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Is it time to pop the question to HIM?

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When to ask HIM or HER to marry you.
Recently a new colleague of mine asked me an interesting question. She asked "how do I know if my boyfriend is ready to go to the next level?" This question is a pretty good one for me because I do advocate women asking men the big question. I even think it is okay for women to ask men to date them. When dating feels like pre-engagement chances are you are serious about the person you are dating and it may be time to take your relationship to the next level. Catching feelings are inevitable unless you are a prostitute and still think they can connect to a repeat customer. This is one of the reasons why I don't play the friends with benefits game or just sex partners. Somebody always gets their feelings hurt at the end. High school kids and adults both thing they can control their feelings only to find out after someone is crying or eating chocolate ice cream that they were wrong.
Now to the answer of this question when should you ask somebody to marry you? Well to me the answer is not a simple list of tips. There are a few factors to consider. To make it easy I have made a Big Question Test. Answer these simple questions to figure out if it is time to make that proposal.
1. Why are you dating?
1 points. Start or continue a family.
2 points. Companionship.
3 points. Because you like them and they are hot.

2. What do you think the person you are dating is looking for?
1 points. Someone to live their lives with.
2 points. No real reason.
3 points. A safe sex partner.

3. How long have you been dating them?
1 points. No more than 3 years.
2 points. Less than a month.
3 points. 5 or more years.

4. What are the things you've done together?
1 points. Children and family outings and family events.
2 points. Dates out in public, dinner, movies and lots of one on one stuff.
3 points. Nowhere just each other's apartments and few dinner dates.

5. What is the person's dating history? Are they long term daters?
1 points. Had good experiences no red flags and they are optimistic.
2 points. Don't really know much about it.
3 points. Did something that caused their last relationship to end.

6. You have high respect for the person you are dating but not so high that it overshadows your sexual attraction them?
1 points. Doesn't just have sex with you. Talks about Politics and ask for advice on family issues.
2 points. Doesn't talk about deep stuff but talk about sports and entertainment.
3 points. Just talks about sexual and relationship stuff but no talking about work or family.

7. Worse case scenario, what could go wrong?
1 points. Nothing.
2 points. May continue dating.
3 points. You'll break up, give up on dating and be very upset.

8. Why do you get along so well?
1 points. You have been friends for years. Before you were in your last relationship.
2 points. You just click, finish each other's sentences.
3 points. Its a man woman thing. Sex is so good you can't keep hands off each other.

9. The Children factor.
1 points. They don't have any or you get along with the ones they have.
2 points. You've met their children but haven't really hung out with them.
3 points. Doesn't want to bring you around them because their children don't want them to date.

10. The friends factor.
1 points. They love you and want you around them all of the time and brings you with them to hang out with their friends.
2 points. He doesn't hang out with friends or you've only been around their friends a few times.
3 points. You clash with their friends and they don't like you.

Not here's how you score your answers to get your final answer.
10-15 safe to proceed to ask the question about advancing the relationship.
15-23 continue dating.
23-30 reevaluate your relationship or end the relationship all together.

Are you Stupid or just Single?

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Chances are you are both. Most of the 40 and older single people I've worked with have already met good people they should have dated. They join matchmaker groups just to meet someone like a person they already know. Marriage is not rocket science but some people make it harder than it really is. They set unrealistic and off point desires. Then in later years after a few divorces and some children they finally admit defeat and open up to make a change.

Here are my 7 signs that someone is a good choice to start dating.

1. You have similar activities. More than two activities in common.

2. You have respect for each other.

3. They are easy to talk to. Even when you do disagree with them.

4. You understand their problems.

5. You enjoy being around them.

6. Your lives complement each other.

7. You wouldn't have to change them they are fine the way they are.

*You are mutually attracted to each other physically. NAWH! Not needed.

I did not list being physically attracted to someone because most people don't try to date people they have something in common with they try to date people they are physically attracted to. Matter of fact a lot people let physical attraction be the only thing they use to determine the people they will date.
The signs I listed are things I feel are most often over looked by singles but I think are the areas which make strong couple's bonds so tight.
The reason why I titled the post Stupid is because that's how I felt when I reflected on my first years of dating. In my early years I didn't know what kind of person I really liked. I would approach girls that I was physically attracted to. Then I ended up dated women I was physically attracted. Only to find out after dating them awhile there was nothing else to the connection. It wasn't until after being married did I fully understand what was important for a healthy relationship. I reflected on girls I was friends with and ones I sought dates with and I began to get a better understanding of my dating stress. Now I hear people talk about the problems they have with their relationship or why they don't have a relationship and then I ask them how'd they start dating the person and it all becomes clear. Many of the things singles value in the people the date are not the best. So I hope this list helps you connect with your life partner.

The best movies of 2013.

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As I always going to the movies is my most enjoyable form of entertainment and one of my favorite dating activities. So I always like to take one blog to list of top moves of 2013.

My list of the best movies of 2013.
1. Star Trek Into Darkness
2. Iron Man 3
3. Ender's Game
4. Hunger Games Catching Fire
5. World War Z
6. Best Man Holiday
7. Thor The Dark World
8. The Man of Steal
9. Riddick
10. The Hobbit Desolation of Smaug

Now I wanted to put movies like Pacific Rim and Jack the Giant Slayer on my list but I couldn't bump any of the ones I have. Fast Furious 6 was very good but for a sequel to be great it has to really deliver like Hunger Games Catching Fire did by adding to the story. Iron Man 3 did the same thing by adding more Iron men suits. While I like 12 years a Slave and I think it replaces Roots it didn't add anything new to the traditional depicted slave story. Now if they were to show what I call the Nothrup effect and that is showing how a person who doesn't care about a cause suddenly becomes a spokesperson after they get victimized by said issue. Now that would have made 12 Years the best movie of all time. Kickass 2 was good and I won't hate. I think what happened was it got genre jacked. I am at heart a Scifi fan so other genres have to be real good to blow a Scifi film away. That said I haven't liked any other Superman movie until they added the Scifi element. 2 Guns was another good story that should have been on my list but genre jacked.

All in all I got bored with 2013 movies in September. It seemed like the year had run out of good movies. I think I saw one movie in October. WTF? All of these movies are competing for the same 10 weekends, the summer. Nobody wants an October release or early November anymore. Where are the fun horrors? I haven't liked a horror movie in a minute. Granted World War Z was a zombie movie but I wasn't really trying to scare me. I'm fine with that because I loved 28 Days later but I loved Friday the 13th also.

Okay here's my wife's list.
1. Star Trek
2. Thor
3. Best man Holiday
4. Iron man 3
5. Fast Furious 6
6. 2 Guns
7. Hunger Games Catching Fire
8. Kickass 2
9. Ender's Game
10. World War Z

My son's list is cheesy but needless to say it is what it is.

1.Ender's Game
2. Hunger Games
3. World War Z

That's our list of 2013's movies, I'd love to hear yours. coachyojeff@gmail.com Peace Yo Jeff

We need to talk, but where?

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It can be the easiest thing to do and also the most difficult thing to do but communication in a relationship is the most important thing you need to do. Something a couple's conversation is doomed to fail before they even start talking. The biggest mistake couple make is starting a conversation is a location that makes is hard to have a clear conversation. So to help people with the first step of having a conversation I have put together my list of the top five places to have a conversation.

1. In the car. This is an excellent if you are going on a long drive because you won't have any major distractions. Unless you are driving through New York City (lol). Traffic, weather and being lost are your only obstacles with this location.

2. In the bed. This place is my personal favorite. Sex is not the only thing you can do in the bed especially after a long day of work. Talking in the bed at the end of the day is a great time to reflect on the events of the day. Now if individuals have to wake up at different times then take that into consideration. This works best when couples share the same bedtime.

3. A date night. A date can be a very good place to have a serious conversation. Now don't get it twisted I'm not suggesting going to the movies or a sports bar but bowling, pool or even an amusement park can provide a background environment which make a difficult conversation easier.

4. The kitchen. This is my second favorite place because I like to cook and so does my wife. Talking while I'm cooking feels like I'm doing two things at the same time. Then a few minutes after you start talking you can sit down and eat a talk some more. Also a kitchen usually doesn't have a television and it is intimate without being so formal.

5. Family or friend gatherings. Changes are if you come to my house we will have a conversation about something are very high. Now these type of gatherings are excellent for talking about subject where a variety of perspectives are needed. Talking about things like poverty, education, dating, raising children and even religion take a different tone when you have them in a group setting. Now when you do have a group or public conversation it does depend on good people being in the conversation. People who don't know how to talk in a group can mess up a good conversation. Or the flip side for people who don't always talk in a one on one environment a group conversation may help them.

That was my top five places to have a general conversation. For break up conversations it is a lot of factors. Sometimes you need to have them in a public place like a mall or park other time you may need to do it over the phone.
About this list. This is only my list it was not sent to me by a burning bush or some other divine means. Therefore, it is subject to extreme interpretation. The important thing it is to think about where you decide to have a conversation before you have a conversation. Remember the number one cause of divorce is poor communication. So start talking.
Please feel free to email me coachyojeff@gmail.com

Player: one who plays the game; an actor; a liar; a person who tries to be like a pimp.


I remember one of my friends asked me which came first, the Player or the Golddigger? I said more than likely they began at about the same time. See a Player is a man who values his own wants and desires more than the women he is involved with. He feels he is entitled to get these women and doesn't have any concern or respect for them. Now a Golddigger is a reaction to the Player's actions by being a woman who is not going to give of herself freely. They even go as far as the Players do with disrespect by trying to get their wants and desires fulfilled without having to give of themselves emotionally or physically. But it is not just the Golddiggers and Players themselves who are the problem. It is also the people who widely accept their harmful values and often imitate them. This contributes to the negative dating cycle we are suffering from. Most men who consider themselves Players are really just wannabe-Players. Because of how the American culture is structured men are socialized to have a Player's mentality. The American society is a very chauvinistic and sexist society and many of the characteristics of Players are so common they go on unnoticed. Most men who get classified by women as Players aren't really Players. They are wannabe-Players also. I am familiar with the male mentality because I too was conditioned to think the same way here in America. Not only was I socialized in America, I have known a few Players too.

Being a Player is not easy. It takes a lot of free time and money. The hustling and lying part of a Player can not be done without a lot of concentration and careful planning. A Player has more than one woman who believes he is their only man. In some cases the woman my think the Player has other females in his life, but she believes she is his main woman. She is blinded by the attention and gifts she receives from him and allows them to comfort her. She uses the gifts to ease her suspicions and reassure her of the Player's feelings toward her. To achieve this, the Player has to be able to live double and triple lives. The Player sometimes intimidates the women he dates so much that his women may not even ask him any questions about his activities. The Player, because of his confident attitude, has women feeling privileged to date or marry him. Using gifts and lifestyle improvements, the Player is able to keep his women so satisfied that he is able to talk freely and never has to worry about being questioned.

The real problem with Players is that a lot of men want to be Players. We have the same desires that Players do. If we don't examine ourselves and our actions we could make a decision that hurts somebody. We could get caught up in the wannabe-Player club and become a full victim to these wants and desires. So to help explain how the Players and wannabe-Players think, I've broken down some of their philosophies in a dialogue between a Player, and me. I am an American socialized man and although I am not a Player, I share some of the same thoughts. I control myself from acting on these Player thoughts by recognizing that they are wrong and counter productive. I fight off Player temptation like I do any other negative temptation, like drugs, stealing, gambling and eating too much. The Player mentality consists of the following beliefs and like the Golddigger's qualities, agreeing with one of these Player's beliefs doesn't make you a Player. However, believing any of these notions may be a sign of another problem. Here are the most common beliefs of players.


1. You are a player if your only female (or people of the opposite sex or the gender you date) friends are women (people) who you have slept with or women who you would like to have sex with.

2. You think there is nothing wrong with cheating.

3. You get bored with one woman or person to date.

4. You like all types of women or people of the gender you are sexually attracted to.

5. You like having sex with a variety of women or people.

6. You constantly think another woman (people of the gender you are sexually attracted to) would be better mentally or physically, than the woman you are currently with.

7. You're not satisfied sexually by one woman or person or you are addicted to sex.

8. You crave undivided attention from the people you date.

9. You believe men or people are supposed to be with more than one woman or person?

10. You believe you are special because a lot of women or people of the gender you are sexually attracted to want to be with you.

11. You think there is nothing wrong health-wise with sleeping with more than one person whether you are dating them or not.


What I think of Players

I blame this Player mentality for a lot of our relationship problems. I am frustrated with this culture because it views many of the Player characteristics as normal male behavior. That right there is what makes me so upset. Not only do males think they can't be loyal, but women feel men can't loyal as well. In my opinion, the Player and the wannabe-Players are PUNKS and weak men who are an embarrassment to good, strong men. If we are ever going to improve our male/female relationships we are going to have to change our expectations. We have to big-up men who don't behave like Players and look down on men who do. I never cheated on any of my girlfriends and I know many men who also don't cheat but when I tell people that they don't believe me. That is probably because nowadays all you see is what I call cheating propaganda. These magazine cover stories and movies promote the normality of these Player characteristics. Essence, Jet, Glamour, Cosmopolitan and other magazines do stories about cheating men and hard to find good Black men or any man. They do these stories so much that I almost believe it myself. These articles make me feel so abnormal and when I tell people I don't cheat, they say I am different. I think to myself, I'm different? Why can't I be normal and these weak-ass cheating men be the ones who are seen as different and looked at as having problems? Why can't men get props for not cheating? Sure men get bashed for cheating and we destroy them but then at the same time we understand their actions as normal male behavior. I can't call it, but when a man says he doesn't cheat people don't believe him. I think if we're ever going to beat this Player mentality then we're going to have to give more props to the men who are committed. It's not good enough to just condemn negative behavior, we need to reward good behavior. Shoot, even if a man has five girlfriends in a year if he breaks up with one before he starts going with another that's a beginning. Lets promote men who demonstrate these characteristics and make them feel good. On the real, one of the things that used to make me feel good about my life was that I was able to do something that few men could do, and that was commit to my relationships. I look at the Reverend Jessie Jackson, President Bill Clinton and other accomplished men who weren't able to control their sexual urges and honor their commitment and say "wow, I'm pretty good". When these men of great stature and great accomplishment show the same character flaw, people accept it as a norm. Also, when ministers and entertainers have the same weakness it becomes a more of a characteristic.

So, when people ask me, "Why do we want to be Players?" I say, because our society promotes it and tolerates disrespectful behavior from men. Then there is the acceptance of apologies from people like basketball player Kobe Bryant and singer Usher. They offered the standard explanation for their Player-like acts, and they were not viewed as weak men. In fact their popularity remained in tact. I feel men in America and in the Hip Hop community will want to be "Players" because that's what's cool. As long as men see the amount of women they can sleep with as a status symbol, they will want to be Players.

Understanding the poison of pornography.

Okay its with much reservation but pleasure that I write this blog and take on this very sensitive issue. I am a firm believer that our society's over emphasis on sex is a major cause of the problems we are having with male/female relationships and marriage. When I was 25 years old I decided to try celibacy. It was during the time Magic Johnson had revealed he had contracted HIV through sexual infidelity. His announcement set a firestorm throughout the single and especially the African American community. People were reevaluating the importance of premarital sex. Sexual addiction becomes a household term. So, I was under the false assumption that sex was too important in my life and it controlled the women I dated. I felt I was on a course to not only have a child out of wedlock but if I wasn't able to control my sexual appetite I would get AIDS myself. During the three years I was celibate where I got a better understanding of what pornography was, how much pornography there is around us and what it does to us. See having gone without sex for a long time my sensitivity was much higher than it had been since I had lost my virginity. My newfound sensitivity allowed me to pick up on the amount of porn we are bombarded with everyday. The old saying that you can't see the forest for the trees was perfect analogy to describe my new found awareness. Celibacy took me out of the pornography forest and boy was I able to see the forest.

Pornography is any picture, writing or film designed to arouse sexual excitement. Pornography is not always as hardcore skin flicks and nudy magazines it can be a common as looking sexy or reading a Zane book (the author Zane) or a vampire romance novel. I remember when people just wanted to look good. Now everybody tries to look sexy. What is sexy? The dictionary defines sexy as arousing or intended to arouse sexual interest or desire. When you understand what pornography and sexy really is then you can understand why our dating couples and our married people are having so many problems with sex, sexual satisfaction and sexual commitment.

The dictionary defines poison as a chemical substance that causes injury or illness. I think when you combine the amount of sex related crimes with the nonviolent drama that is caused by sexual related issues it is not hard to see pornography as a poison. Everything has to be sexy. Cars and liquor are called sexy in TV commercials and print ads. Even our young children suffer from being exposed to porn. We made jokes about the effects of porn on young boys when I was in middle school. We called it ADIDAS which stood for All Day I Dream About Sex. In one of my April blogs I asked "how old or young should a girl before it is okay for her to dress sexy?" The problem is that there is so much porn around us we don't even notice the effects on us.

So, since there are already a lot of conservative groups protesting strip clubs and other forms of porn I decided to help people understand what effect pornography is having on them so they can start to fight the poison of pornography in themselves. These is things I feel come from what I call high porn. High porn is watching skin flicks or reading erotic literature. Low porn is watching a TV ad describing a car as sexy or sexy clothing including anything from high heels (which raise the female butt to a sexually desirable stimulating position) to wearing a push up bra. Low porn supports high porn. Low porn helps maintain sexual interest but is not a major problem in and of itself but Low porn is also a gateway to high porn which is the real problem. What makes high pornography such a problem is that most people feel it is inappropriate to talk about sex in general. They don't talk to their parents, good trusted friends or even religious figures about basic human reproduction let alone orgasisms and foreplay. So, therefore many people learn how to have sex from the books they read and movies they watch. I do not need to tell you that these movies are huge distortions. The books are fantasies where sexually deprived and sheltered authors live vicariously through their characters. In defense of these books and movies their extreme portrayal of sex is what makes them so popular. Here are five things that high pornography does to people.

1. It clouds people's judgment on what other people like to do when having sex either consciously or subconsciously.
2. It gives people false expectations and misconceptions of sexual pleasure.
3. It makes people forget about foreplay and the emotional connection of sexual intimacy.
4. Its shows sex as an activity with no emotional connection.
5. The images of size, purposeless acrobatics and duration of sex are false and misconstrued.

A note on porno movies. These are somethings people always say so its good to mention it here.
• The people in porno movies are actors for the most part. Sure there are floods of amateur videos and sex tapes. If you watch them carefully you can tell the difference.
• The people are all tested for STDs and HIV. So that's why they can have sex without condoms so easily and perform oral sex on multiple sex partners.

Pornography is all around American society, everything is "sexy" now a days and we wonder why we are so perverted. Before you argue with me and say we are not perverted you first have to define what is a normal healthy relationship with sex. One of the dictionary's definitions of pervert is one who practices a deviant form of sexual behavior. My argument is our society is so messed up we don't even know what a deviant form of sexual behavior is. Is it paying for sex? Is it selling your sex? Is it having multiple sexual partners? Is it having sex three times a day? Is it having sex toys? Is it having it to young? What is too young to have sex? Is it with the same sex? What is it?

If you have answers post them here. I'd like to know.

You are the problem!

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I am often asked when I am going to write a relationship book of my own. Now, I have a finished book which I think is hot and fits in the market place very well. In my book, The Hip Hop Dating Guide, I tried to answer relationship questions and make comments not found in other books as I do with my blog. However some subjects are so important, they become the focus of entire books. One of the subjects is change. One of the things I find I have to do with just about every client of mine is to explain to him or her that it is easier to change themselves than it is to change the world around them.
I cannot count the amount of people I hear complaining about the behavior of men or women. They say things like, "It's hard to find a good woman because they have screwed up expectations or they have been scorned by messed up men. A lot of women have issues― serious issues." Or, "Jeff, I'm just tired because all the men want is sex and all of them have commitment problems. I don't have high expectations; I just want a man who is like me. If I can go to college, then I want a man who has gone to college. I have a good job working for a corporation, so I don't want a man who works at some small-minded job. I want to be able to talk about more than just sports and entertainment."
To all of these people, I say it is not the world or the selection of single people (at least not yet) that is the problem but it is they who are the problem. There are people connecting every day, according to the CDC (Centers for Disease Control), there were over two million people married in 2011.
While reading the various books out in the relationship market, one book says everything I like to say just in the title: Get Over Yourself: How to Get Real, Get Serious, and Get Ready to Find True Love written by Patti Novak, star of the A&E series Confessions of a Matchmaker and Laura Zigman. Patti says that finding true love is not about having the right shoes or a flat stomach; it is about being ready. In her book, she breaks down how to get yourself ready to date by first understanding and fixing your own problems. She explains how to identify your problem behaviors while dating, and figure out if it is your tough girl attitude turning men off or your controlling behavior turning women off. Novak says identifying annoying and problematic behaviors is a very important step and dating trouble is not the problem; it is a symptom of other problems (Zigman and Novak, 2008). I totally agree.

To build on her premise, here are some of my suggestions for people to improve upon before their next date:

1. Accept the reality of the game. Face it, there are dishonest people who do not give mutually in relationships and have selfish agendas. Chances are, you will run across a dating predator throughout your dating years. Do not let a few knuckleheads distort your perception of other available singles. Make note of how you met them and how they behaved.

2. Learn how to communicate. No one can tell what you are feeling better than you. You must be able to express yourself and be able to critique without being offensive. High school age people's level of knowledge is regulated through tests and grade levels. Their experiences are a more comparable to each other; while the experiences and knowledge gap is much broader for older singles. Often times, older people find themselves explaining what they know or experienced so much during dates they feel like they are teaching a class. Communication is a combination of talking and listening. It is like a dance. If I could put as many people as I desire into communication classes, I would fill classes up in every state.

3. Conquer your flaws. Perfection is an achievement. Humans learn and grow their entire lives. We are not dogs we can be taught new tricks after we get old. I was 21 years-old before I went on a roller coaster. I did not learn to enjoy reading fiction novels until I was in my 30s. Living in Miami, I had to learn how to explain African-American history and behavior with more patience than I ever thought. Now, I can talk to people everywhere without getting frustrated over their limited understanding of my people's experiences. Sometimes, people who are single for long periods of time become so good at the small amount of things they do by themselves, the variety of things they know how to do is very limited. The world is very broad and unless you have been to every state and country there are still things you can learn to do and experience if you want to.

4. Bury your baggage. Learn how to use past relationships as historical lessons and do not allow them to become prejudices. I may blog about this on a separate entry. I am reminded of Beyonce's song, Irreplaceable, where one of the lines is, "I can find another you in a minute." I think that is not only stupid, but very common. Many people do just that; they break up with someone with problems and go out and find somebody else like the person they broke up with. People think of baggage as an acquired prejudice, but baggage can also be a change in your dating behavior. A break-up can cause people to change their racial preference. It can also cause people to react hesitantly and not exercise as much caution as they use to.

5. Improve your health and wellness. Your body is your temple, and the better you treat it, the more others will too. Let us be honest, eating chocolates after a break-up is not an urban folktale. A lot of people let their single status break them down and allow them to get out of shape. I say take any excuse you can to improve your health. Why not sort out your frustrations on the treadmill or doing a cleanse? It is your choice what you choose to do with your stress.

CONFIDENCE! Inside the most attractive dating quality.

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It's something that President Barack Obama has. Call it swagger. Samuel Jackson oozes it. Call it Idris Elbaness because he has tons of confidence. It's more than a walk. Bradley Cooper has it. It comes through in just his smile. You may think that Denzel Washington's confidence comes from his good looks but you don't have to look good to have it. Steve Harvey is an average looking person but his has so much confidence its borderline conceit.
Confidence is not only a male thing, it makes women attractive also. Kerry Washington is beautiful but what makes her attractive is her confidence. Some people mistake it for self-esteem but confidence is more than having a strong self-esteem. Taraji P Henson talks about how she didn't always believe in herself but once she started to other people did and she started to succeed. That's not only having a good self-esteem confidence is a look. Confidence is also an attitude. A good example is the men in the TV show Mad Men but it's not exclusive to men. A confident attitude works for women too. Oprah Winfrey has it. Wendy Williams talks about how her breast gave her confidence because it made her like herself more. Sure a lot of women get their confidence from their physical appearance. This is because of the high value society places on appearance.
However, appearance alone is not the same as confidence. Some women believe they look good but they don't have confidence. These women wear make-up when they don't need it. They try too hard to look good. In reality everybody doesn't look attractive. Most people look average. We can work out in the gym forever and we will only look but so good. Confidence is different. A good example of a confident attitude is Rosario Dawson. She has a confident attitude in just about every movie she is in. In the movie Rundown she plays a South America jungle mining worker. She wears dirty clothes which are far from sexy but her confident attitude makes her very attractive. Confidence is the difference between a pretty women with class like news anchor Melissa Harris Perry and a voluptuous street walking prostitute. It's what separates Sarah Jessica Parker's Sex in the City character Samantha Jones from the pretty girl Marnie, Allison Williams plays in the HBO show Girls.
Anyone can have confidence. It's something that speakers like Tony Robbins have it. Comedians need confidence to go on stage and share their thoughts with audiences. In fact almost all performers have confidence. Some performers like Jamie Foxx and Kanye West have so much stage confidence it spills into their off stage lives. Not only do stage performers have confidence many successful people have it. Take the advertising executive and television personality Donny Deutsch it's easy to tell his confidence comes from his success. He's always mentioning his position as a CEO like it separates him from regular people. Contrary to popular belief confidence does not only come from success and attractiveness but it can also come from other places.
Confidence is important for good daters to have. Confident people are happy people. Happy people smile and share of themselves easily because they are proud of themselves. People smile when they are happy and smiling is the most attractive physical quality a person can have. When people build up their confidence smiling will come natural.

Here are my tips on how to build confidence.

1. Be prepared to talk about a subject you have knowledge about and something other people will enjoy talking about.
2. Master yourself. Be an expert on YOU.
3. Know what you know better than the average person.
4. Go to places where what you know is valued.
5. Learn something or achieve something new.

 Be proud of yourself and your accomplishments. Nobody knows everything and everybody knows something. Remember the more you like yourself the more other people will to.

Once you are confident, then you need to appear confident by acting confident.

• Be decisive. Make decisions when you need to.
• Be fresh and clean. Having bad breath or body odor can take away the most confident person's confidence.
• Be ready to meet someone every day. This will change your behavior permanently.
• Be ready to talk to someone anytime. This way you won't get caught off guard.
• Make meeting people a habit. This will help you become a natural. Meeting people should not be something that always has to be forced. Sure it is in the beginning but it will become easy over time.
• Make meeting people an activity you enjoy. Have fun and don't put pressure on yourself to get a phone number from every person you meet. Appreciate the information you learn from the people you talk to. Learn to like people and enjoy their company.
• Try to meet people everywhere so you can approach new places with excitement and not discomfort.
• Speak authoritatively but not condescending. Don't talk like Donald Trump or a computer geek.
• Smile. Smile as often as you can but do smile all of the time. Practice your smiling in the mirror. Take a picture of yourself when you are naturally happy and confident so you know what you look like.
• Move with certainty. Bosses and supervisors have confident walks. Barack Obama and Denzel Washington have very confident walks practice walking like them. Young girls learn to walk in middle school so don't be ashamed to have to learn this skill.

Here are two exercises you can do to give your confidence an extra boost.
1. Try to sell somebody something. Salesmen have to be very confident.
2. Practice talking to large groups this will improve your social confidence.

You might also want to pick up a book or take a public speaking class.

Once you get your confidence levels up you will feel like a Jedi doing a mind trick on people. As with all blessings be humble. Don't use the attention you get to abuse people.

Your comments and road stories are always welcome. coachyojeff@gmail.com

How to learn how to have SEX.

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I often advise people that learning how to be really good at sex is very helpful with dating. Having the ability to blow your partner's mind builds confidence. This can help stop guys who get overly excited when they find a willing sex partner. You know these are the guys who rush to have sex as soon as they get sexual interest from a girl. Like, after they finished their first date they push to have sex that night. Then the sex is wack. It's wack because it is the simple "mutual masturbation" type sex where one the man is satisfied. The sad thing is that most women are used to this "you get yours because I got mine" sex and not being fully satisfied during sex. That's why feel it is just as important for women as it is for men to learn how to have sex. Women need to learn their bodies so they can show their partners how to please them or chose partners who already know how.
I love to hate on porno movies. I think they are terrible for most people because they show a one sided male chauvinistic, self-aggrandizing style of sex. However porno movies are where a lot of people learn how to have sex. Some people learn from their siblings but learning from your older sister or brother is not good either because older siblings don't know what they're doing either. Sex is something you have to be taught. That's why the fictional character Christian Grey in the 50 Shades of Grey novels and the real life writer AKA Iceberg Slim were so impactful on the women in their lives. Iceberg Slim was so good at sex he got women to sell their sex and give him the money. Yes he was a Pimp and that is not legal or cool. In his book PIMP he tells stories about how he laid his sexual skills down so well he was able to influence and turn a young girl into a sex worker. Christian Grey was an S&M dominate. He used his sex skills to get women to allow him to beat them and obey him. That is also not cool. I use those extreme examples to show the power of knowing how to have sex. Both of these guys were victims of child molestation. They were both raped by older women who showed them how to have sex. I'm not suggesting people need to be raped by older women, what I am saying is that they both learned how to have woman pleasing sex. This type of knowledge is not exclusive to rape or having sex with an older women. There are 3 very simple ways to learn how to have sex or to understand what pleases a woman during sex. Here are the three ways you can learn how to have mind blowing sex.

1. Read a Kama Sutra Book. Kama Sutra is the oldest teachings on the act of human sex. It is a pure and very deep explanation of sex. Learning about the philosophy and purpose of sex from a Kama Sutra book is a way to learn without the subtle perversion of modern sexuality books. The Kama Sutra is an old book and because its old it gives the act of sex some history. It is a book that connects sex to spirituality that modern sex education books are devoid of.

While the Kama Sutra teachings are old most people don't think of them as a way to learn how to have sex. When people hear Kama Sutra they think of a collection of sexual positions but Kama Sutra is much more than that. Kama Sutra is the ancient Indian philosophy of human sexual behavior edited by the Indian scholar Mallinaga Vatsyayana over 1500 years ago. Mallinaga composed the Kama Sutra to help teach men how to have a happy marriage. Kama Sutra is the oldest book on sex. In it the Tantric sex positions are explained. The western world pulled out the Tantric positions and talks about them separate from the full process.
Before I read a Kama Sutra book I had been asking people what the purpose of sex was in my workshop. Most people didn't know. They would just say reproduction. I then developed the 3Rs of sex to teach people what I thought the many uses of sex were. They are recreation, reproduction and rejuvenation. These are the same uses talked about in the Kama Sutra.
Kama Sutra Is a four day process created to allow the spirit energy of the male and female to bond. The bonding of the two energies will cause them to reach a height of ecstasy only achieved through sex. This ecstasy boosts the energy of both the male and female. This understanding of the act of sex is much broader than just to reproduce. Sex should be fun. We should enjoy having it with the person we are in a relationship with. The Indian culture has what they call Kama Sutra practitioners who were able to use sex to cure diseases. One ailment we could all learn to use sex to treat is depression.

2. Go to a sex toy store or attend a passion party. Passion Parties are the new crave. They are the evolution of the sex toy parties of the 90s. What has changed with the passion party is that they are not just sex toys. Even sex toys are not exactly sex toys.
Sex toys are everything from simple dildo (male penis replacements) to hand cuffs and other bondage equipment. Most passion parties are filled with ladies who want to spice up the sex in their relationships. They are not just freaks. Sex toys stores or Adult video stores carry everything and are for the full out perverted freaks. One of my friends hosts passion parties and explained to me that she sells mostly dildos and oils and some feathers. She said that a lot of couples just don't understand how to be mutually sharing and that many women don't fully understand their bodies. Her passion parties are more like sex education and one sided couples therapy.
This past year my wife and I went to an erotic sex expo on South Beach. Woah! It cost $65 per person. It was like a big Adult video store. It had big exhibits and lots of displays. One booth had real models in a gynecologist chair demonstrating a new dildo. That was crazy. We went to another booth which had little vibrating dildos. The salesman in the booth explained the design of the dildo. He explained how the dildo simulates the female. It was such an informative sales pitch that I learned a little more about the female anatomy.
The way the salesman explained the dildo was much different than what I learned in health class or from an instructional video. I think both women and men could learn some needed things about sex and satisfying a female from going to a sex toy store or a passion party.

3. Take a Tantric Sex Class. Tantric sex classes are the classes you might see on HBO's Real Sex. They are where people teach each other how to have fulfilling sex. I asked one of my friends who teaches a Tantric Sex class was there any other kind of sex? He said that most couples have simple sex. In his classes he shows people how to tap into their sexual energy. This is very much like the deep use of sex talked about in the Kama Sutra book. I asked him what was the average age of the couples who attended his classes and he said "30 and up." I then asked him what age should people start taking a Tantric Sex class? He didn't know. Since my conversation with him I attended a program for teenage parents which helped me think of my answer. I believe Tantric Sex classes are an excellent way for people to learn how to have sex. People will learn how to have sex first hand. They will be supervised and monitored. I know it sounds crazy. Hell I thought these classes were just for freaky couples or swingers but after I thought about all that has come for our ignorance of sex, Tantric Sex class seems to be the perfect solution. I think once children become sexually active they should take a Tantric sex class. If the classes are good for adults then they are also good for new sexually active people.


While I wrote these tips for individuals who want to learn how to have sex it is better for parents who find it uncomfortable to talk about sex. I think it would be cool to read a Kama Sutra book with your child after you have read it first. Even going to a sex toy store might be possible. But I think everyone will draw the line at taking a Tantric Sex class with your child. I think if anything a parent could tell their children about a Tantric Sex class.
Sex is a very important skill for everyone to learn as I've said earlier. Sex is also something people don't talk about. Most religions don't touch the subject and the ones that do only say it should happen after marriage. It's not like after you get married you instantly learn about the female body and can convert you years of "learning on you own sex" into "tantric sex ecstasy".

As always I have not seen a list like this and I know I am outside of the box. Please give me your feedback. Email me at coachyojeff@gmail.com

Hip Hop Dating Codes revealed. A cultural Remix.

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People always asked me what do I mean when I say Hip Hop Dating? They think I'm going to say on the first date you go breakdancing, then you do graffiti on the second night and when you really like the person you write a rap song together. That's funny but Hip Hop Dating has a much greater purpose than that. Hip Hop Dating is a mixture of cultures and religious dating systems. Just as the Hip Hop subculture mixes music from around the world Hip Hop's dating system does the same. I developed this Hip Hop Dating style in response to the failings of the existing dating systems. The world has changed so much since the marriage processes of the major religions and cultures around the world were created. These dating and marriage processes worked fine for centuries but now modern countries like America suffer from a 42 percent divorce rate. Out dated rituals like paying the father of the female and maintaining virginity until the wedding night are very difficult and almost unrealistic in this perverted high economic society. The people of today need a dating system that speaks to the overly sexual clothing, abundance of sexually transmitted diseases and the mixture of cultures of the world in 21st century. The Hip Hop Dating style utilizes the wisdom of the past to offer something effective for the modern world. So to better illustrate what I'm talking about I have broken down the core of Hip Hop Dating the Hip Hop Dating Codes to its cultural and religious influences. Just as records have to list all of the songs they sample I will list all of the cultural practices I've sampled. The purpose of the Hip Hop Dating Codes was to show people how to be Good Daters and learn how to date without picking up negative behaviors or hurting the people they date.

1. I will only date one person at one time.
Influence: This is taken from The Nile Valley culture of Egypt. In the Kemetic system couples seeking marriage date each other for one calendar year before they join in a marriage. This process is referred to as a Hapi Dance. Named for the God Hapi, God of the Nile river and God of marriage. This will allow couple to see how they connect under all four of the seasons so when they get married they will be as fluid as water.

2. I will not be physically intimate on the first date.
Influence: This is from Indian with the spirit of African culture. The Karma Sutra process is the oldest sexual relationship process in the world. It is a four day process. The first three days is spent talking. Touching doesn't start until the third night. Most people only know the Tantric sex positions but not the full process. Waiting to have sex it an important tool in protection from STDs. In Africa the teaching of sex within a relationship is being used to fight the spread of HIV. In America most people entrust all of the safety into condoms. When people use smart dating practices like getting to know the person they'd like to have sex with it helps protects them from disrespectful people who would pass them a STD.

3. I will declare my relationship before becoming physically intimate.
Influence: This is taken from American Christianity. The Christian dating system is called Courtship. One of the main characteristics of Courtship is announcing the relationship to the parents. Before the couple meets the parents they first have to agree to a dating relationship. This different than other cultures which require the male asks the female's father for permission to date his daughter in the American Christian system the two individuals start their relationship themselves first. Defining a relationship helps neutralizes any confusion in whether the sexual act marks the beginning of a relationship or not. People should know whether they are dating or just sex buddies before they have sex because condoms only protect against disease and pregnancy not feelings.

4. I will use birth control until married
Influence: This is from the American culture. Even though Planned Parenthood started in 1916 it wasn't until their merger with the American Birth Control League in 1942 that pushed the social conversation to the use of condoms as a tool of good sexual health. After the HIV outbreak of the late 80s the use of condoms as a tool for the protection from STDs overshadowed their use as birth control. Some couples stop using condoms once they feel their partners don't have a STD. However, it is in important for people to remember the importance of birth control even when the fear of disease transfer has been eliminated.

5. I will understand that Oral Sex is Sex.
Influence: This is taken from the Indian culture. Back to the organizers of modern sex the Karma Sutra practitioners. Within the Karma Sutra sex activity is the role of oral sex as an sexual activity. Over time American culture has gone back and forth on the role of oral sex in the total sexual activity. The oral sex confusion was heightened by the incident of Bill Clinton and Monica Lowenski. President Clinton argued that the oral sex he had was not sex. According to the Karma Sutra text oral sex is a sexual activity. This is important for people to understand because while oral sex is not a sexual activity that can get a person pregnant it still allows for the feeling and emotions of vaginal sex to be transmitted. When people use oral sex as an alternative to vaginal sex and not considering it a sexual activity they are a greater risks for STDs. In addition to the risk of disease people who don't use oral sex as a sexual activity risks emotional connections with people they may not have a relationship with.

6. I will not be physically intimate with another person while in a relationship.
Influence: This is taken from basic Christianity and Judaism. It's one of the most popular Ten Commandments. It's so popular that people who are not Christian or Jewish adhere to it. I'm talking about the tenth commandment "Thou shalt not covet your neighbor's wife." Even though the seventh commandment says "Thou shalt not commit adultery" it must have been extra important to cover the same thing twice. No matter how many times it is said it is solid dating advice. Don't Cheat. I felt it was important for people to practice monogamy while dating. It has been my experience that people who commit adultery didn't start cheating after they got married. They cheated on their girlfriends and boyfriends. So if you want to be a good husband or wife practice being a good boyfriend and girlfriend.

7. I will not be physically intimate with someone who is in a relationship.
Influence: This is from the African America subculture. This is not written anywhere it is a general code of the street. Don't talk to someone else's girlfriend or boyfriend is a lifesaving lesson taught in grade school. The name Jezebel comes to mind taken from the Hebrew princess of North Israel who used her sexual lure to maintain power. That may have helped her control the throne but keeping your paws away from people who are involved with other people doesn't save you from sexual assault or protect you from an STD it can save your life. Being the other man or side chick can get your killed or severely injured. So, it's a good habit for every single person to adhere to this street code and only date single people.

8. I will not choose to date based solely on appearance.
Influence: This is from Asian and Buddhist belief. Islam is the religion that people think of when it comes to covering women but while the Quran instructs women to cover themselves from head to toe it is not the only religion or culture to do that. In the Quran the rule can also be found in 24:31. Here God commands women not to reveal their beauty spots except what is normally apparent (face, hair, lower arms and lower legs .. etc). That may sound harsh but Jewish women cover and we all know Christian Nuns cover themselves. Even though these customs are extremely unrealistic for a mainstream dating system the idea of not allowing physical appearance to cloud other human attractions is a good thing. Today's society places to high of emphasis on appearance. I don't think covering women is the answer for the simple fact they only instruct women to cover themselves. In America men and women are able to select their mates so if men are able to show their abs, arms and other beauty parts women's selections will be tainted by physical looks.
The Asian culture with its Buddhist practices got my attention because the parents introduce people to their children for them to date. They choose the dates by their personal characteristics. Its not quite an arranged marriage because the children have the option to marry the person or ask for another date. I always like when parents have a role in the selection process however everyone doesn't have parents that can choose for them. In this modern world people will not let their parents choose dates for them mostly because they want a date who meets their physical desires. So I took out the personal characteristic selection component and emphasized the importance of not choosing based on physical characteristics.

9. I will not seduce anyone into being physically intimate against his or her will:

Influence: This is from Islam. Well not literally taken from the Quran but more so inspired by the practices of Muslims based on the teachings of the Quran. I could not find a religion or culture that offered a specific rule about seduction. What used to be romancing and wooing a potential lover has now gone overboard. While seduction is not rape it is counterproductive to the development of a healthy relationship. Most rape victims know their assailants as a friend or casual acquaintance and maybe victims of date rape. Some religions do speak against rape but I don't gather it is the date rape kind of rape which is so common now. There are even drugs like "date rape drug" designed to make someone sexually aroused. Seduction is popular now but too much seduction is rape. Islam actually has rules for men about rape but nothing about females raping men. This verse from the Quran speaks to male rape of women. Sûrah an Nâs 4.119 'O you who believe! You are forbidden to inherit women against their will...'
Like with Bible verses some religions offer rules for men that should be for women also. Like this rule from the Quran which guides men to respect the will of women with drugs like Viagra it is also important for women to mind the will of men. Seducing someone is deception and it really doesn't allow the person the ability to show their true feelings. When the façade wears off it puts the relationship in jeopardy. For relationship to be strong enough to last time they need to start with honesty.

10. I will decide for myself when I want to become physically intimate and not let anybody else make that decision for me:
Influence: This is taken the Native American. One of the things that upset many of the early Christian missionaries was the fact that Indian women were allowed to express their sexuality and to choose their own sexual partners. While sex was a part of traditional Native American marriage, marriage was not about sex. Now I don't suggest we separate sex from marriage I do think it is good for women to take control of their own sexuality and do as men do and decide for themselves when they would like to have sex. I think it is a good behavior for everyone to adopt.

The Hip Hop dating Codes are the core of my Hip Hop Dating advice. This was created in the spirit of a old school Hip Hop DJ who for the lack of a beat machine and musical instruments practiced the art of digging through crates. This was when DJs went to old record stores and Salvation Army spots to find records with good beats and instrumentals to mix them together to make a night of Hip Hop dancing. I simply did the same thing with the existing religions and cultures around the world.

As always your feedback is requested. coachyojeff@gmail.com



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