Cassandra George Sturges, Psy.D.

My boyfriend of two years, who does not have a regular job, has taken to routinely inviting himself to my place for dinners—nightly—and cleaning out my refrigerator of food. I feel like I'm being used. What's more, I can't afford to keep feeding both of us. Should I cut this freeloader loose or just tell him I can no longer afford his dinnertime visits?

A: How long has your boyfriend been unemployed? Do you feel that he has potential? When he does have money, does he share it with you? Do you spend time together that does not involve sex or dining? Does he listen to your problems at work or school? Have you asked him to bring dinner? Does he wash the dishes or clean up after each meal? Other than eating your food, what characteristics do you dislike about him? What is he doing for you emotionally, psychologically and sexually that causes you to overlook his lack of income? Traditional gender role expectations have changed in modern society. If the roles were reversed, society wouldn't call a woman a freeloader if a man purchased a meal for her each night. It appears from your letter that your boyfriend is doing something right to satisfy you in other aspects of your life. You need to weigh the good and bad in the relationship and determine if he is worthy of dinner.

Psychologically speaking, why do married men stray? And why do they insist on lying when they get caught in the tangled web they weave?

A: Marriage vows or the commitment to a relationship do not shut down the physiological and psychological process we call attraction. It is human nature to seek new experiences, to be curious, to enjoy many things and be drawn to many people. It is not uncommon for men or women who are in committed relationships to be physically attracted to people other than their partners.

Men lie about cheating because they do not want to lose the stability of a committed relationship; the woman who loves the bald spot; the woman who knows he soaks his dentures at night and the woman who loves him with or without an erection. Men do not want to lose the women who love every inch of their masculinity, including their flaws and weaknesses.

I think that one of the biggest mistakes that women make in committed relationships is that they lose their feminine mystique. They leave the bathroom door open when using the toilet, stop wearing makeup and stop dressing sexy for their man. Women sometimes forget that the hardest man to keep sexually interested in her is the man she already has. He knows that her breath smells in the morning and the cleavage is nonexistent without the bra.

In essence, men are being visually stimulated by other women who look sexy, and then he comes home to the woman who loves him, but he is not visually or physiologically sexually attracted to her.

A man who is not going to heat will never steer away from his values even if Beyonce stripped naked in front of him, simply because he respects himself. Men are constantly bombarded with images of women in skimpy clothing and come-hither behavior. To a large degree, society gives men conflicting messages about fidelity.

The bottom line is that men men who choose not to cheat typically value, respect and honor their relationship with their partners.

There is a new student at my college who is from another country. We became fast friends and talk all the time. Recently, he told me that he is interested in being more than just friends. I think he is a great person and I like him, but I am afraid of dating him as he is going to be returning to his country once he is finished with his studies. I don’t want to have my heart broken. Should I still go out with him and let the chips fall where they may or just keep things on a friendship level?

A: If he wants to seriously date you, there are no other women involved and he is not rushing to have sex with you, go for it. Don’t worry about him leaving the country. If you both love each other, you will find a way to make it work. But if he is only looking for a fling, you are setting yourself up for a broken heart. Men can be truthful when it comes to their future plans in relationships, however, women often hear what they want and use sex to influence men. Listen to what he is telling you—but only believe how he is treating you.

Q: Recently, I’ve been hearing a lot about black men and other men of color who sleep with other men but regard themselves as heterosexual and also sleep with women. Matter of fact, the intimation is that this is a primary reason why the HIV/AIDS problem has climbed in our community. How prevalent is this behavior? I am really concerned.

A: According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, AIDS is the number one cause of death for African Americans between the ages of 25 and 44. An estimated two-thirds of new cases come from people who are unaware that they are infected with HIV. In 2000, HIV/AIDS was among the top three causes of death for African-American men ages-25 to 54 and African-American women ages 35 to 44. Black women account for 72 percent of all the new HIV cases in women; 67 percent of Black women with HIV contracted it from heterosexual sex. African-American women are 23 times more likely to be infected with AIDS than white women. African-American men are almost nine times more likely to be infected with AIDS than white men. Based on these staggering statistics, you have every reason to be concerned. I have several professional male patients who indulge in sexual relationships with both males and females. They do not view themselves as homosexuals but feel they are “lovers of life’s pleasures.” I asked them if they inform women with whom they have sexual intercourse about their sexual relationships with men as well. They said that this information is no more appropriate to reveal than them having sex with other women. They believe their masculinity is not defined by their sexual partners.

Q: I have a lesbian girlfriend who I have known forever. Lately, she’s been flirting with me, which makes me uncomfortable. I am not a lesbian. How can I let her know that her flirtatious behavior is unwanted without jeopardizing our friendship?

A: Honey, the friendship is already in jeopardy, unless you are comfortable and happy with the way things are now. You need to sit down and talk to your friend and tell her exactly how you feel about her unwanted sexual advances. Make sure that she understands that your feelings have nothing to do with her sexual orientation. It doesn’t matter whether or not you are a lesbian; you don’t want to be sexually harassed by anyone. If she wants to end the friendship, you haven’t lost anything but the friendship of someone who violates your trust and has no respect for personal boundaries.

Q: For the past two years, I’ve lived with my boyfriend. I’ve known him for at least eight years in total, on and off. Recently, he became very ill and I took care of him. Since his recovery, I noticed that he’s contacted his ex-girlfriend several times by e-mail. In all fairness, the e-mails were platonic, and they have been friends for at least 10 years. I knew that before he and I got together, however, I get very upset because he’s still in contact with her. When I confronted him about his relationship with her, however, he reassured me that she is simply one of his genuine, long-time friends. Perhaps, I should be okay with that answer, but I’m not. I feel as if I’m always in this woman’s shadow. Is it wrong for me to ask him to sever ties with her? No matter what he says, I see her as my toughest rival.

A: There is a special ingredient that your boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend possesses that is difficult for him to replace or find in other intimate relationships. Whatever that special ingredient is, however, it is not rich and meaningful enough to maintain an ongoing healthy, committed relationship. On the flip side, this special ingredient is potent enough to ruin the trust and intimacy in any future relationships that your boyfriend may have. Please keep in mind that the reason your boyfriend maintains contact with her is because she satisfies an emotional need that he has. What is most disturbing is that their “friendship” is platonic, yet they were lovers prior to your relationship with your boyfriend. Obviously, there is a strong sexual attraction still present. This is a red flag. You cannot compete with this type of “special friendship” and neither should you want to. There is a part of your boyfriend’s heart that belongs to his ex-girlfriend that is unavailable until the right person comes along. If you ask him to stop communicating with her, he will, most likely, continue his relationship with her behind your back. You deserve better. Cut your losses and move on.