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5 Simple Tips for Women on Picking Up Men

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In response to the changing world of dating I offer some tips to women that would have been controversial in the 90s but are needed now. Due to the advancements and accomplishments of women, more women find themselves taking on the role of the shot callers in relationships and more able to support themselves without the help of a man. This new group of women often find themselves single in their 30s and 40s. Contrary to popular belief these women are not single because there are more men than women because statistics now show that there have always been more men than women. These women are single because their increased independence has changed the men they are attracted to. Its as simple as this, if you are driving a Mercedes someone driving a Honda is not that impressive. So not to fight with women over the qualities which attract them to men (which I did in another blog check Shallownesses) I will help these women learn to do what accomplished men have to do which meet people. Accomplished people often pass through their 20s without finding a partner mostly because they are focused on achieving their goals. I get it, I wouldn't advice it but I get it. I think the best time to find a life partner is in your 20s or early 30s. Anyway, single women in their 30s and 40s complain a lot about the quality of men they meet and how few men actually approach them. They usually get approached by married men who just want sex or an unemployed guy. If they meet anyone it is usually a young guy in his 20s and they find that he is not at the stage in life they are so its not a match. The solution to this problem is simple, they have to start approaching the men they are attracted to. So, to make it easier I have 5 tips to assist women in this process. These are tips for meeting people in person but they can also be used for social media connections.

1. Think about WHERE the man is before you approach him. In my book The Hip Hop Dating Guide I have a concept called "The Venue Menu." This concept calls people's attention to the fact that people go to places based on what is going on at the place. Using the Venue Menu concept as a guide. If you like doing things outside you should look for a man at outdoor events. When you are going to approach someone you can get an idea of what they like and what kind of person they are by where they are when you approach them. Also, you can do yourself a favor and improve you connection ratio by using this Venue Menu concept by going to places which have the values of things you like to do. That will improve the chances you have of meeting someone who likes what you like and have common interests. I caution women (as I do men) from going to a club or a bar no matter how much they like dancing or drinking to look for someone to date. There are filled with raging hormones or drug distorted behaviors.

2. Think about what you want to say to him. It's okay to buy a man a drink. Ladies as much as bad pick-up lines turn you off, chances you were picked up using a good pick up line are very high. I don't call the things you first say to people pick up lines I call them openers. Opening lines are good when they lead to a conversation and something substantive. I know you are used to men buying you a drink as a way to meet you and you might feel that if you do it you may lose your power as a woman or something. I disagree with that belief. Just because you buy a man a drink or invite him out for dinner where you pay for it does not mean you will have to pay for everything in the relationship and the man won't still wine and dine you. In fact on the contraire you might just be upping the quality of the courting. I think it is an excellent idea for women to buy a man they are interested in a drink. One thing to be cautious of is the sexual energy and vibes you give across when you do approach a man you like.

3. Chivalry isn't dead. Most men still like to lead the way and at least would like to share in the relationship decisions. Paying for dates and deciding on the activities of the dates are things you will have to share earlier in the dating period than if the man had approached you. Women approaching men can be an imbalance of power so to shift the power brings it back to center the woman has to make a noticeable effort to share the decisions. That means saying things like "So, what do you have in mind for us this weekend?" Whatever you say there may still be some awkwardness because men are used to initiating the dating activities.

4. Easy on the sex. Many and maybe most of a woman's male friends might be interested in having sex with them so they have to make sure that all their dates don't end with sex. As with all dates but especially men whom the woman were friends with prior the woman has to figure out if the man likes them more than just a sexual partner. When women are the initiators of a relationship with serious intent they have to give the man a chance to respond to their more than just sex proposal. They have to coordinate dating activities which allow for their deep more substantive characteristics to showcase. Avoid romantic evenings early on not matter how strong the sexual attraction is.

5. Use it ALL. Lastly, every other dating tip and piece of advice given to single people using dating to find their partner still applies. Just because the woman is approaching the man it doesn't mean the man may not be a player or another dating predator. I use three tools of my own to help people. The Hip Hop dating Codes are the basics of good dating. It mentions things like balancing your attractions and not placing too much emphasis on physical appearance. My Playa Hata list protects daters from people who seek to take advantage of well-intentioned singles. The Playa Hater list has things like making sure the person you are dating tells people about your relationship. Dating on the down low is a risky practice for people. And last but not least the Dating Contract. I created the Dating Contract to highlight the good tenants of a relationship. Communication, respect and pride are the elements of what are emphasized in my Dating Contract. All of these lists are found in my book The Hip Hop Dating Guide available on Amazon.

I encourage every women to empower themselves with learning the ability to meet and approach the men they like. I hope my list of tips helps that process.

Everyone knows what shallow characteristics are but I feel calling physical appearance a shallow characteristic is a misnomer. Shallow implies lower or less important and I don't want people to think physical appearance isn't important in choosing a mate or less important than a sense of humor. I prefer the terms internal and external characteristics. Looking at a person's characteristics separately where you look at what's on the outside verses what's they have on the inside allows for a single person to have value for each of these types of important characteristics.
One of the biggest problems in choosing a mate is the higher value people place on the external characteristics of the people they seek to date. Furthermore I think it is the focusing on characteristics like physical appearance and the type of car the person drives or how much money the person has, causes people to enter into relationships and marry people they don't have a deep connection with. External characteristics are not permanent. People looks change. God may have blessed someone with a beautiful body but age and a lifestyle without exercise will change it. Having a lot of money is an external characteristic that is a big confuser. People date people they don't even like because of the lifestyle they will live being in a relationship with a person who has a lot of money. Women more than men may date or go on trips with men they don't like just to go away somewhere nice and they think these activities don't have an impact on the type of men they meet. Quite the contrary I believe that these are the dating activities that keep people from finding a fun, happy, strong relationship.
So, to help people deal with the surge of shallow values I have compiled a list of tips to help them balance the external characteristics with the internal characteristics.

1. They type of dates you go on. Going on substantive dating activities is one the best ways for a person to get past focusing too much on exterior characteristics. Going to dates in places like art exhibits or cultural programs instead of expensive restaurants allow you to focus more on the opinions each person has about deep moral things.
2. Where you look for or meet dates. You should exercise extreme prejudice when looking for the internal qualities in a person. The first thing you can prejudice is the things they do and the places they go based on their internal values. People mostly do things they like to do. So if you go to places where people who have the values you have and then start to look for people who you are externally attracted you have balanced the two characteristics. You need to explore your own internal values and do things that extend from your own moral and intellect.
3. How you put yourself out there. Showcase your internals. When people think about going out to meet someone they generally think about how they will look. They do their make up, they choose clothes which make them look good. When you only focus on your exteriors the main thing people will see about you are your exteriors. Why not think about the jewelry or what you're your t-shirt will say. Try not to look too sexy in places where other people aren't. In addition to thinking about how you look thinking about where you go is also important. Even if you don't feel comfortable looking for a date and you prefer to have someone approach you go to substantive places.
4. Adjust your own values. Substance attracts substance. So maybe you are really just a party person who likes to drink at bars and dance at night clubs. Maybe all you like to do is get high and have fun. Well, wake up. Everybody has a job. You have to do something to support yourself. Nobody is totally shallow or devoid of morals. If you want to find someone who is more than just good looks and lots of money then you have to become more than good looks and having lots of money. Search your soul and find what you value and what you like that is meaningful in the world. A good way to find your values is to think about the world around us. The problems of the world and the country you live in. Think about the future. Improve your spirituality. Take a class on art. Going to yoga classes for example are not substantive enough. Yoga classes attract shallow people just like the gyms do. You gotta go deeper like a natural health class.
5. Talk to old happy couples. Especially the mismatch couples where the man and woman don't look like they should be together. Multiracial couples are usually good couple to ask about their relationship. Talking to a couple who has been together for a while usually has a strong time test relationship. When you talk to them ask them about the things they like about each other. Ask them about the things they do together. Old couples where they are both older than 60 have passed the looks and money phase in their lives and more than likely now understand the value of the internal qualities in a person. Only internal qualities hold couples together. Most single people don't understand the value of internal characteristics therefore seeing the end stages of relationships sometimes puts a life partner's characteristics into perspective.
Special note to all of my REALLY nice looking ladies who had more men than they could handle I wrote this mostly for you. You've probably benefited the most from people placing too much attention on appearance and you may have grown accustomed to it. If you want to get past placing a high value on exteriors then you have to attack the element. You can't just want it to happen. You are probably still attracting shallow men who just see your body. You may also see all men as body lovers or dogs yourself. You have to push yourself to go out and meet men. Meet all types of men and talk to them. That's the only way to combat your over emphases on exterior characteristics. Some women have so many curves that no matter what they wear their body will show. You have to combat unbalanced priority or you may never get past the superficials and end up in a shallow relationship or no relationship at all.

10 Dates To Your Soul Mate

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In order to meet your Soul Mate you have to let your Soul Date. What kind of mate does your Soul want? What kind of Soul does your Soul like? I hear people always asking each other do they believe in Soul Mates? They even ask me do you believe in there being one person whom each of us is destined to meet, like in the movies?
When they ask me that question I ask them a question. I ask them what is a soul mate? What type of person would your soul date? Where do people meet their soul mates? Answers to those questions don't come back too quickly. They usually provoke thought and lead to a conversation. The fact is most people don't know what they want in a date and when they have an idea they have a list of unrealistic, shallow things. The criteria people have on their lists don't help them find a soul mate in fact many people's lists make it harder for them to find their soul mates.
I believe a soul mate relationship or what people believe is a soul mate relationship is just a good relationship with people who are very compatible. Couples who don't argue are often considered soul mates but even with them I believe they are products of good dating. I believe that many people don't allow their souls to contribute to their screening processes. So to help people think of some of the things their souls would like in a person I have compiled a list of ten behaviors that would make my soul happy. Maybe they will make your soul happy as well.

1. Admiration. Souls thrive off of admiration. Admiration is a beautiful manifestation of love. When you are admired by people they tell other people about your qualities and the things that you do.
2. Respect. Souls want to be respected. Respect is displayed and not something you can just say. Respect is when your partner wants your partner to ask your answer for an important question because he values your take on different subjects. Someone who feels what you are saying is important is someone who respects you.
3. Kindness. When something nice is done to you it makes your soul feel good. I want someone who will do nice things for me. Things which display kindness are not the big gifts but the mean something to you.
4. Consideration. My soul loves when the person I am in a relationship changes their schedule to accommodate me. My soul loves when the person I'm dating thinks about how I will feel before they do or say something. My soul cannot take a person who does and says whatever they want without thinking about me beforehand.
5. Thoughtfulness. My soul loves when the person I am dating remembers small details about me. This is the dating quality that is just what the it says it is. My soul wants someone who will include me in their activities and remembers things about me and my life.
6. Praise. My soul wants for me to be with someone who complements me after I achieved something. Someone who thinks highly of me and tells me that. My soul wants someone who encourages me and pushes me forward. Making me do bigger and better things.
7. Joy. If there is one thing my soul loves it is to be happy. I love smiling and laughing. My soul wants me to bring someone into my life that makes me feel happy and not someone who makes me sad or upset.
8. Pleasure. This is more than just making me happy this is the feeling that only comes from an intimate type of activity. The pleasure my souls requires comes from carefree love making where its not a wham bam thank you maam type of thing. Soul pleasing love making is everything all at once. Patient, passionate and satisfying.
9. Peace. I like to say peace rather than protection. I like to say peace rather than protection. The peace my soul wants doesn't come from physical protection it comes from calmness. Some people find someone who provides them with physical protection and still don't get peace because the person they have protecting them threatens their safety as well. Peace is serenity. It is the absence of worry and frustrations. When you are in a relationship with peace you can sleep without thinking about the stability of your relationship.
10. Comfort. My soul wants to be comfortable. My soul wants to someone who will be able to be satisfied. Having comfort doesn't mean you don't have goals or ambitions, it is the feeling that you can live with what you have, What you have is good enough.

Now, ask your soul where can you find someone with these qualities? And listen to your soul when it tells you that a person with these qualities can be found anywhere.
Ask your soul what kind of job will this type of person have? Could they work at McDonalds or another fast food spot, Walmart, the sanitation department or the cable company, what about the post office, UPS, Parks and Recreation? Are they a mechanic or do they work in retail, hospitality, Food service, how about landscaping or child care?
Ask your soul what this ideal soul mate will look like? Do you think your soul will have only tall guys or big booty women on their list? Will this soul mate make six figures or will they be comfortable in their mid level position? Will they drive a fancy car with all the modern features or will they drive a ten year old car? Will they be wearing expensive clothes and dressed like a baller?
Ask yourself what type of person you are looking for again. Ask yourself do you look for these characteristics when you are dating?

The Ten Dates YOU need to go on before you say 'I DO!'

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Dating is your chance to test drive the person you may marry. You need to see how your compatibility holds up under all circumstances and as many experiences as you can. Within the variety dates you go on with the person you are dating there should be a strategic variety. Your dates should take place during the day and night. They should be active and stationary. They should be high budget and low budget. Divorce is definitely something that can be prevented. Smart dating can lay the foundation that help protect you from the five main causes of divorce in America. According to The American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers the top cause of divorce is poor communication. The Second cause is financial problems, then a lack of commitment to the marriage. The fourth cause is dramatic changes in life priorities and lastly, infidelity. Here are the dates I think you should have and what you can survey all of the main areas needed for a strong healthy relationship.

1. The Parents date. It is always important to introduce the person you are dating to your family and specifically your parents. Depending on your relationship with your parents the earlier the better. Waiting too late to introduce these important people can decrease the power that this meeting should have. If you wait too late whatever suggestion your parents may have had may not make a difference because you are invested in the relationship too much. Your date should also introduce you to their parents. Just as your parents know things about your dating history the parents of the person you are dating's parent know things about their dating history. I know its hard to bring every person you date to meet your parents but information you can faind out from the meeting is invaluable.
2. The Friends and Family date. Hanging out with your friends and family with your date are always important things to do. Your friends can see the person you are dating in a different way then you can. Family is also a good judge of character. Many times you are friends with people you wouldn't date but you may have a few cousins who are just like the person you are dating and they provide a unique perspective on the people you date. It is not only important for you to introduce your date to your family and friends it is also important for you to meet your dates family and friends.
3. The Honeymoon Date. Having a full out planned date which includes sexual activity is not only fun and a treat it also gives you a chance to see how you plan things together as a couple. Not every couple to go on expensive dates together. Many times they go to concerts and to restaurants but a real planned out vacation honeymoon type is something players or Sugar Daddies do. A full out special occasion type of date doesn't have to wait until your honeymoon. Plus having a focused day or weekend for only the two of you is magical and can allow you to go all Karma Sutra on each other. Couples who are both virgins and wish to stay that way until they get married should avoid this dating activity.
4. The Creative date. A creative date is one where you do something that exploits your creative side. Think of the dating shows MTV used to have where they would set a couple up on a first date where they would take to an art class, culinary class or even a dance class. Well there is a lot to learn from your partner on those types of dates.
5. The Planned date. A planned date is a date you simply make an appointment for. This is probably the most popular form of date. You plan to meet each other at a certain place at a certain time and you meet up. Even though it is very common some couples fail to have them. They see each other so often and hardly make plans. There always available for each other so there's no need to make a plan. However a date that is planned is a bit of prioritizing and commitment and those are good characteristics to have.
6. The couples date. Going on a date with another couple is a good date to go on. You can check for a lot of behavioral characteristics in your date. You can see how you function as a couple. You can see how you talk together. Do you support each other? Do you allow each other to disagree? Or do you argue? Or cut each other off when you are trying to make a point? All of these important things and a more from going on a date with another couple.
7. The last minute date. Deciding to go on a spontaneous date is probably something all dating couples do already. However, what's important to do while going on a last minute date is to study the behavior of the person you're dating during the date. Last minute arrangements in general can be nerve racking. These are the dates that test your patience and stress. Knowing how your potential partner behaves under stress is a vital aspect to know.
8. The Intellectual date. Getting married is at best a merger between two cultures and two different sets of morals. Going on a date that forces you to confront the issues of the world is good whether you are going with somebody or even just by yourself. These dates include activities lectures, museums, coffee shops in a bookstore or a charity fundraiser. These are activities which may be difficult for a shallow or apathetic person. A person who think and values the world around them is a person who can value for a relationship and an intellectual date.
9. Political date. A political date is only important because learning your date's political opinion is important. This is tricky because disagreeing over a political issue can be a deal breaker early in a relationship. The sad thing is as important as politics is not everybody has a political opinion. Talking about politics is also a good lead into a conversation about the future and goals.
10. The Religious date. Religion is considered a taboo subject however it is actually one of the most important dating activities for everyone whether they are religious or not. Dates which involve a religious element allow people to express their moral commitment. For people who are not real religious, maybe they don't go to church but they still believe in God a religious date gives them a chance to see what they can expect from the person they are dating if they take their relationship to the next level. Religious dates don't always have to be going to Sunday service because the object for this date not observation but discussion and during worship services participants do mostly listening. Religious dates are better served by going to religious activity like a charity event, a picnic or a church hosted cultural or political program.

My top Movies of the Year 2014

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Okay here it is with much pain and agony I present my top ten movies of 2014. I do this because I feel movie dates are still the best type of dates to go on. That said 2014 by volume may have been the best year for movie dates because there were just so many good movies to see. On my list I have my top 10 but my honorable mentions are just as good as my top ten. However, there were a lot of good movies 2014 didn't many GREAT movies. Many my top 4 are great but that is a low great. And my 5-10 where low okay. 2014 had more repeated brands than I ever remembering one year having. There were remakes and sequels hardly any room for an original film story. Don't get me wrong remakes and sequels can be great films. I think of the Fugitive as a great remake or the Rise of the Planet of the Apes, which followed a bad remake. I think the Lords of the Rings was an excellent series. Each of the sequels was just as good as the original. I think the Terminator had good sequels. So, I'm not knocking a movie because it's a sequel or a remake. I do feel that sequels and remakes have to have their own stories and fresh ideas. I think that's why some of 2014's remakes and sequels didn't hit the ball out of the park. That said it does look like it's a trend because 2015 has almost as many remakes and reboots of successful brands as 2014 did. That's starting with the reboot of Star Wars. Anyway, here is my list with some explanation.
1. Dawn of the Planet of the Apes. Good almost great movie. I love this new rebooted angle. The only part that dragged a little was the fight scene at the end. I hope they continue the series.
2. The Equalizer. I had to give Denzel this spot. He had been crushing movies since Training Day. This movie he goes back to his Man on Fire roots. I hope that do a sequel.
3. The Edge of Tomorrow. I never liked Tom Cruise in a movie before but seeing him get his butt beat and killed over and over again was fun. I love the story. The ending was medium but didn't ruin it.
4. Guardians of the Galaxy. Marvel had to go here. So many super heroes are not from Earth that this allows them to include them. Sure it's all about Earth but now we get to see another take on a populated Universe besides Star Wars version.
5. Interstellar. This is many people's number one movie but to me it was to focused on the scientific fantasy of the story and not the entertainment aspect. I don't think having a few monsters or alien life forms would have messed up the science. But so what if it did save the true scientific discussion for the documentary. Writers are liars anyway so find a way to make it happen.
6. The Hunger Games Mocking Jay PT 1. I like Katness so much that I can tolerate all of the extra loves elements added to the story. I love the additions to expand the sci-fi of the story. I think it is what Hunger Games was meant to be.
7. X-Men Days of Future Past. Well, I ain't going to lie it took me a minute to get over the shape shifting sentinels I was able to enjoy the film. I was disappointed that the story didn't focus on the X Men battling the Sentinels. However, I enjoyed seeing Biship on the big screen.
8. The Hobbit the Battle of the Five Armies. Now, this film sums up what was missing in the films of 2014. How I explained this movies's short comings is image a boxing match with a Dragon and when you go to the fight the Dragon goes down in the first round.
9. The Maze Runner. I enjoyed this film. I took a lot from The Lord of the Rings and while I don't agree with the concept of man's savage nature the question of how will human children behave if left to construct their own society is a interesting question. I also liked how they answered the question in this story.
10. The Giver. This was the first book to have children killings. This was the book that influenced the Hunger Games and Maze Runner. It wasn't as action packed but it also didn't have big boring love element.
Honorable mentions. These are all films that are just as good as the films 5-10 but the part that messed them up was a little bigger or more prominent. I will just list what messed up the film for me.
1. Sin City, A Dame to Kill for. Nothing really stood out but the was less smart or diverse plot wise. The first Sin City had many different stories but this one just had one. Really I don't know what this story missed I just didn't think it was great. Maybe I have to see it again which I will.
2. RoboCop. New and fresh reboot but less racial diverse and the story was the same. They should have stole from all of the headlines about Police and civilian relations and wrote a new RoboCop story like JJ Abrams did with Star Trek and they did with Planet of the Apes.
3. Purge 2. This is the only movie on this list which I didn't see in the theater. I enjoyed this sequel better than I did the first part.
4. Dracula Untold. The special effects were great but the story wasn't fresh enough. Underworld changed the game. This was a low budget story. It needed more fighting and more story. Something. But good none the less. I don't even think I liked the ending. The reboot of the Wolfman was better.
5. 300 Rise of an Empire. Again you go to see a Mike Tyson fight and when you get there he's not there. I wanted to see King Xerxes get his big ass fight on but no it's a story about a crazy woman. Not bad but I can count the films I liked where the main character was somebody I wasn't supposed to like.
6. Tyler Perry Single Mom's Club. Hot film. No complaints. The only problems is that it's a comedy and comedies have to be Rush Hour to contend with Sci-fi for me.
7. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Good reboot got me interested in a story I don't like. This time the turtles didn't seem like white boys acting like black kids as much. Maybe because white kids act cooler now and the contrast isn't as big as it was before.
8. Pompeii. For a movie were everyone knew what was going to happen it did a good job of writing a background story. The ending was a little weak also.
9. Captain America Winter Soldier. Man there's no way if you would have told me this movie would not have made my top ten in 2013 I would have not believed you. However it didn't make my top ten. I only became a fan of Captain America after his 2011 movie. Now the magic has worn off maybe. Or maybe it was just the weak story. No matter what this movie was medium.
10. Godzilla. This is another movie that could have been so much more. I should have put it in my top ten just because it was so much better than the 1998 remake. I felt jept because again I wanted to Godzilla fight more. But what could I complain ALL of the old Godzilla movies are told the same way. I think that Pacific Rim was a game changer for all of these large monster films.
11. Transformers Age of Extinction. I have never put a Transformer film in my top ten but this came the closest. I think Mark Wahlberg was the big factor. I also think that it wasn't too slap stick. Who knows I doubt I will ever watch it again.

Horrible I only feel two movies got me for my money last year. These two movies missed there trailers mark.
I Frankenstein. I don't know what happened to my man Kevin Greviox but this was far from Underworld. It was like a bad knock off of Underworld.
Divergent. This was bad all the way around. I was a bad book and a even worse movie. I thought they would allow the film production process to work out all of the correctable parts.

What's or the forefront. 2015 looks to be another good year of film. I'm looking forward to bunch of films. Road Warrior, Star Wars, Avengers Age of Ultron and Jurassic Park

As always I include my wife's top ten and my son's.
My wife
1. The Equalizer
2. Guardians of the Galaxy
3. The Giver
4. Maze Runner
5. The Hobbit Desolation of Smoug
6. Planet of the Apes
7. Captain America Winter Soldier
8. Malificent
9. Pampeii
10. X Men Days of Future Past.
My son
1. Interstellar
2. Guardians of the Galaxy
3. The Giver
4. X Men Days of Future Past
5. Maze Runner
6. The Hunger Games Mocking Jay PT 1
7. RoboCop
8. Dawn of Planet of the Apes
9. Purge 2
10. Ninja Turtles

Where are all the GOOD men?

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This is one of the questions I love to give a quick answer to. I just say good people are everywhere and you can meet them in your daily path but in this piece I don't want to stop there. I want to go a little deep and elaborate on what I mean.
Okay, first let's narrow our scope more and say where are the good men over 30. Now, lets clarify what a good man is. A good man is, one who is self-supportive. One who has his own place and a car. That is if he doesn't live in New York City because you can get around without a car so I cut them some slack. A good man may live with one of his parents but he can't be living off of his parent's money. Next, if he has children he must not have drama. He should be up to date with child support if he has any. He should be intelligent and or worldly. He can be a little thuggish or a hustler/entrepreneur type but not too much. He should be nice looking or at least in healthy shape. Now, that's it I don't want to cater to the shallow chicks too much. Height, how much money he makes and swagger are a little to specific and unimportant.
So, now we have a good description of want a good man is. Now, we need to start indentifying some places where men like this can be found. The first thing you need to do is to use their likes and needs to see where we can run into one of them. A healthy guy over 30, working, who is intellectual. Well, they won't be in the night club every night looking for a girl. If one of them is in a night club they would be very hard to find. Plus nice guys don't always have "looking for a girl" on their minds. If they do they would have found someone. The good men we're looking for will be doing something progressive. To find these nice guys you will have to think like they do. There are nice guys over 30 but in my years of working with single men I have learned that they are not always in the obvious places. Also, they are not as aggressive as men who are not so good are. A good man isn't a ladies man. Ladies men date a lot of women hence the plural ladies. Ladies are very charismatic and confident. Good men can also be charismatic and confident but they don't always show it off. Some times their lack of in your face confidence makes them appear less strong but on the contrary they are just as capable of leading a household as the smooth talking Alpha males. The nice guys who make it to being single into their 30s and 40s are not left over's they are more like left outs or over lookeds.
So, now back to where they are. They are mostly at work. They are more likely to have a hobby than go out picking up chicks. They work out but not for shaping sexy muscles they exercise more for fun. Like bike riding. They go to the movies but not date movies, more like Sci-fi movies. They read and not just magazine and how to make money books. Nice guys read fiction. Biographies and fantasy books. Like Game of Thrones and Dreams from my father by Barack Obama. They watch TV but not just sports and news. They watch travel shows and History channel programs. They do go out and socialize but they aren't the will buy a lady a drink. They will be the guy who's really interested in what the event or program is about. God men do go to church but they are easy to find there because they are working in a program and the pastor is pointing them out to every single women in the congregation. Good men enjoy life so they do things that exploit the world we live in. Sporting events, Arts programs and they travel. When they travel they don't just stay at the resort, they go on the excursions to see the country. Good men do family events and take care of their parents. Not so much that they a become momma's boys but they are often mistaken for one. Good men have friends but their better friends are other nice guys. However, many of their friends are married.
I hope this gives you a little better idea as to how to find these elusive "Good Men." Remember the older the man the harder he is to snag. When you find one you will most likely have o approach him. And when you do, don't lead with sexual innuendos and undertones because it would cheapen you in his eyes. You should lead with a relative question or comment. Simply introducing yourself is fine. He would be more interested in the conversation that follows than the salutation. So be ready to talk wherever you go. Know where you are and why you are there because it will be the easiest subject for conversation. Good luck and have fun. Go out to those tech expos, lectures and parks with your eyes open like your in a night club.

Dating FEARS!

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What's there to be afraid of in a relationship or while dating? Are Dating Fears keeping you from dating or getting married?

People have all kinds of problems and concerns with being in a relationship whether it is marriage or just dating. These concerns are not hard to address. In fact all of these can be addressed by some simple dating techniques. There are more single people than there are married people for the first time in America's history. In addition to that marriage is under attack. It is losing its popularity. People are "hating" on marriage and being in a relationship. Part of it is because people who have had problems trying to find someone to be in a relationship with think it is the people they've met that are the problem. While other people get so frustrated they chose not date at all. Dating should not be something people don't want to do. It shouldn't be something people are scared to do. One of the most effective things in fighting fear and apprehension is information. So to help people get over the obstacles they have blocking them from enjoying a relationship, I have responded to the top 20 reasons or fears people have which keeping them from dating. I have used information from my three main tools (The Hip Hop Dating Codes, The Hip Hop Dating Contract, and my Playa Hata List) to help elevate the fear. The tips from these three lists will give everyone the information they need to get back in the ring of dating so they can find someone to marry and live happily ever after.

1. CHEATING. The person you are dating cheats on you. The best defense from a cheater is to make their job hard for them. Cheaters thrive off privacy and routine. In my Playa Hata list tip #2 I suggest for people to get to know the daily activities of the person they are in a relationship with. This should be easy because if you really like someone you should be already be interested what their activities are.

2. TWO-TIMERS. The person you are dating is already dating someone else. While some people don't care if they are approached by someone who is already in a relationship it does bother other people. Some people are scared of dating because they think they may start dating someone who is already in a relationship. This is a legitimate fear. One of the things I suggest to check for this is found in my Hip Hop Dating Contract. Term #7 of my contract is to publicize your relationship. Even if you are in a same sex relationship and are keeping it a secret from your family you should tell everyone you can.

3. THE ENDING of a relationship. How relationships end. You get your heart broken because the person you are dating dumps you or when you're married you get divorced and losing half of your stuff. Even if you don't lose half your money, you may still hurt the person you are dating's feelings. There is no way to avoid ending a relationship unless you plan on marrying the first person you decide to date. However, you can learn how and when to end a relationship. Every relationship doesn't have to end on a bad note. If you learn how to end a relationship you can avoid staying in a toxic relationship for too long. Tip #10 in my Playa Hata list I encourage people to end any relationship they think is not going to progress.

4. RAPE/ABUSE. Being abused by the person you are dating. The real statistics on rape show that pepper spray and karate moves won't help much to prevent rape or abuse because 68% of rape victims know their rapist as either casual acquaintance, friend or boyfriend. One way I suggest you can defend yourself from dating violence is to own your sexuality and not put yourself into positions where you can get seduced or drugged. Openly confronting sexual intimacy like the 1930's actress Mae West did. She was upfront with the sexual interest she had in the men she dated. She would say "is that a pickle in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?" and "Hey big boy why don't come up and see me some time?" She would follow that by saying "give me your number and I'll let you know when?" My last Hip Hop Dating Code addresses this fear. Dating Code #10 is Don't be seduced and to decide (like Mae West) when you would like to become physically intimate. Not by just holding out (making some guys anxious) but pointing out when you would like to engage.

5. DATING A LOSER. You learn that the person you are dating doesn't have a solid plan for their future. This is mostly a concern that women have because in a traditional relationship the male is the provider's and no one can become successful without making plans. Therefore, you can allievate this fear by making sure the person you are dating has future plans. However, as important as it for you to date someone with plans you can only find out if they have plans through talking to them about meaningful things. Subjects such as politics, religion, raising children and financial goals are usually subjects people avoid talking about early in a relationship. In the Playa Hata list tip #5 it advises people to talk to the person they're dating about as many subjects as they can think of. Communication is essential for all strong relationships.

6. DISEASES. Contracting a sexually transmitted disease or getting AIDS and dying. Getting pregnant or getting the person you are dating pregnant. The only sure fire way to protect yourself from contracting an STD is to go on a screening date together. Abstinence and a commitment to contraceptives can address a fear of pregnancy but what makes both of these fears so scary is that people are so addicted to sex. They can't wait to have it. Some people don't feel they are in a relationship unless they are having sex. What is needed is clarity. This is such an area in need of guidance that I have tips on both The Hip Hop Dating Codes and the Playa Hata list which address these fears. Tip #4 of the Dating Codes is to use contraceptives until marriage. Tip #4 on the Playa Hata list guides people to not spend the night together the first night they meet and to not engage in sex too hastily.

7. HAVING UNWANTED SEX. Being raped by the person you are dating when you tell them you don't want to have sex. Even without sex being forced or the pressure of having sex in a relationship scares people who are virgins into thinking they will have to lose their virginity. Tip #2 of the Hip Hop Dating Codes advises people to not only not engage in sex on the first night but instead have a sex talk.

8. BEING BORED. Getting caught in a boring relationship. Being with the same person forever and not having a fun dating life. Since in America society people date different people until they find someone they'd like to marry some people get addicted to dating. It's like having to choose one type of candy in a big candy store is like choosing one mate the variety of variation of people are just as endless. Playa Hata list Tip#8 addresses this fear head on. It suggests to people to share their problems with the person that you are dating and not hold issues away from them. Many times feelings can be mutual and issues can be revolved. One way or another by communicating with your date you can either find a solution to the issues burdening your relationship or end your relationship.

9. USED for SEX. Having sex and then the relationship ends is like being sexually devalued. Not having sex and being used for dates and gifts is the male fear equivalent. Whether it is because the belief that all people want in a relationship is sex and will leave you after they get it or if is the fear of getting used for a high priced meal, the fear is scary enough to keep people from dating. Hip Hop dating Code Tip#3 suggest singles to quickly define their relationship. Many people never proclaim their relationships. Just the simple clarification of what the status of the relationship can push away the most devious of ideas. People are less likely to use a person who is a boyfriend than they are someone they don't know the last name of.

10. THE FRIENDZONE. Being caught in the friend zone. This the fear of being the person people like better than their boy friend who wants to become the boyfriend. This a fear a lot of nice men have which makes them approach relationship with so much caution they sometimes don't even pursue a relationship. Tip #8 of Hip Hop Dating Codes and tip #6 of the Playa Hata list offer similar ways to deal with this fear. Number 6 of the hip Hop Dating Codes advises singles to Balance their Attractions. When couples have too much physical attraction to each other it can lead to a "just sex" relationship and possible baby drama but when couples have too much personal attraction to each other can lean to a sexless "friendzone" type relationship. Numbber 6 of the Playa Hata list is about having respect. Couples need to respect each other. When someone has respect for you they will not drag you along in a one sided sometimes misleading relationship.

11. Being UNAVAILABLE. Finding someone else attractive when you are already in a relationship. Hip Hop Dating Code Tip #1 advices people to date one person at a time. This doesn't mean every person you date you have marry. Dating one person at a time allows you to get into each person you date. You can focus and exploit the real benefits of being in a relationship. When you are fully emersed in a relationship other people will not distract you.

12. ACCUSED of RAPE. Being accused of rape. This is the Mike Tyson fear. Named after him because many people believed that he wasn't guilty and that if he could be convicted of rape anyone could be. Not that every guy is scared of being accused of being considered a rapist but they should be because many popular dating suggestions are really "rape your date" suggestions. Songs like Jamie Foxx "Blame it" which suggest sneaking an unwilling date enough alcohol to change their mind. Even this message builds on the belief that people can be seduced into having sex. My Hip Hop Dating Code tip #9 advises against seducing someone into sex. The is a difference between romancing and seduction but most people are not taught how to date or engage in physical intimacy. You don't need a sex contract but understand the sex is best when both parties are ready and willing.

13. The BAIT and SWITCH. Being with someone and they change. Like putting on weight or changing their priorities. Some women try to improve or adjust the men they date to their own liking but that is a challenge they take on. When it happens the other way around it becomes a fear. Some people are scared that they will meet and start dating a nice person and then by something they can't explain the person will change. Some men believe this happens after you marry a women and she isn't afraid of losing you. This fear doesn't make men not date but it keeps them from moving the relationship further. The Playa Hata list tip #8 is something that can be used to address this fear. Tip #8 asks people to communicate often and not keep feeling and concerns inside. Concerns not assumptions because concerns are based in actual behaviors. Not that you can stop somebody from changing their beliefs but by talking to them you may be able to get a better understanding as to why they are changing. This may be able to soften the pain of the change and alleviate the fear.

Information on the Hip Hop Dating Codes, Dating Contract and Playa Hata list can be found in the Hip Hop Dating Guide. On Amazon at

Is it time to pop the question to HIM?

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When to ask HIM or HER to marry you.
Recently a new colleague of mine asked me an interesting question. She asked "how do I know if my boyfriend is ready to go to the next level?" This question is a pretty good one for me because I do advocate women asking men the big question. I even think it is okay for women to ask men to date them. When dating feels like pre-engagement chances are you are serious about the person you are dating and it may be time to take your relationship to the next level. Catching feelings are inevitable unless you are a prostitute and still think they can connect to a repeat customer. This is one of the reasons why I don't play the friends with benefits game or just sex partners. Somebody always gets their feelings hurt at the end. High school kids and adults both thing they can control their feelings only to find out after someone is crying or eating chocolate ice cream that they were wrong.
Now to the answer of this question when should you ask somebody to marry you? Well to me the answer is not a simple list of tips. There are a few factors to consider. To make it easy I have made a Big Question Test. Answer these simple questions to figure out if it is time to make that proposal.
1. Why are you dating?
1 points. Start or continue a family.
2 points. Companionship.
3 points. Because you like them and they are hot.

2. What do you think the person you are dating is looking for?
1 points. Someone to live their lives with.
2 points. No real reason.
3 points. A safe sex partner.

3. How long have you been dating them?
1 points. No more than 3 years.
2 points. Less than a month.
3 points. 5 or more years.

4. What are the things you've done together?
1 points. Children and family outings and family events.
2 points. Dates out in public, dinner, movies and lots of one on one stuff.
3 points. Nowhere just each other's apartments and few dinner dates.

5. What is the person's dating history? Are they long term daters?
1 points. Had good experiences no red flags and they are optimistic.
2 points. Don't really know much about it.
3 points. Did something that caused their last relationship to end.

6. You have high respect for the person you are dating but not so high that it overshadows your sexual attraction them?
1 points. Doesn't just have sex with you. Talks about Politics and ask for advice on family issues.
2 points. Doesn't talk about deep stuff but talk about sports and entertainment.
3 points. Just talks about sexual and relationship stuff but no talking about work or family.

7. Worse case scenario, what could go wrong?
1 points. Nothing.
2 points. May continue dating.
3 points. You'll break up, give up on dating and be very upset.

8. Why do you get along so well?
1 points. You have been friends for years. Before you were in your last relationship.
2 points. You just click, finish each other's sentences.
3 points. Its a man woman thing. Sex is so good you can't keep hands off each other.

9. The Children factor.
1 points. They don't have any or you get along with the ones they have.
2 points. You've met their children but haven't really hung out with them.
3 points. Doesn't want to bring you around them because their children don't want them to date.

10. The friends factor.
1 points. They love you and want you around them all of the time and brings you with them to hang out with their friends.
2 points. He doesn't hang out with friends or you've only been around their friends a few times.
3 points. You clash with their friends and they don't like you.

Not here's how you score your answers to get your final answer.
10-15 safe to proceed to ask the question about advancing the relationship.
15-23 continue dating.
23-30 reevaluate your relationship or end the relationship all together.

50 Shades of Grey Takeaways for MEN

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50 Shades of Grey Book CoverFor the first time in a while there is something that is important for all men who are interested in women whether they are single or married. The 2012 book sensation 50 Shades of Grey has the attention of all women. This erotic novel is credited for offering suggestions that spark new life into bedrooms across the country. This piece of PORN, yes I said porn tells the story of a young lady named Anastasia who is being totally sexual fulfilled by one man. Anastasia is so satisfied she is "whipped" like we used to say. Sure the guy who's name is Christian Grey is rich and good looking he also brings a lot of other noteworthy characteristics to the table. Women love reading erotic (soft porn) stories just as men love watching porno films. Just like with men want sex partners like the women in the movies they watch, women who read this book wish for the lovers in their lives to be more like Christian Grey. There are many nonfiction books showing men how to sexually satisfy their women but for men who need to learn by example I suggest they take a look at the man from 50 Shades of Grey, Christian Grey. Christian Grey is not only good in the bed he also has other characteristics that make his bedroom activities even more satisfying.
Here are 10 things men can take away from the behavior of Mr. Christian Grey.

1. He communicated his intentions well. This is one of Christian's main characteristics. He tells Ana things like "I am going to F you and now." Yes I know it sounds crazy but some women do respond to being informed of your intentions. I do not suggest you try this the first time you have sex. Also don't try to be this bold until after you a sure the person really likes you. Communication is the main cause of divorce and learning how communicate your desires is a very honest action. I always say we need to stop playing games with each other and learn to be more upfront and honest with each other. You never know if the person feels the same way until you share your feelings.
2. He always had a plan. Christian was a certified control freak but one good characteristic of him was he always had something to do. He took on the responsibility of making the plans. A lot of women find a man with plans for their dates to be very attractive. Having no plans or ideas activities is not attractive.
3. He knew how to please a woman in bed. According to Ana, Christian was Mr. Lover Man giving her orgasms with every sexual encounter they had even during the quickies. Now whether he was responsible for her having an orgasm or if it was her overwhelming lust for him he still knew how to create the environment for her to reach that sexual high point. The sad thing is most people men and women don't know how to sexually satisfy their female partners. The female body is so special that many women don't know how to satisfy themselves until they are in their 30s. Christian Grey was lucky that he was taught by an older woman when he was young on how to please a women. Even though this is hard to learn it is something every person who plans to have a relationship with a woman has to learn.
4. He was confident and sure of himself. Sure Christian Grey was a billionaire but confidence is not exclusive to rich people. Confidence is very attractive. Confidence can be achieved through knowledge or accomplishment. While every single person has to learn how to build up their self-confidence having too much confidence is conceit. Conceit is not attractive.
5. He was attentive and interested in the life of the person he was dating. If you want to date someone you should be interested in them. A lot of people date people they are only attracted to physically and are not interested in. Not being interested in a person pushes people away and being interested in a person attracts them.
6. He let her know how attractive she was. I used to think telling a women I loved her was the kicker. It works but its not only thing that works. Christian Grey continuously told Ana how attractive she looked. Granted Anastasia had a low self-esteem however I think her insecurity speaks to an insecurity a lot of women have. I think telling a women you love them is good but that doesn't mean you like them. When Christian told Anastasia she had a beautiful body he said it as a matter of fact. He didn't say it sexually like saying she got a big butt or a sexy ass. His comment made her think she was beautiful and not just attractive to him. Telling someone you love them but acting like you don't is a neutralizer. It's one thing to look sexy and another thing to look beautiful. Learn how to tell the women you are dating both things.
7. He was interesting. Christian Grey is a multimillionaire who flies a helicopter and is into S&M. Does that sound interesting? You betcha. Having a lot of money or practicing a social abnorm are interesting characteristics that not everybody can have. Being interesting doesn't require loads of money or doing something that only a few people do. To be interesting all it takes is passion and an understanding of how you relate to other people. Once you understand your particular variation you can explain it to people. Many people think you have to be different to be interesting. No true. We can't all be different. We like movies that lots of other people like. We listen to music that lots of other people listen to. Being interesting is your particular view on the things you do. Your history, why you do what you do. How you learned how to do what you do. All of these angles are what make you an interesting person.

The last three things that Mr. Lover, lover Christian Grey also did that are counterproductive to a relationship. These things he was able to get away with because he had money and looked good. I also think because he slammed the first 7 things so well that these last three were not deal breakers. However for men who are not rich, good looking or are super men these will cost them a relationship.

8. He was too sex prioritized. There is a lot of sexual energy in the beginning of a relationship but Christian Grey only wanted to have sex with Anastasia. Even when they had dinner all he talked about was having sex. Sex is the number one distraction in relationships. It clouds and blocks other areas of couples connections to develop. Most women stop wanting to have sex all the time after the relationship continues. Having sex like rabbits may not last longer than a month or two but if you want to have a strong relationship with a woman you like then you will have to learn how to control your sex drive.
9. He was too controlling, jealous and dominating. Christian Grey was the poster child for the song "I own you" by Nas. I won't get into the fact that he is trying to get Anastasia to become his S & M submissive. One of the first gifts Christian Grey bought Anastasia was a computer. He bought her the computer so he could keep tabs on her. He continued to send her emails and text messages so frequent that she could barely keep up. He would message her after she left his house for a two hour drive home five minutes after she left. He would also get mad at her when she didn't answer his messages. He also wanted to control what she ate and what she wore. Granted he had no problems paying for them but he was still trying to control her. Some women want fatherish type boyfriend or an Archie Bunker type man however we're in the age of Michelle Obama and Sarah Palin. Women today know what they want to eat and how they want to dress. The more a man is able to learn how to respect his girlfriend's feelings and independence the more she will be attracted to him.
10. He was suffocatingly attentive, a board line stalker. Women do love a man who looks them in the eyes when he talks or a man who listens to them but a man who grills them about every decision is not cool. Christian Grey knew things about Anastasia that she didn't tell him. He tracked her cell phone to follow her nightly activity. Following a women around is not only a turn off but it can make a guy look spooky and it will scare a smart woman away. Catering to a woman too much can cause even a nice considerate women to take a man for granted. I'm not saying don't hold open a door but Christian Grey only wanted to do things for Anastasia and only wanted sex from her. I urge guys to have a life. Even though you think the girl you are dating is your personal Kim Kardashian ease back on playing the care taker role.

The book 50 Shades of Grey raised so many topics this is just one a few blogs I will be posting about this book.

Are you Stupid or just Single?

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Chances are you are both. Most of the 40 and older single people I've worked with have already met good people they should have dated. They join matchmaker groups just to meet someone like a person they already know. Marriage is not rocket science but some people make it harder than it really is. They set unrealistic and off point desires. Then in later years after a few divorces and some children they finally admit defeat and open up to make a change.

Here are my 7 signs that someone is a good choice to start dating.

1. You have similar activities. More than two activities in common.

2. You have respect for each other.

3. They are easy to talk to. Even when you do disagree with them.

4. You understand their problems.

5. You enjoy being around them.

6. Your lives complement each other.

7. You wouldn't have to change them they are fine the way they are.

*You are mutually attracted to each other physically. NAWH! Not needed.

I did not list being physically attracted to someone because most people don't try to date people they have something in common with they try to date people they are physically attracted to. Matter of fact a lot people let physical attraction be the only thing they use to determine the people they will date.
The signs I listed are things I feel are most often over looked by singles but I think are the areas which make strong couple's bonds so tight.
The reason why I titled the post Stupid is because that's how I felt when I reflected on my first years of dating. In my early years I didn't know what kind of person I really liked. I would approach girls that I was physically attracted to. Then I ended up dated women I was physically attracted. Only to find out after dating them awhile there was nothing else to the connection. It wasn't until after being married did I fully understand what was important for a healthy relationship. I reflected on girls I was friends with and ones I sought dates with and I began to get a better understanding of my dating stress. Now I hear people talk about the problems they have with their relationship or why they don't have a relationship and then I ask them how'd they start dating the person and it all becomes clear. Many of the things singles value in the people the date are not the best. So I hope this list helps you connect with your life partner.


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