on appearance.
However, appearance alone is not the same as confidence. Some women believe they look good but they don't have confidence. These women wear make-up when they don't need it. They try too hard to look good. In reality everybody doesn't look attractive. Most people look average. We can work out in the gym forever and we will only look but so good. Confidence is different. A good example of a confident attitude is Rosario Dawson. She has a confident attitude in just about every movie she is in. In the movie Rundown she plays a South America jungle mining worker. She wears dirty clothes which are far from sexy but her confident attitude makes her very attractive. Confidence is the difference between a pretty women with class like news anchor Melissa Harris Perry and a voluptuous street walking prostitute. It's what separates Sarah Jessica Parker's Sex in the City character Samantha Jones from the pretty girl Marnie, Allison Williams plays in the HBO show Girls.
Anyone can have confidence. It's something that speakers like Tony Robbins have it. Comedians need confidence to go on stage and share their thoughts with audiences. In fact almost all performers have confidence. Some performers like Jamie Foxx and Kanye West have so much stage confidence it spills into their off stage lives. Not only do stage performers have confidence many successful people have it. Take the advertising executive and television personality Donny Deutsch it's easy to tell his confidence comes from his success. He's always mentioning his position as a CEO like it separates him from regular people. Contrary to popular belief confidence does not only come from success and attractiveness but it can also come from other places.
Confidence is important for good daters to have. Confident people are happy people. Happy people smile and share of themselves easily because they are proud of themselves. People smile when they are happy and smiling is the most attractive physical quality a person can have. When people build up their confidence smiling will come natural.

Here are my tips on how to build confidence.

1. Be prepared to talk about a subject you have knowledge about and something other people will enjoy talking about.
2. Master yourself. Be an expert on YOU.
3. Know what you know better than the average person.
4. Go to places where what you know is valued.
5. Learn something or achieve something new.

 Be proud of yourself and your accomplishments. Nobody knows everything and everybody knows something. Remember the more you like yourself the more other people will to.

Once you are confident, then you need to appear confident by acting confident.

• Be decisive. Make decisions when you need to.
• Be fresh and clean. Having bad breath or body odor can take away the most confident person's confidence.
• Be ready to meet someone every day. This will change your behavior permanently.
• Be ready to talk to someone anytime. This way you won't get caught off guard.
• Make meeting people a habit. This will help you become a natural. Meeting people should not be something that always has to be forced. Sure it is in the beginning but it will become easy over time.
• Make meeting people an activity you enjoy. Have fun and don't put pressure on yourself to get a phone number from every person you meet. Appreciate the information you learn from the people you talk to. Learn to like people and enjoy their company.
• Try to meet people everywhere so you can approach new places with excitement and not discomfort.
• Speak authoritatively but not condescending. Don't talk like Donald Trump or a computer geek.
• Smile. Smile as often as you can but do smile all of the time. Practice your smiling in the mirror. Take a picture of yourself when you are naturally happy and confident so you know what you look like.
• Move with certainty. Bosses and supervisors have confident walks. Barack Obama and Denzel Washington have very confident walks practice walking like them. Young girls learn to walk in middle school so don't be ashamed to have to learn this skill.

Here are two exercises you can do to give your confidence an extra boost.
1. Try to sell somebody something. Salesmen have to be very confident.
2. Practice talking to large groups this will improve your social confidence.

You might also want to pick up a book or take a public speaking class.

Once you get your confidence levels up you will feel like a Jedi doing a mind trick on people. As with all blessings be humble. Don't use the attention you get to abuse people.

Your comments and road stories are always welcome. coachyojeff@gmail.com

I often advise people that learning how to be really good at sex is very helpful with dating. Having the ability to blow your partner's mind builds confidence. This can help stop guys who get overly excited when they find a willing sex partner. You know these are the guys who rush to have sex as soon as they get sexual interest from a girl. Like, after they finished their first date they push to have sex that night. Then the sex is wack. It's wack because it is the simple "mutual masturbation" type sex where one the man is satisfied. The sad thing is that most women are used to this "you get yours because I got mine" sex and not being fully satisfied during sex. That's why feel it is just as important for women as it is for men to learn how to have sex. Women need to learn their bodies so they can show their partners how to please them or chose partners who already know how.
I love to hate on porno movies. I think they are terrible for most people because they show a one sided male chauvinistic, self-aggrandizing style of sex. However porno movies are where a lot of people learn how to have sex. Some people learn from their siblings but learning from your older sister or brother is not good either because older siblings don't know what they're doing either. Sex is something you have to be taught. That's why the fictional character Christian Grey in the 50 Shades of Grey novels and the real life writer AKA Iceberg Slim were so impactful on the women in their lives. Iceberg Slim was so good at sex he got women to sell their sex and give him the money. Yes he was a Pimp and that is not legal or cool. In his book PIMP he tells stories about how he laid his sexual skills down so well he was able to influence and turn a young girl into a sex worker. Christian Grey was an S&M dominate. He used his sex skills to get women to allow him to beat them and obey him. That is also not cool. I use those extreme examples to show the power of knowing how to have sex. Both of these guys were victims of child molestation. They were both raped by older women who showed them how to have sex. I'm not suggesting people need to be raped by older women, what I am saying is that they both learned how to have woman pleasing sex. This type of knowledge is not exclusive to rape or having sex with an older women. There are 3 very simple ways to learn how to have sex or to understand what pleases a woman during sex. Here are the three ways you can learn how to have mind blowing sex.

1. Read a Kama Sutra Book. Kama Sutra is the oldest teachings on the act of human sex. It is a pure and very deep explanation of sex. Learning about the philosophy and purpose of sex from a Kama Sutra book is a way to learn without the subtle perversion of modern sexuality books. The Kama Sutra is an old book and because its old it gives the act of sex some history. It is a book that connects sex to spirituality that modern sex education books are devoid of.

While the Kama Sutra teachings are old most people don't think of them as a way to learn how to have sex. When people hear Kama Sutra they think of a collection of sexual positions but Kama Sutra is much more than that. Kama Sutra is the ancient Indian philosophy of human sexual behavior edited by the Indian scholar Mallinaga Vatsyayana over 1500 years ago. Mallinaga composed the Kama Sutra to help teach men how to have a happy marriage. Kama Sutra is the oldest book on sex. In it the Tantric sex positions are explained. The western world pulled out the Tantric positions and talks about them separate from the full process.
Before I read a Kama Sutra book I had been asking people what the purpose of sex was in my workshop. Most people didn't know. They would just say reproduction. I then developed the 3Rs of sex to teach people what I thought the many uses of sex were. They are recreation, reproduction and rejuvenation. These are the same uses talked about in the Kama Sutra.
Kama Sutra Is a four day process created to allow the spirit energy of the male and female to bond. The bonding of the two energies will cause them to reach a height of ecstasy only achieved through sex. This ecstasy boosts the energy of both the male and female. This understanding of the act of sex is much broader than just to reproduce. Sex should be fun. We should enjoy having it with the person we are in a relationship with. The Indian culture has what they call Kama Sutra practitioners who were able to use sex to cure diseases. One ailment we could all learn to use sex to treat is depression.

2. Go to a sex toy store or attend a passion party. Passion Parties are the new crave. They are the evolution of the sex toy parties of the 90s. What has changed with the passion party is that they are not just sex toys. Even sex toys are not exactly sex toys.
Sex toys are everything from simple dildo (male penis replacements) to hand cuffs and other bondage equipment. Most passion parties are filled with ladies who want to spice up the sex in their relationships. They are not just freaks. Sex toys stores or Adult video stores carry everything and are for the full out perverted freaks. One of my friends hosts passion parties and explained to me that she sells mostly dildos and oils and some feathers. She said that a lot of couples just don't understand how to be mutually sharing and that many women don't fully understand their bodies. Her passion parties are more like sex education and one sided couples therapy.
This past year my wife and I went to an erotic sex expo on South Beach. Woah! It cost $65 per person. It was like a big Adult video store. It had big exhibits and lots of displays. One booth had real models in a gynecologist chair demonstrating a new dildo. That was crazy. We went to another booth which had little vibrating dildos. The salesman in the booth explained the design of the dildo. He explained how the dildo simulates the female. It was such an informative sales pitch that I learned a little more about the female anatomy.
The way the salesman explained the dildo was much different than what I learned in health class or from an instructional video. I think both women and men could learn some needed things about sex and satisfying a female from going to a sex toy store or a passion party.

3. Take a Tantric Sex Class. Tantric sex classes are the classes you might see on HBO's Real Sex. They are where people teach each other how to have fulfilling sex. I asked one of my friends who teaches a Tantric Sex class was there any other kind of sex? He said that most couples have simple sex. In his classes he shows people how to tap into their sexual energy. This is very much like the deep use of sex talked about in the Kama Sutra book. I asked him what was the average age of the couples who attended his classes and he said "30 and up." I then asked him what age should people start taking a Tantric Sex class? He didn't know. Since my conversation with him I attended a program for teenage parents which helped me think of my answer. I believe Tantric Sex classes are an excellent way for people to learn how to have sex. People will learn how to have sex first hand. They will be supervised and monitored. I know it sounds crazy. Hell I thought these classes were just for freaky couples or swingers but after I thought about all that has come for our ignorance of sex, Tantric Sex class seems to be the perfect solution. I think once children become sexually active they should take a Tantric sex class. If the classes are good for adults then they are also good for new sexually active people.

While I wrote these tips for individuals who want to learn how to have sex it is better for parents who find it uncomfortable to talk about sex. I think it would be cool to read a Kama Sutra book with your child after you have read it first. Even going to a sex toy store might be possible. But I think everyone will draw the line at taking a Tantric Sex class with your child. I think if anything a parent could tell their children about a Tantric Sex class.
Sex is a very important skill for everyone to learn as I've said earlier. Sex is also something people don't talk about. Most religions don't touch the subject and the ones that do only say it should happen after marriage. It's not like after you get married you instantly learn about the female body and can convert you years of "learning on you own sex" into "tantric sex ecstasy".

As always I have not seen a list like this and I know I am outside of the box. Please give me your feedback. Email me at coachyojeff@gmail.com

People always asked me what do I mean when I say Hip Hop Dating? They think I'm going to say on the first date you go breakdancing, then you do graffiti on the second night and when you really like the person you write a rap song together. That's funny but Hip Hop Dating has a much greater purpose than that. Hip Hop Dating is a mixture of cultures and religious dating systems. Just as the Hip Hop subculture mixes music from around the world Hip Hop's dating system does the same. I developed this Hip Hop Dating style in response to the failings of the existing dating systems. The world has changed so much since the marriage processes of the major religions and cultures around the world were created. These dating and marriage processes worked fine for centuries but now modern countries like America suffer from a 42 percent divorce rate. Out dated rituals like paying the father of the female and maintaining virginity until the wedding night are very difficult and almost unrealistic in this perverted high economic society. The people of today need a dating system that speaks to the overly sexual clothing, abundance of sexually transmitted diseases and the mixture of cultures of the world in 21st century. The Hip Hop Dating style utilizes the wisdom of the past to offer something effective for the modern world. So to better illustrate what I'm talking about I have broken down the core of Hip Hop Dating the Hip Hop Dating Codes to its cultural and religious influences. Just as records have to list all of the songs they sample I will list all of the cultural practices I've sampled. The purpose of the Hip Hop Dating Codes was to show people how to be Good Daters and learn how to date without picking up negative behaviors or hurting the people they date.

1. I will only date one person at one time.
Influence: This is taken from The Nile Valley culture of Egypt. In the Kemetic system couples seeking marriage date each other for one calendar year before they join in a marriage. This process is referred to as a Hapi Dance. Named for the God Hapi, God of the Nile river and God of marriage. This will allow couple to see how they connect under all four of the seasons so when they get married they will be as fluid as water.

2. I will not be physically intimate on the first date.
Influence: This is from Indian with the spirit of African culture. The Karma Sutra process is the oldest sexual relationship process in the world. It is a four day process. The first three days is spent talking. Touching doesn't start until the third night. Most people only know the Tantric sex positions but not the full process. Waiting to have sex it an important tool in protection from STDs. In Africa the teaching of sex within a relationship is being used to fight the spread of HIV. In America most people entrust all of the safety into condoms. When people use smart dating practices like getting to know the person they'd like to have sex with it helps protects them from disrespectful people who would pass them a STD.

3. I will declare my relationship before becoming physically intimate.
Influence: This is taken from American Christianity. The Christian dating system is called Courtship. One of the main characteristics of Courtship is announcing the relationship to the parents. Before the couple meets the parents they first have to agree to a dating relationship. This different than other cultures which require the male asks the female's father for permission to date his daughter in the American Christian system the two individuals start their relationship themselves first. Defining a relationship helps neutralizes any confusion in whether the sexual act marks the beginning of a relationship or not. People should know whether they are dating or just sex buddies before they have sex because condoms only protect against disease and pregnancy not feelings.

4. I will use birth control until married
Influence: This is from the American culture. Even though Planned Parenthood started in 1916 it wasn't until their merger with the American Birth Control League in 1942 that pushed the social conversation to the use of condoms as a tool of good sexual health. After the HIV outbreak of the late 80s the use of condoms as a tool for the protection from STDs overshadowed their use as birth control. Some couples stop using condoms once they feel their partners don't have a STD. However, it is in important for people to remember the importance of birth control even when the fear of disease transfer has been eliminated.

5. I will understand that Oral Sex is Sex.
Influence: This is taken from the Indian culture. Back to the organizers of modern sex the Karma Sutra practitioners. Within the Karma Sutra sex activity is the role of oral sex as an sexual activity. Over time American culture has gone back and forth on the role of oral sex in the total sexual activity. The oral sex confusion was heightened by the incident of Bill Clinton and Monica Lowenski. President Clinton argued that the oral sex he had was not sex. According to the Karma Sutra text oral sex is a sexual activity. This is important for people to understand because while oral sex is not a sexual activity that can get a person pregnant it still allows for the feeling and emotions of vaginal sex to be transmitted. When people use oral sex as an alternative to vaginal sex and not considering it a sexual activity they are a greater risks for STDs. In addition to the risk of disease people who don't use oral sex as a sexual activity risks emotional connections with people they may not have a relationship with.

6. I will not be physically intimate with another person while in a relationship.
Influence: This is taken from basic Christianity and Judaism. It's one of the most popular Ten Commandments. It's so popular that people who are not Christian or Jewish adhere to it. I'm talking about the tenth commandment "Thou shalt not covet your neighbor's wife." Even though the seventh commandment says "Thou shalt not commit adultery" it must have been extra important to cover the same thing twice. No matter how many times it is said it is solid dating advice. Don't Cheat. I felt it was important for people to practice monogamy while dating. It has been my experience that people who commit adultery didn't start cheating after they got married. They cheated on their girlfriends and boyfriends. So if you want to be a good husband or wife practice being a good boyfriend and girlfriend.

7. I will not be physically intimate with someone who is in a relationship.
Influence: This is from the African America subculture. This is not written anywhere it is a general code of the street. Don't talk to someone else's girlfriend or boyfriend is a lifesaving lesson taught in grade school. The name Jezebel comes to mind taken from the Hebrew princess of North Israel who used her sexual lure to maintain power. That may have helped her control the throne but keeping your paws away from people who are involved with other people doesn't save you from sexual assault or protect you from an STD it can save your life. Being the other man or side chick can get your killed or severely injured. So, it's a good habit for every single person to adhere to this street code and only date single people.

8. I will not choose to date based solely on appearance.
Influence: This is from Asian and Buddhist belief. Islam is the religion that people think of when it comes to covering women but while the Quran instructs women to cover themselves from head to toe it is not the only religion or culture to do that. In the Quran the rule can also be found in 24:31. Here God commands women not to reveal their beauty spots except what is normally apparent (face, hair, lower arms and lower legs .. etc). That may sound harsh but Jewish women cover and we all know Christian Nuns cover themselves. Even though these customs are extremely unrealistic for a mainstream dating system the idea of not allowing physical appearance to cloud other human attractions is a good thing. Today's society places to high of emphasis on appearance. I don't think covering women is the answer for the simple fact they only instruct women to cover themselves. In America men and women are able to select their mates so if men are able to show their abs, arms and other beauty parts women's selections will be tainted by physical looks.
The Asian culture with its Buddhist practices got my attention because the parents introduce people to their children for them to date. They choose the dates by their personal characteristics. Its not quite an arranged marriage because the children have the option to marry the person or ask for another date. I always like when parents have a role in the selection process however everyone doesn't have parents that can choose for them. In this modern world people will not let their parents choose dates for them mostly because they want a date who meets their physical desires. So I took out the personal characteristic selection component and emphasized the importance of not choosing based on physical characteristics.

9. I will not seduce anyone into being physically intimate against his or her will:

Influence: This is from Islam. Well not literally taken from the Quran but more so inspired by the practices of Muslims based on the teachings of the Quran. I could not find a religion or culture that offered a specific rule about seduction. What used to be romancing and wooing a potential lover has now gone overboard. While seduction is not rape it is counterproductive to the development of a healthy relationship. Most rape victims know their assailants as a friend or casual acquaintance and maybe victims of date rape. Some religions do speak against rape but I don't gather it is the date rape kind of rape which is so common now. There are even drugs like "date rape drug" designed to make someone sexually aroused. Seduction is popular now but too much seduction is rape. Islam actually has rules for men about rape but nothing about females raping men. This verse from the Quran speaks to male rape of women. Sûrah an Nâs 4.119 'O you who believe! You are forbidden to inherit women against their will...'
Like with Bible verses some religions offer rules for men that should be for women also. Like this rule from the Quran which guides men to respect the will of women with drugs like Viagra it is also important for women to mind the will of men. Seducing someone is deception and it really doesn't allow the person the ability to show their true feelings. When the façade wears off it puts the relationship in jeopardy. For relationship to be strong enough to last time they need to start with honesty.

10. I will decide for myself when I want to become physically intimate and not let anybody else make that decision for me:
Influence: This is taken the Native American. One of the things that upset many of the early Christian missionaries was the fact that Indian women were allowed to express their sexuality and to choose their own sexual partners. While sex was a part of traditional Native American marriage, marriage was not about sex. Now I don't suggest we separate sex from marriage I do think it is good for women to take control of their own sexuality and do as men do and decide for themselves when they would like to have sex. I think it is a good behavior for everyone to adopt.

The Hip Hop dating Codes are the core of my Hip Hop Dating advice. This was created in the spirit of a old school Hip Hop DJ who for the lack of a beat machine and musical instruments practiced the art of digging through crates. This was when DJs went to old record stores and Salvation Army spots to find records with good beats and instrumentals to mix them together to make a night of Hip Hop dancing. I simply did the same thing with the existing religions and cultures around the world.

As always your feedback is requested. coachyojeff@gmail.com

While participating in an HIV prevention class we role played a variety of scenarios. One of the scenarios was an unexpected sex scenario which was very much like date rape. We learned how to help girls who feel they have to have sex with their boyfriend talk their boyfriends into using condoms. Most of these girls were in abusive relationships but some of the others were just girls who allowed themselves to be put in a situation where the guy expected sex so much he would not take NO for an answer. This is a classic DATE RAPE scenario. And how common is DATE RAPE? Well a reported 68% percent of rape victims knew their rapist as a boyfriend, friend or casual acquaintance. 68%, yes almost 70%. 70% is the majority of RAPE cases but yet our rape prevention education is all martial arts and pepper spray. Things which are useless in date rape situations.
While thinking about these date rape situations and how common they are I could only think of prevention. In my book The Hip Hop Dating Guide I explain how the Hip Hop Dating Codes help prevent rape and date rape. In my workshop I explain this further to help girls to understand that they need to say NO before they go up to a guy's room after a date. I tell guy's the "blame it on the alcohol" defense will get them locked up for rape. However this is not enough.
I have put this list together for guys who don't want to end up committing DATE RAPE. When we think of rapist we think of people like Matias Reyes the man who raped the Central Park jogger not men like Mike Tyson or Kobe Bryant. Matias Reyes waited for his victims in the dark for women who were alone. He would jump on them and force himself on his victims. This is very brutal and violent. This is the type of rape martial arts and pepper spray works to prevent but its still only about 32% of rape cases. Most commonly rape perpetrators are guys who may be like Mike Tyson. Mike Tyson invited a girl to his hotel room and performed oral sex on her before having sex with her. Anyway, the day after Mike Tyson had sex with this girl who's name you can google she announced she was raped. Mike Tyson was sentenced to 10 years. This was very hard for me to swallow. I couldn't believe it. This case was real and it changed the face of rape and put fear in the hearts of guys. Many guys still invite girls who are unsure whether they want to have sex with them to the rooms and apartments to turn their NOs to maybes and eventually YESs to sex. So to help these guys not become RAPIST and to help prevent rape in a different way than the existing methods so I put together this list of tips for guys.
This list is also for guys who don't want to get BLUE BALLs either. This hits home for me because when I was in college I got a severe case of the infamous Blue Balls. I was in my dormroom dancing, well grinding on a girl. We were grinding for what seemed like hours which could have been because in was in the 80s, in New Jersey and we were dancing to House music. After we danced she did not want to continue the party and have sex with me in my bedroom. Not a problem I had her phone number and she lived on campus so I was sure I would see her later and we could take our relationship to the next level. However, I had had an erection the entire time we were dancing which is why I think we danced so long and when I woke up the next morning I saw blood in my underwear. I was like woah. I didn't masturbate because my penis was sore. I wondered if she had some super venereal disease that could jump through her pants or something. I went to the doctor prepared for news that I had an STD. The doctor told me I had put a lot of strain on my penis and popped a blood vessel. That experience taught me a valuable lesson and I never let myself get Blue Balls again.
Here is my list of things men can do to protect themselves from getting arrested for rape or busting a blood vessel.
1. Learn how to have sex. I mean learn how to be real good at sex. Nobody is taught how to have sex. Everyone makes it up on their own so most people don't do a good job. I call what we do mutual masturbation you know that "did get yours cause I got mine sex." Its not partner sex. This is why many women don't have their first orgasm until their late 20s or 30s. Learning how to be good at having sex will give a person the confidence to place a high value on their sex. People good at sex know what that it takes two people interested in having sex with each other to have it. These people will be less likely to have sex with people who are not certain they want to have sex with them. When good sex practitioners do have sex with a girl they will please the girl so much she will not regret it or forget it. They will make mutual orgasms the goal. So fellas take a Tantric Sex class or start attending some passion parties.
2. Don't seduce women or use seduction drugs like alcohol or Spanish fly. While society gives men the role of the romantic lead things have gone way overboard. Too much seduction is RAPE. Getting a girl so drunk that she finally gives into the sexual advances of the guy she is with may be the theme song of Jamie Foxx and Kanye West's 2010 hit record
"Blame it on the alcohol" but in a court of law it is RAPE. If guys want to avoid a girl waking up the next morning and naming them as one of her rapist then they should not use any of these rape aids. I once heard of a guy who doesn't have sex with women who are drunk. How smart is he. Lastly, when guys learn how to have good tantric sex they will see alcohol as hindrance for enjoying the full pleasures of love making.
3. Get a sex confirmation. I'm not suggestion you develop a sex contract like the skit on the Dave Chapel show. What I'm suggesting is not that formal. I suggest that guys announce what the possibilities of their evening with the young lady they are on a date with. It doesn't have to be awkward, it can sound cool like "I would love to make love to you tonight if that is okay with you." Even at that moment when you are saying goodnight you could say "I had such a good time I love to____" or "If I come up to your apartment making love you would have to be on the menu so if you would like that then let's go if not then I'll be ready when you're ready." If a girl is interested in having sex with you then these lines will not stop her or destroy the romance. If a girl is not interested in having sex with you at that time or later then these lines will not make you look corny. Being clear about your sexual intentions adds passion. Read 50 Shades of Grey if you do not believe me.
4. Understand a woman can say NO to sex at any time. This is the law of the land. Rape is sex with a person who doesn't want to have sex or continued sex with a person who doesn't want to continue having it. I use the reference of Kobe Bryant incident where he was accused of rape. Allegedly Kobe was staying in a hotel and a girl who worked there came to his room and had sex with him. The day or so after the girl accused Kobe of raping her. People thought because she came to his room Kobe didn't rape her. I like to say that his first eight inches were consensual. I use that story to drive the point home that a woman can say NO at any time. A woman put on the condom on and the guy can insert his penis once or twice but after the third pump she can say NO or STOP. Any insertions after that is RAPE and that makes the male a RAPSIST. They don't have a separate category for date rapists they go to same jail as the killers. Kobe got lucky because he had money and was a well-liked celebrity. Most men end up like Mike Tyson. Mike Tyson was sentenced to 10 years in prison because a woman who came to his hotel room testified that Mike forced himself on her and raped her. In Mike Tyson's one man play Undisputed Truth he tells his side of the story which includes him performing oral sex on her prior having vaginal sex with her.
5. Learn how to meet the women you like. The ability for somebody to see somebody they are attracted to and go up to that person and get their interest is liberating. This ability give people more options when it comes to people to date and in this case have sex with. When guys don't know how to meet girls they feel lucky when they finally get someone who agrees to chill with them in a romantic environment. They are so excited they often get sexually aroused just by the girl entering the room. Their so happy they can think of no other women. Many times they've treated the girl to dinner and dating activities so much so that they feel they deserve sex. Their attraction is so strong they convince themselves the girl is ready for sex as well. They can't image the girl would feel any other way. This is a dangerous fantasy and would not be so common if guys learned how to meet the girls they like because they would also look for the feelings to be mutual. They wouldn't be scared of one girl not liking them because they would have many girls to choose from.

As I always going to the movies is my most enjoyable form of entertainment and one of my favorite dating activities. My second favorite is bowling but I think I only got to bowl twice in 2012. As you may know I am an award winning filmmaker so I always like to take one blog to list of top movies of 2012.

My list of the best movies of 2012.
1. Avengers. Man I didn't see this coming. What a buildup. 2 Hulk movies, 2 Iron Man, a Thor and Captain American all good and then they pull off all of them in one movie. Wow comic book movies are a dominant force to be reckoned with now. Two words "Hulk Smash."
2. Django. I was too excited when I saw the cast at comic con but once the hype kicked in my anticipation grew. I think all of the talk about the movie made me appreciate it more. This is not my favorite QT movie but the theater was a thrill.
3. Underworld Awakening. I love this series. I love the coloring of the picture. This was an exciting story. Maybe the best of the franchise for me. I can't wait for the sequel.
4. Chronicle. This was a surprisingly good movie. I love the imagination of the story. What kid has imagined getting super powers to fight off a bully. There are so many teen movies with characters doing stupid things.
5. Judge Dredd. I want this movie to be my number one because I love the setting. This was a real feeling depiction of the future. I love my man Wood Harris in the movie. I could live in this future and I don't know why I feel like that. This JD movie made me watch the first JD movie with Sylvester Stallone. I hope there will be more JD movies.
6. Hunger Games. I think I have a crush on Jennifer Lawrence. I read all three books and they were hot. I love the world. I think the only drawback was that it was a PG film. I would love to see a more gritty version like the old b/w Lord of the Flies.
7. Skyfall. This could easily have been my number one movie but as good as it was I wanted more. I love the way the story uses multiple cities and its grand plots of 007 movies. The only thing I missed in this story was more from the villain. I don't think they showed as much of the villian's lair as they could of. I don't exactly know what it was missing but it missed something.
8. Spiderman. This was a HOT movie. I had been reading the Black Spiderman comic all year and I would have loved for them to be that bold with the film. This was an exciting Spiderman movie and it didn't have a long act two with a corny love story.
9. Lockout. This was my sleeper movie of the year. Every year needs a few movies that you don't see coming. It was a good use of an hour and a half. Scifi always takes my mind away from the problems of the world. They need to do more stories like this. I would to see the Stars Wars books Death Troopers as a film.
10. The Man with the Iron Fist. Quentin Tarantino is on my list twice. This was a good blood and guts movie. Of course The Rza directed the movie so he gets the credit but QT helped him. This was probably the best America Kungfu movie ever.
11. Total Recall. I loved this movie. All of the movie on my list are great. I can't wait to see this movie again on DVD. I loved the first movie with Arnold Schwarzenegger it was my second favorite Arnold movie. What I liked most was they didn't change the movie too much but just enough to make it interesting.
12. Redtails. I still enjoy watching this movie. I wonder what it would have been like if they would have made it bloody like Django. They killed white people and enjoyed doing it. I just think if they would have showed someone doing it would been a "Hella Different" (as the lady in the HBO series Girls says). Django has changed the game now. I want to see my bloody revenge and war stories now.

That was my top ten and here are the rest of the movies I liked from 2012. Not in any particular order.
Safe House
Think like a man
Abraham Lincoln Vampire Slayer
The Raid
Bourne Legacy
John Carter

Here are some movie I wanted to see but didn't because of schedule.
Ted
Sparkle
Project X

Movies that should have made my top 10 but were big let downs. They were all franchises I LOVED. I even read the Hobbit because I was so eager to see it. Sequels have let me down before but last year there were so many. They weren't horrible but they were nowhere as good as the other movies in the brand.

• Dark Knight. Bane was too small. In the comic he was twice the size of Batman. This was a great role for the Rock.
• Taken 2. There's no way I can get into a Taken sequel where the wife doesn't apologize for hating on the hero father.
• Prometheus. An octopus alien! What! This was a prequel to the prequel.
• Resident Evil Retribution. This was a forced sequel along the lines of the Friday the 13th movies.
• The Hobbit. How do you follow a bloody rated R movie trilogy with a PG movie? This should have been a TV series.

As I always do in preparation to writing this blog I review my selection with my wife and son. This year they wanted to share their top movies.

First up my son's top ten is.

1. Wreck it Ralph
2. Kung Fu Panda 2
3. Hunger Games
4. Avengers
5. Spiderman
6. Paranorman
7. Resident Evil Retribution
8. Total Recall
9. Dark Knight
10. Skyfall
11. Judge Dredd
12. The Raid
13. The Man with the Iron Fists

My wife's top movies were.

1. Skyfall. I'm just a big 007 fan.
2. Django. Who doesn't like this movie.
3. Hunger Games.
4. Judge Dredd.
5. Total Recall.
6. The Avengers.
7. Underworld.
8. Kung Fu Panda
9. Safe.
10. Spiderman.

It's a dag on shame that Batman is my favorite superhero and Dark Knight rising did not make my top ten.

Here is our list of 2012's movies, I'd love to hear yours. coachyojeff@gmail.com Yo Jeff

Why old player moves aren't working on today's women. My answer is women have changed. Books titles like The End of Men and the Rise of Women by Hanna Rosin, The Richer Sex: How the New Majority of Female Breadwinners Is Transforming Sex, Love and Family by Liza Mundy are two books which speak to our changing times. Even groups like the National at Home Dad Network speak of the change in women.

An article in the Huffington Post reported the majority of American women are now breadwinners in their households, according to a survey conducted by Prudential Financial. When I tell people there single men in their late 30s who have jobs and no children they don't believe me. This is something that both men and women have a hard time believing. Recently I had a long discussion with a single guy in his early 40s about why he was still single and all of the experiences he's had with women. I learned a lot of things and felt the need to share some of the things that had kept him single so long and is still keeping him single.

I got the idea to write up this quiz from a parent quiz one of my favorite writers Dr. Jawanza Kunjufu gave parents at a workshop I attended. The quiz was simple and very telling. I felt it was a good way to help people survey the quality of their relationship and possible identify areas they can improve before something happens. People say hindsight is twenty twenty but I know plenty of people who saw the break up coming long before the relationship ended. I believe they if people understand what a good relationship is they can head off a painful break up and end their relationship friendly. So I hope you enjoy taking my Partner quiz.
The directions are simple honestly grade yourself between an "A" & an "F" thinking about what grade would the person you are dating give you. This is about your date's feelings towards you not your feelings about them.

1. You make your problems with them known with respect?
2. You make them feel a part of your world?
3. You sexually satisfy them fully every time?
4. You are proud to be in a relationship dating them?
5. You listen to their problems especially when they're pertaining to you?
6. Your presence brings joy and pleasure to them every time you with them?
7. You support their life choices?
8. You are a person they respect through their comments and actions?
9. You are someone they trust and feel are responsible?
10. You are a good influence on them and a positive inspiration?
11. You respect them in front of your friends the same as you do in private?
12. They feel comfortable in your presence?
13. You make them feel appreciated?
14. You involve them in your decision making?
15. You become a different person when you get mad?
16. You get along good with their family?
17. Your family gets along good with them?
18. You are getting to know more about them every day?
19. They would like their child to act like you when they grow up?
20. Do you feel like hugging and kissing all the time?

Important note: This is not the SATs and getting all As is not the only good score. A mixture of As, Bs and Cs id fine because shows you have areas to improve. No relationship starts perfect however if weak areas don't improve then there may be a serious problem in your relationship. Lastly if you feel you're the person you are dating would give you 5 or more Fs then your relationship may have a major problem.

For the first time in a while there is something that is important for all men who are interested in women whether they are single or married. The 2012 book sensation 50 Shades of Grey has the attention of all women. This erotic novel is credited for offering suggestions that spark new life into bedrooms across the country. This piece of PORN, yes I said porn tells the story of a young lady named Anastasia who is being totally sexual fulfilled by one man. Anastasia is so satisfied she is "whipped" like we used to say. Sure the guy who's name is Christian Grey is rich and good looking he also brings a lot of other noteworthy characteristics to the table. Women love reading erotic (soft porn) stories just as men love watching porno films. Just like with men want sex partners like the women in the movies they watch, women who read this book wish for the lovers in their lives to be more like Christian Grey. There are many nonfiction books showing men how to sexually satisfy their women but for men who need to learn by example I suggest they take a look at the man from 50 Shades of Grey, Christian Grey. Christian Grey is not only good in the bed he also has other characteristics that make his bedroom activities even more satisfying.
Here are 10 things men can take away from the behavior of Mr. Christian Grey.

1. He communicated his intentions well. This is one of Christian's main characteristics. He tells Ana things like "I am going to F you and now." Yes I know it sounds crazy but some women do respond to being informed of your intentions. I do not suggest you try this the first time you have sex. Also don't try to be this bold until after you a sure the person really likes you. Communication is the main cause of divorce and learning how communicate your desires is a very honest action. I always say we need to stop playing games with each other and learn to be more upfront and honest with each other. You never know if the person feels the same way until you share your feelings.
2. He always had a plan. Christian was a certified control freak but one good characteristic of him was he always had something to do. He took on the responsibility of making the plans. A lot of women find a man with plans for their dates to be very attractive. Having no plans or ideas activities is not attractive.
3. He knew how to please a woman in bed. According to Ana, Christian was Mr. Lover Man giving her orgasms with every sexual encounter they had even during the quickies. Now whether he was responsible for her having an orgasm or if it was her overwhelming lust for him he still knew how to create the environment for her to reach that sexual high point. The sad thing is most people men and women don't know how to sexually satisfy their female partners. The female body is so special that many women don't know how to satisfy themselves until they are in their 30s. Christian Grey was lucky that he was taught by an older woman when he was young on how to please a women. Even though this is hard to learn it is something every person who plans to have a relationship with a woman has to learn.
4. He was confident and sure of himself. Sure Christian Grey was a billionaire but confidence is not exclusive to rich people. Confidence is very attractive. Confidence can be achieved through knowledge or accomplishment. While every single person has to learn how to build up their self-confidence having too much confidence is conceit. Conceit is not attractive.
5. He was attentive and interested in the life of the person he was dating. If you want to date someone you should be interested in them. A lot of people date people they are only attracted to physically and are not interested in. Not being interested in a person pushes people away and being interested in a person attracts them.
6. He let her know how attractive she was. I used to think telling a women I loved her was the kicker. It works but its not only thing that works. Christian Grey continuously told Ana how attractive she looked. Granted Anastasia had a low self-esteem however I think her insecurity speaks to an insecurity a lot of women have. I think telling a women you love them is good but that doesn't mean you like them. When Christian told Anastasia she had a beautiful body he said it as a matter of fact. He didn't say it sexually like saying she got a big butt or a sexy ass. His comment made her think she was beautiful and not just attractive to him. Telling someone you love them but acting like you don't is a neutralizer. It's one thing to look sexy and another thing to look beautiful. Learn how to tell the women you are dating both things.
7. He was interesting. Christian Grey is a multimillionaire who flies a helicopter and is into S&M. Does that sound interesting? You betcha. Having a lot of money or practicing a social abnorm are interesting characteristics that not everybody can have. Being interesting doesn't require loads of money or doing something that only a few people do. To be interesting all it takes is passion and an understanding of how you relate to other people. Once you understand your particular variation you can explain it to people. Many people think you have to be different to be interesting. No true. We can't all be different. We like movies that lots of other people like. We listen to music that lots of other people listen to. Being interesting is your particular view on the things you do. Your history, why you do what you do. How you learned how to do what you do. All of these angles are what make you an interesting person.

The last three things that Mr. Lover, lover Christian Grey also did that are counterproductive to a relationship. These things he was able to get away with because he had money and looked good. I also think because he slammed the first 7 things so well that these last three were not deal breakers. However for men who are not rich, good looking or are super men these will cost them a relationship.

8. He was too sex prioritized. There is a lot of sexual energy in the beginning of a relationship but Christian Grey only wanted to have sex with Anastasia. Even when they had dinner all he talked about was having sex. Sex is the number one distraction in relationships. It clouds and blocks other areas of couples connections to develop. Most women stop wanting to have sex all the time after the relationship continues. Having sex like rabbits may not last longer than a month or two but if you want to have a strong relationship with a woman you like then you will have to learn how to control your sex drive.
9. He was too controlling, jealous and dominating. Christian Grey was the poster child for the song "I own you" by Nas. I won't get into the fact that he is trying to get Anastasia to become his S & M submissive. One of the first gifts Christian Grey bought Anastasia was a computer. He bought her the computer so he could keep tabs on her. He continued to send her emails and text messages so frequent that she could barely keep up. He would message her after she left his house for a two hour drive home five minutes after she left. He would also get mad at her when she didn't answer his messages. He also wanted to control what she ate and what she wore. Granted he had no problems paying for them but he was still trying to control her. Some women want fatherish type boyfriend or an Archie Bunker type man however we're in the age of Michelle Obama and Sarah Palin. Women today know what they want to eat and how they want to dress. The more a man is able to learn how to respect his girlfriend's feelings and independence the more she will be attracted to him.
10. He was suffocatingly attentive, a board line stalker. Women do love a man who looks them in the eyes when he talks or a man who listens to them but a man who grills them about every decision is not cool. Christian Grey knew things about Anastasia that she didn't tell him. He tracked her cell phone to follow her nightly activity. Following a women around is not only a turn off but it can make a guy look spooky and it will scare a smart woman away. Catering to a woman too much can cause even a nice considerate women to take a man for granted. I'm not saying don't hold open a door but Christian Grey only wanted to do things for Anastasia and only wanted sex from her. I urge guys to have a life. Even though you think the girl you are dating is your personal Kim Kardashian ease back on playing the care taker role.

The book 50 Shades of Grey raised so many topics this is just one a few blogs I will be posting about this book.

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Yo Jeff joins the National Black Child Development Institute.

August, Florida, 2012 Yo Jeff announces the release he has joined The National Black Child Development Institute (NBCDI). NBCDI will be holding their 42nd Annual National Conference on October 6-9, 2012 in Ft. Lauderdale, Florida. For more information goto http://nbcdi.org/

The National Black Child Development Institute was conceived by the Black Women's Community Development Foundation whose concerns were that of the unsatisfactory conditions faced by families wanting to rear healthy children, they decided to organize a national advocacy group. In 1970, the Institute was incorporated and the work began to organize groups within communities as a basis for creating a unified national voice to develop strategies to improve the life circumstances of the developing Black child through policy change. Since 1970, NBCDI has remained steadfast in its mission -"To improve and advance the lives of black children and their families through education and advocacy." With a focus on early childhood education, child welfare, elementary and secondary education, and health, the Institute accomplishes this mission by:

1) Serving as a vital information resource to all individuals who work directly with children, in particular child care professionals, educators, parents, social workers and academicians; and
2) Providing direct services at the local level through its nationwide affiliate network composed of volunteers, who work in concert with the Institute to improve child welfare services, provide access to universal early care and education, build family support services, and provide vital information on children's health.