Alexander Avila, Ph.D.

When a man breaks his engagement to a woman, what is the correct procedure for the handling of the ring? Does the woman get to keep it or is she supposed to return it to him?

A: Legally, there are several ways to look at it, depending on the court system where you live. One legal view is that the engagement ring is a straight-up gift, and gifts don't have to be returned (this is uncommon in most courts). But the more common approach is to treat the engagement ring like a "conditional gift"—meaning that it's only a gift if the marriage takes place.

If the marriage doesn't take place, there are two ways to look at it: fault and no-fault. In the fault approach, if the giver, your fiance, breaks the engagement for no valid reason, then he's at fault and you get to keep the ring. On the other hand, in the no-fault approach—which is the most common courts see—it doesn't matter who broke the engagement or why. There is no blame placed, and, since the marriage didn't occur, your fiance gets the ring back since it was conditional on the marriage happening. This is probably the law in your state so make sure you consult an attorney in your area if you're planning on keeping the ring, even though your fiance wants it back.

Aside from the legal issues, here's the bottom line: if the engagement didn't work out, do you really want to keep the ring? Sure, it's worth money, but there are probably plenty of negative emotions attached to the ring. You broke up for a reason, and maybe a nasty one at that. Every time you see that ring, you'll be reminded of your relationship's failure. You may just want to leave the bad feelings and memories behind forever by giving the ring back and starting over with a new man and a new ring you'll be proud to wear.

A college friend of mine, who is a freshman, recently told me that he is at his wit's end. His widowed mother insists that he sleep in the same bed with her. his mother's insistence on putting him in his father's place has him grossed out. She has not made sexual advances, he says, but he wants to know how he can tell his mother that her behavior is inappropriate and makes him totally uncomfortable in the home. What do you suggest?

A: The key here is to understand the psychology of the mother. As a widow, her husband is gone, and she feels the pangs of loneliness. Now, her son is off to college, and, she fears, he will also abandon her very soon. That's why the mother is trying so hard to recapture the old days: by sleeping with her son, like she used to do when he was little. What your friend has mistaken as a possible need for surrogate sex is really a cry for attention, security and comfort.

Your friend can offer the love and security his mom is missing in many ways, without sleeping in the same bed. For example, he can spend some time with her watching TV and talking. He can tell her about his new experiences at school, listen to her problems, and, maybe, give her a neck rub. He can take her to the movies or dining, or, better yet, enroll her in an adult class, singles group or church activity where she can meet other interesting adults for friendship and companionship.

If your friend can offer this type of support and comfort to his hurting mother, not only will he be a wonderful son, but he will also be on his way to becoming a true, loving man.

Q: I have two friends who are both in relationships with men they’ve been seeing for at least two years. Neither man wants to discuss marriage even though they say they love these women.

A: Let’s run down the possibilities. There are usually three main reasons why a man doesn’t want to commit to a woman: 1) He’s just not that into her, 2) He’s been so burned in the past by bad relationships that he doesn’t want to settle down again, and 3) He doesn’t want to give up his bachelorhood, i.e. the freedom to do the nasty with other ladies and spend “quality times” with his single buddies.

1) He’s not really that into you. He’s not that excited, please and awed by you as his future soul mate. This is a deal-breaker. Maybe he likes you around for the sex and the fun, but you may not be the woman he really wants to settle down with. Perhaps, he has a certain physical look—a type—he really wants to marry. Really, the reasons don’t matter. The important thing is for you to do a reality check and determine if he really seems to be crazy about you as his lifelong partner or if he’s just stringing you along. If that’s the case, there’s little you can do but go your own way. Say bye-bye.

2) He’s been burned by past relationships. This is easier to deal with. Open and honest communication here is a must. Start by talking about some of your own love disappointments, but assure him that you have an open and willing heart to love a man—him—as your life partner. Explain that when two people are compatible, love each other and have a strong faith base for their relationship, they will succeed in marriage where others have failed.

3) He’s worried about losing his freedom to have sex with as many women as he wants. Try a little reverse psychology on him. Tell him this: “If you want to have sex with a lot of women, then choose one woman. If you want to have sex with only one woman, then go ahead and play the field with many women.” What this means, you explain to him, is that, by making love to one woman (you) over and over again, he will see the depths of your personality, the different shades of you, over a long period of time. He will see many women in you as you play different roles—sexually, emotionally and psychologically. On the other hand, if he goes out with many women, he will likely pick the same type of woman, and only know her superficially sexually, for a short period of time. Thus, it’s like he’s having sex with the same (type of) woman over and over again, without experiencing the depth of mutual sexual passion he could enjoy with you.

Now that you’ve made your best case, the rest is up to him. If he really loves and wants you, he will marry you in a heartbeat.

Q: I am in a relationship with a man and just became intimate with him. I am not in love with him, but really like him. He views our sexual intimacy, however, as proof that I must love him. I’d like to clear the air, but don’t want to hurt his feelings. How should I proceed?

A: Some men think women can only have sex with them if they’re in love. They don’t realize that a number of women like sex just for the pleasure of it. In fact, research shows that, in some ways, men are actually more romantic, idealistic and fantasy oriented in love and relationships. Women tend to be more practical and realistic, while men often overly fantasize about the women they desire. Given that, you need to appeal to your man’s romantic nature. Tell him that you’re a complex woman who has many sides: emotional, romantic and physical. Right now, let him know that he’s won over your physical, sexual part. At the same time, gently explain that he hasn’t won over your romantic and emotional side yet. Let him know that you can enjoy just the sex and friendship by itself and maybe in the future you can fall in love as well. Instead of limiting him, you’re giving him options; challenging him, inspiring him. Who knows? He may be the man who will win over your heart if you give him the opportunity and incentive.

Q: How do you get a man to share his feelings about your relationship without becoming a nag? I’ve been seeing my boyfriend for almost a year and half and he never wants to discuss anything about our relationship. Sometimes, I think he feels our relationship is one long date. If that’s what he’s thinking. I’d really like to know so I don’t waste any more time dating him. At my age, 33, I’m looking for more than just a dating partner.

A: Most people know what they need to say to their mates; they just need to know how to say it. How about telling your man that you’ve been together for almost a year and a half, and you care about him deeply, but you sometimes feel like your relationship is one big, long date. You, at age 33, want more. You don’t want just a dating partner; you want a life partner. There, was that so hard? You just told him what you told me. Of course, you will do it in a nice, soft and loving way. You’ll hold his hand; you might cook him his favorite dinner first. Make him realize that you don’t want to pressure or nag him into a serious, long-term relationship. You just want to bring things out into the open, to make sure you’re both on the same page. The reason you’re afraid of talking about this is that you fear losing him, of coming on too strong. Don’t worry about that. If he’s a Feeling male—a man who is guided by his feelings and values—he will welcome talking about the way he feels about you, even though he may be a little shy about it at first. On the other hand, if he’s a Thinking male—a man who relies on logic and intellect to guide him—then feelings may not be his strong suit; straight talk and logical analysis will be. If he’s a Thinker (two-thirds of men are Thinkers), which it sounds like he is, he’ll respond better if you present things in a logical format. Ask him the following question and give him answer choices A,B and C. Question: “Do you love me and want to marry me?” A: If the answer is “yes”, he needs to go to the engagement store promptly and set a date for marriage. B: If the answer is “no”, you need to go to the locksmith and change any shared locks. The relationship is over. C: If the answer is he’s “not sure”, you will stop having sex with him immediately. You will date platonically for another six months. After six months, you will ask him again. This time, however, you will only give him options A and B. Give your Thinking male clear options and you’ll finally get to the bottom of things. You’ll know the answer to the mot important question of all: Should I stay or should I go?

Q: Why is it that some men don’t want to commit? I have two friends who are both in relationships with men they’ve been seeing for at least two years. Neither man wants to discuss marriage, even though they say they love these women.



A: Let's run down the possibilities. There are three main reasons why a man doesn't want to commit to a woman: 1) He's just not that into you; 2) He's been so burned in the past by bad relationships that he doesn't want to settle down again; and 3) He doesn't want to give up his bachelorhood, i.e. the freedom to do the nasty with other ladies and spend “quality time” with their single buddies.
1) He's not really that into you. He's not that excited, pleased, and awed by you as his future soul mate. This is a deal-breaker. Maybe, he likes you around for the sex, and the fun, but you may not be the woman he really wants to settle down with. Perhaps, he has a certain type of woman—with a certain type of physical look—he really wants to marry. Really, the reasons don't matter. The important thing is for you to do a reality check, and determine if he really seems to be crazy about you as his lifelong partner, or if he's just stringing you along. Be aware of these warning signs that he's not that into you: Does he avoid talking about certain topics, seem disinterested in you at times, look at other women a lot, and is rarely available to see you at the times you really want him? If you answered “yes” to one or more of these, then it's likely that he doesn't really see you as “The One.” If that's the case, there's little you can do, but go your own way. Say bye-bye.
2) He's been burned by past relationships. This is easier to deal with. Open and honest communication here is a must. Start by talking about some of your own love disappointments, but assure him that you have an open and willing heart to love a man—him—as your life partner. Explain that when two people are compatible, love each other, and have a strong faith base for their relationship, they will succeed in marriage where others have failed.
3) He’s worried about losing his freedom to have sex with as many women as he wants. Try a little reverse psychology on him. Tell him this: “If you want to have sex with a lot of women, then choose one woman. If you want to have sex with only one woman, then go ahead and play the field with many women.” What this means, you explain to him, is that, by making love to one woman (you) over and over again, he will see the depths of your personality, the different shades of you, over a long period of time. He will see many women in you, as you play different roles—sexually, emotionally, and psychologically. On the other hand, if he goes out with many women, he will likely pick the same type of woman, and only know her superficially, sexually, for a short period of time Thus, it's like he's only having sex with the same (type of) woman, over and over again, without experiencing the depth of mutual sexual passion he could enjoy with you. You’ve got him now; close out the conversation with this unbeatable statement: “Honey, don't worry; when we're married, you can still have your boy's night out; your friends are my friends. As long as we love and respect each other, I know I can trust you to do the right thing.”
Now that you've made your best case, the rest is up to him. If he really loves and wants you, he will marry you, in a heartbeat. Not because he feels pressured, but because he truly wants to spend the rest of his life with such a caring, trusting, sexually passionate and intelligent woman.

Q: About one year into our relationship, my boyfriend of two years told me he’d been sexually molested by a female babysitter at the age of 11. He also told me that he was aware of incestuous encounters between his father and his stepsister and cousins, with whom he has discussed these childhood incidents. The weird thing is that my boyfriend does not seem to think any of this is any big deal. I don’t know what horrified me the most—the incidents he described or his current attitude toward them. We’ve talked about getting married down the road, but now I don’t know how his attitude on incest would impact on our future together. I really don’t think I’d be comfortable having children with him, for one, and, two, incest is a horrible, horrible crime to me. In my opinion, his attitude toward it is very accepting—and that bothers me big time.

A: Slow down. You may be missing something important here. Your boyfriend could be in denial. He’s not fully accepting the painful consequences of what happened to him as a child. He’s ignoring the true true emotional impact of the incest and molestation. In the short term, this protects him from having to face the traumas of his past. In the long term, however, it blunts his emotional growth and prevents him from moving on with his life. Suggest that he get into some good, long-term therapy. Hypnotherapy (using hypnosis to access childhood memories) can be an excellent way for him to get in touch with his pain so he can achieve catharsis—a sudden release of pent-up feelings—that will help in the healing process.