He's Still In Touch With Ex: What Gives?

Q: For the past two years, I’ve lived with my boyfriend. I’ve known him for at least eight years in total, on and off. Recently, he became very ill and I took care of him. Since his recovery, I noticed that he’s contacted his ex-girlfriend several times by e-mail. In all fairness, the e-mails were platonic, and they have been friends for at least 10 years. I knew that before he and I got together, however, I get very upset because he’s still in contact with her. When I confronted him about his relationship with her, however, he reassured me that she is simply one of his genuine, long-time friends. Perhaps, I should be okay with that answer, but I’m not. I feel as if I’m always in this woman’s shadow. Is it wrong for me to ask him to sever ties with her? No matter what he says, I see her as my toughest rival.

A: There is a special ingredient that your boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend possesses that is difficult for him to replace or find in other intimate relationships. Whatever that special ingredient is, however, it is not rich and meaningful enough to maintain an ongoing healthy, committed relationship. On the flip side, this special ingredient is potent enough to ruin the trust and intimacy in any future relationships that your boyfriend may have. Please keep in mind that the reason your boyfriend maintains contact with her is because she satisfies an emotional need that he has. What is most disturbing is that their “friendship” is platonic, yet they were lovers prior to your relationship with your boyfriend. Obviously, there is a strong sexual attraction still present. This is a red flag. You cannot compete with this type of “special friendship” and neither should you want to. There is a part of your boyfriend’s heart that belongs to his ex-girlfriend that is unavailable until the right person comes along. If you ask him to stop communicating with her, he will, most likely, continue his relationship with her behind your back. You deserve better. Cut your losses and move on.