Herb Samuels, Ph.D.

In your opinion, is it possible for women to have a purely sexual relationship with someone without any strings attached?

A: Is it possible for women to have a purely sexual relationship with someone without any strings? Yes. But your question seems to be more complex than my simple answer. Many of us like to think that the so called "double standard" is a thing of the past. We have one set of expectations for women and another for men. Men can love 'em and leave 'em; women need an emotional commitment in order to have a sexual relationship. Both of these are stereotypes. Many men are not carefree, unemotional sex machines who have no feelings for potential sex partners. Likewise, many women do not need an affidavit of lifelong commitment to engage in sexual activity. Perhaps, the question should be, can you have a purely sexual relationship with someone without any strings? If you can, it doesn't mean that you are a bad person, and if you can't, it doesn't mean that you have sexual hang-ups. Each of us has to decide how we will live our lives. What works for one may not work for the other. Do what you feel is best for you. Don't worry about the rest.

I'm a 45-year-old mother of two teenaged children, one girl and one boy, ages 14 and 15, respectively. I'm very concerned about their reaction to me dating and having sexual relationships with men. My concern stems from the fact that I am more interested in seeing multiple partners. It may seem hypocritical, but I'd prefer that my kids not think casual sex is OK—at least not at their age. How do I keep my lifestyle from affecting them without having to skulk around in the shadows?

A: It is not easy being a single parent with teenage children trying to get back in the dating scene. You say that you are concerned about their reactions to you dating and having sexual relationships with men. You also say that you are interested in having multiple partners. I have a question for you. Why are you discussing your sexual relationships with your children? It's one thing for your children to see you going out with different men, but it's another for them to know what you are doing with these men. Even parents have a right to privacy. You do not have to tell your children everything you do. Is it hypocritical? Not necessarily. What is appropriate for adults may be appropriate for children.

You have a dilemma in that you find nothing wrong with multiple partners and casual sex for yourself, but you don't want your children to share your views. Why not? You have a perfect opportunity to have an important discussion with your children about your values and helping them develop standards by which they can live. There is nothing wrong with having multiple partners if that is what you want. How can you keep your lifestyle from affecting them? You can't. No parent can. Whatever your lifestyle, your children will be affected by it.

Q: A coworker of mine is a very nice man, but he is a little on the touchy-feely side. I honestly think he feels his neck rubs are innocent, but part of me feels I should say something to him just on G.P. I am reluctant, however, to create any unnecessary tension in our relationship, especially if his intentions are just to be friendly. Any advice you could give would be appreciated.

A: It doesn’t make any difference what he might think about his neck rubs. His behavior is making you uncomfortable and if any unnecessary tension is being brought to you and your relationship with this coworker, he is the one bringing it. You need to tell your coworker in very clear unambiguous terms how his neck rubs are making you feel. And if he says that he did not mean anything by it, then you have provided him with a great service. You have given him feedback about his behavior. He might have been unaware as to how others perceive his “innocent” neck rubs. At any rate, this type of behavior in the workplace would most likely be considered inappropriate or even sexual harassment. Perhaps it would be better for him to hear it from you rather than through a complaint filed by another coworker. In the future, if something doesn’t seem right to you, trust your feelings. Too many of us endure negative situations because we don’t want to “rock the boat” or potentially hurt someone’s feelings. Don’t let embarrassment get in the way of you doing what is in your best interests.

Q: I appreciate the fact that my husband finds me sexually attractive. What I don’t appreciate is that every time I touch him—kiss him, cuddle with him, etc.—he turns it into an opportunity for having sex. Do men really not understand a woman’s need for physical closeness which does not necessarily lead to sex? Or are they just socially programmed to respond without thought. I know my husband loves me, but I resent having to limit my gestures of affection to avoid being pulled into a sexual encounter I may not want right at that moment. Sometimes, I simply want affection without things getting physical. How can I get him to see this.

A: Do men really not understand a woman’s need for physical closeness which does not necessarily lead to sex? Yes. Women and touch are like Eskimos and snow. Apparently, Eskimos have many different words describing snow. This helps them navigate the landscape. Women have different ways of touching to underscore different emotional states. For many men, any kind of touch means one thing—sex! Have you told your husband that every time you kiss him or cuddle with him it does not mean that you are asking for sex? Rather than trying to get him to figure out what kind of snow is on the ground, make it easy for him and give him the “when I touch you like this I want sex” signal. Anything else means “hold me I’m not feeling well,” or “I had a bad day at the office.”

Q: Many women complain that their partners reach orgasm too quickly, but my man stretches out lovemaking until it is no longer enjoyable to me. As a matter of fact, I’m often in pain because of the chafing caused by the constant rubbing motion. I’ve used lubricants, which help, but, usually, by then, I’ve become so turned off it’s all I can do not to fling him off me. Sometimes, I feel as if there’s something he’s trying to prove with this long, drawn-out performance and my body is paying the price. How can I diplomatically let him know that all of this is quite unnecessary and is hurting, not helping our sex life?

A: Many women do complain that their partners ejaculate sooner than they would want. Men who can control their ejaculations and can “last a long time” during sexual intercourse are often perceived as being great lovers. But, as you have suggested, there can be a downside to a “long, drawn-out performance.” Retarded or delayed ejaculation is a condition where it is difficult for a man to ejaculate after there has been sufficient sexual stimulation. This can be caused by psychological as well as physical problems. On the other hand, your boyfriend may be one of those men who can control his ejaculatory reflex to the point where he can ejaculate when he desires. Men who can do this take pride in their ability to prolong sexual intercourse because they feel that this is what their partners want. Since this is not what you want, tell your boyfriend how you feel. This is best done in a non-sexual situation (i.e. don’t wait until you are having sex to start the conversation). Explain to him that prolonged thrusting causes you pain and your vagina becomes irritated. Find out if he is intentionally “holding back” because he thinks this is what you want him to do. If it’s because it just takes him a long time to ejaculate, feel free to use other methods to “get him off.”