Q: I have two friends who are both in relationships with men they’ve been seeing for at least two years. Neither man wants to discuss marriage even though they say they love these women.
A: Let’s run down the possibilities. There are usually three main reasons why a man doesn’t want to commit to a woman: 1) He’s just not that into her, 2) He’s been so burned in the past by bad relationships that he doesn’t want to settle down again, and 3) He doesn’t want to give up his bachelorhood, i.e. the freedom to do the nasty with other ladies and spend “quality times” with his single buddies.
1) He’s not really that into you. He’s not that excited, please and awed by you as his future soul mate. This is a deal-breaker. Maybe he likes you around for the sex and the fun, but you may not be the woman he really wants to settle down with. Perhaps, he has a certain physical look—a type—he really wants to marry. Really, the reasons don’t matter. The important thing is for you to do a reality check and determine if he really seems to be crazy about you as his lifelong partner or if he’s just stringing you along. If that’s the case, there’s little you can do but go your own way. Say bye-bye.
2) He’s been burned by past relationships. This is easier to deal with. Open and honest communication here is a must. Start by talking about some of your own love disappointments, but assure him that you have an open and willing heart to love a man—him—as your life partner. Explain that when two people are compatible, love each other and have a strong faith base for their relationship, they will succeed in marriage where others have failed.
3) He’s worried about losing his freedom to have sex with as many women as he wants. Try a little reverse psychology on him. Tell him this: “If you want to have sex with a lot of women, then choose one woman. If you want to have sex with only one woman, then go ahead and play the field with many women.” What this means, you explain to him, is that, by making love to one woman (you) over and over again, he will see the depths of your personality, the different shades of you, over a long period of time. He will see many women in you as you play different roles—sexually, emotionally and psychologically. On the other hand, if he goes out with many women, he will likely pick the same type of woman, and only know her superficially sexually, for a short period of time. Thus, it’s like he’s having sex with the same (type of) woman over and over again, without experiencing the depth of mutual sexual passion he could enjoy with you.
Now that you’ve made your best case, the rest is up to him. If he really loves and wants you, he will marry you in a heartbeat.
