August 2009 Archives

My boyfriend of two years, who does not have a regular job, has taken to routinely inviting himself to my place for dinners—nightly—and cleaning out my refrigerator of food. I feel like I'm being used. What's more, I can't afford to keep feeding both of us. Should I cut this freeloader loose or just tell him I can no longer afford his dinnertime visits?

A: How long has your boyfriend been unemployed? Do you feel that he has potential? When he does have money, does he share it with you? Do you spend time together that does not involve sex or dining? Does he listen to your problems at work or school? Have you asked him to bring dinner? Does he wash the dishes or clean up after each meal? Other than eating your food, what characteristics do you dislike about him? What is he doing for you emotionally, psychologically and sexually that causes you to overlook his lack of income? Traditional gender role expectations have changed in modern society. If the roles were reversed, society wouldn't call a woman a freeloader if a man purchased a meal for her each night. It appears from your letter that your boyfriend is doing something right to satisfy you in other aspects of your life. You need to weigh the good and bad in the relationship and determine if he is worthy of dinner.

Psychologically speaking, why do married men stray? And why do they insist on lying when they get caught in the tangled web they weave?

A: Marriage vows or the commitment to a relationship do not shut down the physiological and psychological process we call attraction. It is human nature to seek new experiences, to be curious, to enjoy many things and be drawn to many people. It is not uncommon for men or women who are in committed relationships to be physically attracted to people other than their partners.

Men lie about cheating because they do not want to lose the stability of a committed relationship; the woman who loves the bald spot; the woman who knows he soaks his dentures at night and the woman who loves him with or without an erection. Men do not want to lose the women who love every inch of their masculinity, including their flaws and weaknesses.

I think that one of the biggest mistakes that women make in committed relationships is that they lose their feminine mystique. They leave the bathroom door open when using the toilet, stop wearing makeup and stop dressing sexy for their man. Women sometimes forget that the hardest man to keep sexually interested in her is the man she already has. He knows that her breath smells in the morning and the cleavage is nonexistent without the bra.

In essence, men are being visually stimulated by other women who look sexy, and then he comes home to the woman who loves him, but he is not visually or physiologically sexually attracted to her.

A man who is not going to heat will never steer away from his values even if Beyonce stripped naked in front of him, simply because he respects himself. Men are constantly bombarded with images of women in skimpy clothing and come-hither behavior. To a large degree, society gives men conflicting messages about fidelity.

The bottom line is that men men who choose not to cheat typically value, respect and honor their relationship with their partners.