Dorothy A. Horton, Psy.D.

I'm a 28-year-old professional woman who is involved with a blue-collar man who is working two jobs. We've been together for three years and he is all that I could want and then some. He's honest, respectful of me and my daughter from a previous relationship and very dependable. Overall, he's a wonderful companion. The only problem I have is that he is a college dropout and my family and friends have been pressuring me to dump him as they feel I can "do better." I know my relationship is none of their business, but my family is very close-knit and their acceptance of my partner means a lot to me.

A: You're right about one thing: The relationship is none of their business. You should not allow family or friends to pressure you into ending up a satisfying, fulfilling and wonderful relationship. Family and friends should be happy that you found a lovely man and have been in a strong and supportive three-year relationship.

It is often very difficult to find the right person. Who cares if he's blue collar and a college dropout? As long as he is all of what you say he is, his academic status seems unimportant. From what you've said in your letter, you are not the one who is bothered by his decision to drop out of college.

Even though you value your relationship with your family and friends, realize that you should not allow their elitist attitude to jeopardize your happiness with a good man who loves and cares for you and your child.

I recently ended a six-year, live-in relationship with the man I though I was going to marry. I ended the relationship because I was tired of being emotionally abused by this man's constant cheating. On occasion he's said that men have stronger sex drives than women and this is why men need to be able to have more than one woman. I've heard this "biological imperative" excuse before and think it's a cop-out. Now, he doesn't want to see me move on with my life and has begun to stalk me. Really, he's done nothing overt, just constantly showed up at places where I go. What I want to know is, do I have enough reason to take out a restraining order against him? What I have is more of a sense of possible danger from him, more so than concrete proof he is definitely a threat to me. What do you think?

A: Your legal question is beyond the scope of my expertise. You can contact your local law enforcement, however, and ask someone to advise you whether or not you have enough cause to obtain a restraining order against your former live-in partner.

You may want to consider reading the book Violent Relationships—Battering and Abuse Among Adults, by Formation Plus. It has some really good information about restraining orders. And, by the way, your ex-boyfriend's behaviors are both overt and unhealthy, especially since you've ended the relationship.

Stay alert, take precautions and investigate that restraining order.

Dear Dorthy,
I have been in an eight-year relationship with a woman and have been engaged to her for seven of those years. She still has yet to give me a wedding date. I have tried to talk to her about it once every six months, but we always get into a big fight about it. I’m 42 and she is 38. We used to live together until about one year ago. Now, we just spend weekends together. We have no kids together. I have a son from a previous relationship and he is 14. To me, it just seems as though I’m standing by waiting for her to agree to get married.

A: It sounds like you have already figured out the true answer long ago, but your denial defense mechanism has interfered and prevented you from accepting the reality of this overlong engagement. Your partner seems to have other plans, which doesn’t include a commitment to marry you. Enough time has already passed. It’s time to move on and find yourself a partner who has your best interests at heart, is compatible with you and is sensitive to your needs.

Q: After years of being out of the dating loop, I found the courage to get back into the social scene once more. The only problem that I have encountered so far is that my 14-year-old son has shown some hostility because of my actions. He sees me as his mother and not much else. What will it take for me to convince him that “mom” needs her own life?

A: Here’s food for thought. When single parents date, children may have concerns about what this new relationship means to a parent personally and how this new person may affect their life at home. They may ask themselves the following questions: Is another parent going to be taken from me? Will my ties with my biological dad be threatened? Will my mother have less time for me since she has a new boyfriend? And if this new person does become a live-in partner, will he intrude on my living space? This type of fear and unanswered questions can be overwhelming and very difficult for a 14 year old to comprehend, especially when he’s used to having you all to himself. You may feel less guilty about dating and get your son to become less hostile if you make it clear to your child that your mother-son relationship is not going to change. If your relationship with the new person in your life starts to look permanent, however, then it’s time for the person you’re dating to reach out to your son in a non-threatening manner. If your son doesn’t come around and he’s still behaving in a hostile manner or acting out more than usual, then you may need to seek professional help to assist all of you through this difficult adjustment period. Your son must learn to accept that his mother is a single parent and she’s going to date with or without his approval.

Q: My husband and I recently separated because of an incident of physical abuse, which grew out of verbal abuse that had been escalating for almost a year. He wants to reunite, but I told him that he’d need to undergo therapy so he could learn to control his quick temper, which is at the core of our problem. What I am wondering, however, is how likely is a batterer (even one who hit you only once) to change? I’d rather be safe than sorry.

A: With the right therapy, anything is possible. There’s no definitive answer, however, regarding whether or not your husband will physically abuse you again. But the impact of any verbal abuse or single physical incident of violence in any relationship should not be underestimated. You’re on the right track to suggest to your husband that he get help before reuniting with him. That was an excellent idea; and, for starters, anger management is in order. If you’re interested in exploring violence against women, the Internet has great articles. Two to check out are realhealthmag.com (search “domestic abuse”) and healthywomen.org.

Q: I am in a three-year, live-in relationship with a 36-year-old man, who, I’ve come to realize, picked me because of my looks. After we got together, however, and the practical demands of everyday life started to mess up my “sexy thang” image, he cooled considerably. What he expects when he comes home is for me to be dressed in something tight and low-cut. Instead, I am a real woman who isn’t always dressed like a sexpot who sometimes chips her fingernails doing housework. Despite the problems, however, I care for this man. But he needs to understand that women are not trophies you get to pump up your ego. I’d like to try talking to him about this, but was wondering if this is something that therapy would be more effective in addressing, as opposed to a sit-down, heart-to-heart to let him know how I feel. What do you think?

A: It is to be hoped that your man wanted you for some other attributes besides your looks. But you may want to try a little experiment. Tell him that when he is at home, you want him to dress in a more sexy way—no shirt and underwear, showing what he’s got. Whatever he expects of you, reverse the behavior and attitude by doing the same thing to him. After a while, see how he feels about the situation. When he’s no longer amused, it will be time for that discussion. After the conversation, if you’re not satisfied with the answers, you can always take the next step and seek help from a therapist.