February 2009 Archives

Q: Why is it that some men don’t want to commit? I have two friends who are both in relationships with men they’ve been seeing for at least two years. Neither man wants to discuss marriage, even though they say they love these women.



A: Let's run down the possibilities. There are three main reasons why a man doesn't want to commit to a woman: 1) He's just not that into you; 2) He's been so burned in the past by bad relationships that he doesn't want to settle down again; and 3) He doesn't want to give up his bachelorhood, i.e. the freedom to do the nasty with other ladies and spend “quality time” with their single buddies.
1) He's not really that into you. He's not that excited, pleased, and awed by you as his future soul mate. This is a deal-breaker. Maybe, he likes you around for the sex, and the fun, but you may not be the woman he really wants to settle down with. Perhaps, he has a certain type of woman—with a certain type of physical look—he really wants to marry. Really, the reasons don't matter. The important thing is for you to do a reality check, and determine if he really seems to be crazy about you as his lifelong partner, or if he's just stringing you along. Be aware of these warning signs that he's not that into you: Does he avoid talking about certain topics, seem disinterested in you at times, look at other women a lot, and is rarely available to see you at the times you really want him? If you answered “yes” to one or more of these, then it's likely that he doesn't really see you as “The One.” If that's the case, there's little you can do, but go your own way. Say bye-bye.
2) He's been burned by past relationships. This is easier to deal with. Open and honest communication here is a must. Start by talking about some of your own love disappointments, but assure him that you have an open and willing heart to love a man—him—as your life partner. Explain that when two people are compatible, love each other, and have a strong faith base for their relationship, they will succeed in marriage where others have failed.
3) He’s worried about losing his freedom to have sex with as many women as he wants. Try a little reverse psychology on him. Tell him this: “If you want to have sex with a lot of women, then choose one woman. If you want to have sex with only one woman, then go ahead and play the field with many women.” What this means, you explain to him, is that, by making love to one woman (you) over and over again, he will see the depths of your personality, the different shades of you, over a long period of time. He will see many women in you, as you play different roles—sexually, emotionally, and psychologically. On the other hand, if he goes out with many women, he will likely pick the same type of woman, and only know her superficially, sexually, for a short period of time Thus, it's like he's only having sex with the same (type of) woman, over and over again, without experiencing the depth of mutual sexual passion he could enjoy with you. You’ve got him now; close out the conversation with this unbeatable statement: “Honey, don't worry; when we're married, you can still have your boy's night out; your friends are my friends. As long as we love and respect each other, I know I can trust you to do the right thing.”
Now that you've made your best case, the rest is up to him. If he really loves and wants you, he will marry you, in a heartbeat. Not because he feels pressured, but because he truly wants to spend the rest of his life with such a caring, trusting, sexually passionate and intelligent woman.

Q: About one year into our relationship, my boyfriend of two years told me he’d been sexually molested by a female babysitter at the age of 11. He also told me that he was aware of incestuous encounters between his father and his stepsister and cousins, with whom he has discussed these childhood incidents. The weird thing is that my boyfriend does not seem to think any of this is any big deal. I don’t know what horrified me the most—the incidents he described or his current attitude toward them. We’ve talked about getting married down the road, but now I don’t know how his attitude on incest would impact on our future together. I really don’t think I’d be comfortable having children with him, for one, and, two, incest is a horrible, horrible crime to me. In my opinion, his attitude toward it is very accepting—and that bothers me big time.

A: Slow down. You may be missing something important here. Your boyfriend could be in denial. He’s not fully accepting the painful consequences of what happened to him as a child. He’s ignoring the true true emotional impact of the incest and molestation. In the short term, this protects him from having to face the traumas of his past. In the long term, however, it blunts his emotional growth and prevents him from moving on with his life. Suggest that he get into some good, long-term therapy. Hypnotherapy (using hypnosis to access childhood memories) can be an excellent way for him to get in touch with his pain so he can achieve catharsis—a sudden release of pent-up feelings—that will help in the healing process.